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Elderly parents

How can I make an 86 year old man understand that he needs to pay for help and that people will not help him for free from the goodness of their hearts?

6 replies

QuintEggSensuality · 02/04/2013 14:12

My dh has spent 10 hours clearing snow this weekend. Lots of it. (more than one roof) Backbreaking work. My father has always expected his 70 something year old mate to do this because it is a "privilege" to help.

After a long discussion this morning I made my dad understand that his mate is too old for this type of work/help. He says his mate is strong as an ox, but I say that he cannot expect a man in his 70s spend 10 hours clearing snow from a slippery roof (some pics on my profile of the amount of snow) Having accepted that his best mate might be too old, he asked "so who else can he call upon that could hep ?

He does not accept that he will have to pay for this job to be done. People should want to help, and it saddens him that nobody would come and spend 10 hours of hard physical work for no compensation. Confused

The thing is, there is nobody. One after the other his younger friends from his working days have pulled away (wonder why Hmm )

I told him I remember years ago he used to pay a company to do this job, but he reeled in horror saying he did not want to pay their fees. £90 per hour. My dad has the money to pay, that is not the problem, he just does not WANT to pay.

I suggested some of my husbands mates, but told him he would have to pay, but he was not interested.

OP posts:
SimoneDeBeaver · 02/04/2013 14:25

Wow, £90/hr! You're somewhere Scandiwegian, IIRC.

He needs to get it done to protect the roof, presumably? or stop it tipping off onto someone.

How much would you have to pay for someone but not that company?

QuintEggSensuality · 02/04/2013 14:45

Yes, we are in Norway. I am sure he could pay less if he offered somebody else, but he does not want to pay at all! He said he had offered somebody £50 for the whole job, but this isnt much here. Maybe what you give your child for their birthday.

I am sure dhs mates would do it for £100 each i three of them went together and spent a couple of hours. But he is not keen.

OP posts:
MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour · 02/04/2013 14:50

I don't think you can make him realise it, I think it's something he'll have to figure out himself when the jobs start piling up and there's no one there to do them

My grandmother is exactly the same, she lives in a village and the people there all band together and help each other, but they are staring to pull away now because my grandmother expects so much. We make sympathetic noises and wait for her to realise she needs to pay for help, which she eventually does

JustinBsMum · 03/04/2013 21:11

People are old for so long now!!

You start doing bits and pieces for someone when they are a bit out of sorts and say in their 70s - 20 years later they are still needing help!!
and you are 20 years older so feel a bit Hmm

absolutmum · 05/04/2013 18:29

This is so difficult! My mother is exactly the same, refuses to catch a cab into to town as I should be there to take her. It's my role apparently.

I think you need to be brutal, the snow won't be moved unless he pays, the consequences will be more expensive, I imagine.

lurkerspeaks · 06/04/2013 10:38

Couldn't agree more. My Gran is the same. She needs groceries, food shopping and help with laundry. She isn't terribly helpful at aiding me to do the groceries (eg. when I phone up to ask what she needs she invariably says nothing so I have to drive there to check the fridge before going back to the supermarket, let alone do an online shop).

She has a friend who she used to presume upon but who has now indicated v. clearly to family (probably because my aunt thought she was the logical person to do shopping/ cooking/ cleaning for no money Angry) that she won't do this stuff. My Gran now phones her to 'help' with ridiculous things - a recent example is that she rang her to come over to help her do laundry when I was scheduled to arrive an hour later. Gran can't see that things like this put people off helping.

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