How can I broach the subject.....

[rara67]

....that DMIL (80) needs to use some type of sanitary protection? I have been doing DMILs washing for a couple of months (not easy as she lives a 90 minute drive away but she's not changing clothes everyday). I have noticed an orange discharge in her pants and on her sheets. She is very dehydrated and wont drink enough to rectify this. I am going to get her a cleaner who could also do her washing and change her bed as with 2 DSs at primary school I cant get down to see her every week. I am also going to get another mattress protector as that will need to be washed weekly. Has anyone else had this experience? We get on well but we are not close. She is still putting on powder and lipstick but I am not 100% sure that she is washing every day or changing her underwear. She cant get in and out of the bath. I have spoken to her GP and the lovely practice manager but I really need some practical advise. Thanks so much.

Hi rara ihavenoexperiencof this buti just wanted to say you must be an. Amazing DIL to be taking this on. Hope your DH realises and is appreciative .

Hi rara you are doing a wonderful job. It might be worth your m in l having a check up to see if she has an infection causing the discharge. It must be difficult for her if she can't use the bath. would she take kindly to using one of those portable type bidet things you put over the loo. Also would she have someone come in to help her bath. My f in l had a carer come in just for this. You could say that you were worried that she might have an infection as you had had the same thing. White lies are wonderful things!!!
Sanitary protection could make her sore if she didn't change the pad.

Thank you both for your support. DMIL is a very proud person and I couldn't imagine that she would let anyone help her with personal care which is such a shame as she used to have a bath every morning up until a couple of years ago. Long story but I had arranged some respite care for her, where we live and I thought that having a bath would be something that might happen there with some gentle encouragement from the staff. There's still a chance that she will go there for a "holiday" at some point and maybe just maybe she'd have a bath and enjoy it so much that she'd want to do it again. Given her age etc and the fact that she's had so many tests, it's probably age-incontinence, nothing more sinister. She's never used a shower or washed and dried her own hair (weekly visit to hairdressers and hot brush inbetween) we need to accept that some things will never change.

Yes the attachment to ways of managing personal hygiene and grooming, which may seem dysfunctional to others is a big challenge. My dad sadly has that dishevelled, less than scrupulously clean look. It would be a parent time job managing him so He didn' t look like that- one a long suffering spouse might take on for example, but he is a widower. Instead I go to his house about once a week, encourage him to take off that food encrusted jacket, run him a bath and coax him in. When he comes to ours my husband encourages him to shave and so on. But all the habits the demented develop -- sleeping in one s clothes, hanging on to items even after massive weight loss means they are literally falling off, no longer loking in the mirror, militate against them having the same standards as everyone else. We can only try our best too support them along this awful road. And it s true to a certain extent we have to accept their new way of doing things.

Sorry abut typos this iPad is about to expire!