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Elderly parents

Can I have some advice, please, re elderly aunt with dementia and PILs?

4 replies

lissieloo · 19/07/2013 10:37

Reposting here:

DHs aunt (MILs sister) has dementia. Over the last few years she has gone from a cantankerous, feisty, astute woman to a scared, confused child. She married late, was widowed soon after and never had any children.

She lives on the same estate as PILs, and they look after her. They cook for her, organise her money, do her laundry, MIL helps her shower and changes her incontinence pads. PILs are also elderly, MIL is in her 70's now and FIL is 70 this year. DA is in her 80's.

They can't do it anymore. She has been wandering the streets, people have been coming into her house to "help" and been stealing money from her purse... Last week she was found collapsed in the kitchen, noone knew how long she'd been there, she was conscious but barely. They took her into a respite (I think) home where she has been all week.

They wanted to send her home again today, but MIL managed to persuade them to keep her till monday, when they will do another care assessment.

MIL is in bits, she can't cope physically and mentally its taking its toll too, FIL does loads, but his health isn't great either and he's stressed out. They just can't cope. We do as much as we can, but live on the other side of the county.

She has some savings, but not loads, What help can they get? She needs residential care.

Any advice gratefully received

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 19/07/2013 11:44

You probably need to gear up the system. First steps, if these have not been done already:

  1. Appointment with GP, for referral to memory clinic for assessment. Involves a 90 minute test and probably a brain scan. Someone should go with her on all these appointments.

2. Look at scope for Power of Attorney, both Care and Financial. Very least get her to allow second signatory on her bank account.
3. Social Services assessment.
4. Using the two assessments above as evidence, apply for Attendance Allowance. If she stays at home the AA should allow exemption from Council Tax. Also carers allowance for one of your in-laws.

In this process you get to meet a number of professionals who will know about options and who will, through their assessments, understand what might work best.

My understanding is that the rules on "who pays for care" is changing.

Good luck. Dementia is no fun.
lissieloo · 19/07/2013 11:56

Thank you for replying, She has had GP's appointments and tests, her last assessment was fairly hit and miss. My in-laws can't seem to get anyone to listen to them. I am going with MIL on monday to help her at the assessment, and hopefully they will get somewhere.

We are at the point where she needs residential care, and because her savings are below £14,000 she can't afford it herself. FIL organises her money, but she still gets cunts "helpers" coming in to oil a cupboard door, then help themselves to a tenner from her purse.

I've just spoken to the British Legion (she's ex-forces) and got some advice, ditto Age Uk, but I don't know where to go from here. What can I do at the meeting?

OP posts:
Needmoresleep · 19/07/2013 12:11

What is the meeting?

Is it a formal memory assessment? It sounds like she may already have had a formal care assessment. However if things have deteriorated, ideally with GP/memory test confirming this, and there is a danger of "carer breakdown", I would have thought there is a case for her to be reassessed.

My understanding is that if her savings are below a certain level then care is at least part paid for by SS. Another good place for advice is the Alzheimer's Assn. They have a good helpline and an active forum.

lissieloo · 19/07/2013 12:20

It's a sort of review. PILs have been doing huge amounts up to now, but they can't do anymore and her fall has highlighted just how much care she now needs. She has been knocking doors to ask if she lived there, walking across a (busy) main road and into the town park, going to bed at 4pm, getting up at 6 and thinking its a different day...

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