Old people resistant to change

[CocktailQueen]

Is being totally resistant to change a dementia thing or common to old all people? Mil's curtains are knackered and hanging down so she can't use them. We bought new ones and went to see her today and fitted them. She didn't want them done, said there was no need... Despite being unable to sit In a lounge without functioning curtains.

She also got really cross when dh suggested getting rid of a couch that is in the way if the window so it makes closing the curtains tricky. She said she wouldn't recognise her house without it. Jeez. One couch ... That nobody ever sits on and that is a trip hazard. Gah.

So tiring having to argue for every little thing, which is just being done to make her life nicer and better?

Anyone else?

It's a general thing in my experience. I work with older people and can provide them with free things to help and make things easier but you'd think I was trying to fleece them the work I have to do persuading them

My grandmother has dementia and it does make it more difficult but also you have to consider how unsettling it would be to not recognise things in your own home.

We call it the 'it'll see me out' syndrome in our family!

I faced similar for several years. In retrospect I think it was my mother desperately clinging to routine and familiarity as a way of clinging to her independence. I assume the thought of 'a home' and the decline that implied, terrified her.

By effectively pushing me away and not allowing me to probe I was not really aware of how bad things had got. She had a fall this time last year and could not go home, allowing me to move her to sheltered housing. I had previously tried to get her to allow me to help with her tax returns but she had refused. This was probably the least of her problems as I discovered very little fresh food, a broken boiler, and a host of other problems. She later confessed she had got stuck in the bath one day and had thought she might die there.

Maintaining independence with a failing memory will be very stressful. If there are housing alternatives which allow discrete support whilst allowing her her own front door, and which would be viable into the future she might be willing to consider. My mother might not have agreed to a change if it were not forced on her, but is now happier than she has been for a long time. And scoring better on memory tests now she is in a good routine with little stress.

Well regardless of age I don't think anyone would be happy with somebody coming in to their home with new curtains and suggesting getting rid of the couch (regardless of how old/damaged/awkward it was). It's criticism isn't it?

Telling somebody their things aren't good enough can be hurtful to them coupled with a need to retain some control over their own life will definitely make it difficult for you to persuade them otherwise.

Let's just turn the tables here:

"jeez - my MIL came round today with some new curtains and said ours were old and hanging down and she just changed them over, even though I said I didn't want her to, how dare she! it's our life and our house. Then she had the gall to tell us to get rid of our sofa because it's in the way of the curtains! FGS who does she think she is! We are adults and we may not live our lives how she thinks it should be but it's our choice, I never pull the bloody curtains anyway"

Your MIL has the right to live her life the way she wants to and from what I can see should be treated with a bit more respect.

Unless you were rather more tactful when at your MIL's house than you are coming across as on here, I'm not surprised that she was upset with you.

This is unfair to OP.

It is really hard when you know things aren't right. Dementia is a significant disability yet in the early stages people can be good at hiding the impact.

8n my case, other than suggest helping with the tax return where I knew there were issues (my dad had previously asked me to take over the management of some of their property) I held back. Each time my mother did not answer 5he phone I had to consider whether she was lying on the floor dying. If she had not had a fall she would have been on her own with no heating as she would not have told be she did not know how to operate the boiler. It is really hard to gauge how things are if you live at a distance.

I spent three months clearing my mothers flat and at least another three sorting out her financial affairs, including an HMRC investigation into 5 years of tax returns. It was very sad. Lots of hoarding, some fraud, a daily avalanche of junk mail.

OP ma6 be right to me worried. Curtains could well be a visible symptom of a struggle to maintain independent living. Refusal to consider change could well be someone who is struggling to maintain orientation.

It is very difficult to get the right balance between respecting someone's independence and ensuring that a potentially vulnerable person is getting the right level of support.

I would suggest looking into how safe she is. Speak to the GP saying you are worried. Has she had a formal memory assessment. This would give a better understanding of her disability and enable you to tap into help and support from memory clinic professionals.

Also talk to the Alzheimers Assn. And if you feel she she is vulnerable talk to Social Services. It may feel like a blunt weapon but if your mil is unsafe she needs to be assessed and an appropriate support package worked out.

Do join us on the long thread. The right support can mean more independence for your mil. But getting there is not easy.

Sorry about typos. Pressed post instead of preview.

Hi there
Thanks for all replies (esp Need more sleep). I may have sounded harsh in my initial post - it's just frustration. of course I was more tactful at MIL's!! She has been sitting in her kitchen each evening because she can't use the lounge at night because the curtains don't work - people can see in. Should we have left her doing that??

She has been diagnosed -after a CAT scan and memory assessment - as having mild dementia. She does not wash herself or her clothes. She hasn't done housework for years. The house is disgusting. Everywhere we look, there is more and more to do. Dh already has power of attorney and looks after all MIL's financial affairs and pays all bills. And she argues over every little thing, while complaining that she's lonely/never sees anyone (even after we have visited, and there are loads of messages on her phone). Dh has spoken to her before about the curtains but she does not make decisions. It would have been pointless trying to persuade her. So I think that buying curtains for her and fitting them, so she can sit in her own lounge, is a relatively minor thing. Sorry to drip feed.

Oliver James book 'Contented Dementia' is a bit odd, but it did help me look at things from my mother's perspective, avoid arguments and not to worry about the odd fib, when needed for safety/welfare.

9n the curtains I might have suggested new curtains would be a good idea 5o see if she demurred. If she then objected when I was putting them up I would have stated clearly that she had agreed and left it at that. The sofa might have gone for 're covering'. The point being to avoid arguments and to help enable her main priority which is to stay in her own home.

Its hard, especially after a long journey. Your mil will have little empathy and be focused just on herself.

Others may be a bit shocked, but the advantage of someone not having much memory is that they do forget. She will be better off having access to her living room through the winter so just do it. As her dementia increases she will argue less.

I also blame others. So the carer comes in each day because the doctor would not prescribe Aricept without assurances that someone would prompt. So some moaning but an acceptance that this is beyond both our control.

I agree it is unlikely you will get her to move till there is a crisis. Worth though thinking of options if something were to happen. My experience of 5 weeks of respite in a CH is that my mother lost a lot of skills during that time which have taken aged to regain.

The hygiene issue is important. Clearing my mums flat was a nightmare and I did a lot of scrubbing. One reason why I think her memory scores have improved markedly this year.

For my mum, tiny changes are really confusing. She copes in her own home because everything is where it has been for donkeys years. But things that are newer to her house (maybe in the last 5-7 years) are now lost to her and are 'wrong'. Its sort of like if everytime you went into your sitting room, someone had moved the furniture around - confusing and upsetting right?

It does sound like your mum needs someone popping in everyday now to clean and keep an eye on her. My parents have a private carer who comes in, makes/changes the bed, puts things in the dishwasher, puts the washing machine on/puts stuff out to dry, throws out food, chivvies mum into the shower etc, and also keeps a general eye on them. She has my phone number so can contact me if theres any issues. The carer also organised a cleaner who comes in once a week to clean properly, and the house is soooo much better for this! As its always the same ladies, mum is getting used to them appearing in the house.

I agree with NeedMoreSleep that fibbing (in the persons best interest) is a very useful tool. It smooths their life, and helps to accept what they need most. So the blister packed pills weren't me and dad making her, it was 'what the Dr had ordered'. She thinks she needs her knee replacing (its referred pain from her back), but 'we're waiting to see what the hospital say' rather than arguing everyday about something she doesn't understand

All the information you have given in your 2nd post, paints the situation in a very different light. From your OP, I was agreeing with Sparkle, Purple, and Unexpected. The information you have now added, puts things quite differently.
It's hard to acknowledge to yourself that you now need to be "looked after" by your children, rather than being the carer for them.
Would she be able to help choose ?...."We want you to be able to enjoy sitting in the lounge in the evenings, so are going to replace your curtains, now, I've got these samples and thought you might like to choose from one of these...." still gives her some choice, as would "Having the sofa there makes it quite difficult to get to the window, lets have a think about how we could perhaps rearrange things to make a clearer pathway.... could we move these around like this / put it in the back room or maybe garage or something so you've still got it when you need it but it's not in the way when you don't / shall we look at maybe getting a couple of really nice new chairs to replace this suite / etc" again, giving her some choice in what's happening in her life.

Thanks all. My first message was a light-hearted, throwaway one and didn't reflect the whole situation. Sorry. Obviously I wouldn't normally dream of turning up to someone's house with new curtains and installing them!!

We do do as BackforGood suggests, as much as possible. It is very hard, as MIL will just say that everything is fine and wants to keep everything as it is. I can understand this, and have ordered the Contented Dementia book, but what's hard for us - especially dh - is that we DO know better than MIL now on many things for her safety - such as cleaning, washing herself etc., and we have to try to make decisions for her, in a way that she will accept (we do say that the doctor says this and that must happen, for example).

Sounds like all he good advice has been made.but in my experience too,change is often resisted the demented especially when it comes t the layout of their homes.i think their grasp on routine and reality is tenuous enough and f someone changes t, even by replacing a broken object, this is likely tone seen as a threat.
Fibbing, making changes more palatable by saying " the doctor ordered it" ,not getting into a battle of wills over stuff that doesn t really matter are all techniques I have used with my dad. Another one is not mentioning something which is likely to be perceived as a change/ threat until shortly before it happens.
Sorry about all the typos this iPad is on its last legs.