How can i persuade DH elderly FIL really needs to go into care

[LadyMelsie]

Funding isn't an issue here.

Pride is.

However the pride vs personal care not being met situation and the fils living conditions are beyond dire. My DH says that his dad is adamant that he doesnt need any help. Fil is very very elderly and in poor health.

At what point can you no longer turn a blind eye to a situation like this.

it is very difficult, isn't it?

My FIL is 93 and we have tried several times to get him to move, even just so he is closer to us (he lives 40 mins away by car - we would prefer if he was 5 mins away on foot)

He is actually still quite healthy, so we haven't reached the stage you are at yet.

He won't have people in to clean - we tried and it was a disaster He wouldn't let them do their work

He does have meals-on-wheels type arrangement, once a day during the week, and DH goes over on weekends

Sorry, not much advice - you ask what point can you no longer turn a blind eye? well, you can't do anything unless your FIL agrees.

Our argument is that it will be too late if he falls and is then bedridden, but he just tells us not to be silly, he's fine...

LadyM could you make an appointment with your FIL s GP in his name, then just turn up and explain the home situation. Then you would be getting an outsider s perspective. Even better if your DH goes with you. If not, you can report later. If a medical professional feels this is not an acceptable set up for a frail elderly person, maybe DH is more likely to listen. The GP may also want to do a home visit, and that could set the ball rolling for nurse visits, maybe home help. Finally, you can refer your FIL to social services yourself if you are concerned enough. Ultimately if FIL refuses everything you may have to back off, unless he is deemed not to have capacity to make decisions for himself.

Live in care? Pricy but might work.

If the money is there, are there any half way options. The very sheltered accommodation I found for my mum offers your own front door, a "restaurant" which gives the chance of a daily good cooked meal, weekly housekeeping, and the chance of buying in more care. There is also a reception so things like tablets can be delivered there by the chemist, and they can help sort out food orders and deliveries from Tescos, etc.

Being there has improved both my mothers physical and mental health. She had got herself into quite a state, along the lines you describe. The routines and social interaction have also helped. I am delighted because however nice a home is, most residents are close to the end of their lives. I can see why neither Father nor son want to "give up".

One day my mother's dementia will progress to the extent that a home is inevitable. But for now being in her own flat with the ability to go out when she wants, and enough care to ensure that she can use and retain her current capacity, is fantastic.

But you are right something probably needs to be done.