Mil and not answering the phone

[CocktailQueen]

Mil has mild dementia and lives 1.5 hrs away. She does not answer the phone when we - anyone - calls. The phone is working and we gave installed a cover over the socket so she can't unplug it. She says she does not hear the phone but she does. Problem is, if we ring for days and can't get her, she may have fallen or had an Accident and We can't drive down every time we think this has happened!

Mil has no friends or neighbours nearby. What can we do?

Is a pendant thingie our only option? We have talked to her loads about thus and how important it us that we can talk to her and check she's ok, but it's in one ear and out the other...

She might have dementia but as a person it's her decision whether or not to talk to someone. Although obviously it's not fair on you worrying. Have you asked her why she doesn't answer, I'd be wanting to get to the bottom of that.

I think a pendant would be a good idea. It gives her her independencey and if she does fall, she'll be able to contact someone for help. Will she wear it though?

www.justchecking.co.uk/

We have asked her why she doesn't answer and she can't tell yes. Says she wants to speak to people. Tbh she has never been good at speaking to people on the phone on off, so don't suppose this will get better with dementia. But then she complains that she's lonely and people don't ring ... When they do and she just doesn't answer!

No idea about if she would wear a pendant. I suspect she may not remember, of remember how to use it in an emergency.

Sigh.

you could also see if the local council could arrange for a volunteer visitor

Thanks - just checking looks good. Will speak to dh.

Nah - she has money so council not interested. X

Is there any chance she can move closer to you? It doesn't sound as if she has many reasons to stay where she is. I think looking after someone so far away is not easy and she is only going to become more infirm. Better to move sooner rather than later.

She does not want to. She wants her independence. She gas always lived where she is and I think moving her now will not work. She was be crisps, upset, defensiveness and confused.

Gas - has
Crisps - cross
Defensive!!

Gah

Might be a daft question but have you tried ringing her house phone when one of you is there to check it does actually ring?

Yes, viper, done that :)

volunteers will get involved regardless of how much money someone has. Its mainly potential social work students and older people with a bit of spare time that do it.

even if there are just one or two 'just checking' monitors fitted i.e bedroom and front door, just to check she is moving around the house on a daily basis it could give you peace of mind if she is agreeable to it going in.

Any chance of getting her to consider sheltered housing options where she lives? Having a 24 hour warden will help her maintain her independence for longer.

On loneliness etc it is worth requesting a SS assessment if she is vulnerable because of dementia. Such an assessment will help ensure that should she be in hospital for medical reasons any discharge arrangements are informed by her dementia and the fact she is alone. SS can also be helpful in helping you identify suitable care even if you are paying. They will also know about volunteers.

Have you considered activities offered by the University of the Third Age and perhaps a taxi account to get her there. If she has money she could have a carer come in each day perhaps to prompt for pills or to help her prepare a meal.

Needmoresleep - she has never been very sociable and I guess that won't change now. DH has tried to persuade her to visit a local day centre for older people - has offered to take her there etc. She refuses. She will NOT use a taxi - doesn't want to spend money, not confident enough to ring and order one.

She will NOT consider sheltered housing. Problem is, she has a routine where she lives - she walks up the road each day, says hi to neighbours, talks to shop assistants, etc. That's about the extent of her social interactions. If a neighbour calls round to ask her for coffee, she won't go. She has made one phone call in the last 3 months.

If she has to go into a home it would make more sense for her to go into one where we live - as we are 1.5 hours away from her. But then she will be in totally unfamiliar surroundings and I fear her dementia will get worse. She wants to retain her independence at all costs but all we want is for her to be safe and have a better, nicer standard of living and be more comfortable. She has plenty of money but doesn't want to spend a penny.

I have emailed her local Age Concern re befriending, and am waiting for them to get back to us.

We have tried 2 care companies but she hasn't been happy with either. DH is meeting a third company this week for them to assess the house and - I hope - get a care package in place.

Westmorland - thanks - will contact council and see if they offer this.

Sorry this is so long...

Westmorland thank you so much for that JustChecking link. Just the right balance of privacy vs monitoring. I've been looking for the right option for my own elderly parent.

All very best of luck, CocktailQueen.