My feed

to access all these features

Elderly parents

Considering moving in with my grandmother, thoughts and opinions most welcome.

10 replies

wonderstuff · 24/02/2013 12:46

I have no idea if this is a good idea or not. My dgm and great uncle are no longer coping well. They live together and their house is unsuitable and a 90 min drive from family. My father is proposing selling it and using money to pay for a care home close to him and me and my brother. This will cost about the same as their house value, they will see family a couple of times a week and have each other. My dgm doesn't socialise well, I am concerned that she will fall out with staff and other residents pretty quickly. So I was thinking that we could use the money from the house plus a mortgage we would take out to buy a large house for all 6 of us.. DH and I have a dcs aged 2 and 5. I would still have to work, we would need to bring carers in during the day, they are both frail and have memory problems but with it iykwim.

So the benefits would be that they would be with family, have a little more independence, and we would be able to take out a mortgage and inherit some money and get to spend some quality time with dgm (who my eldest adores) and my uncle. We would eventually sell the house and downsize. But it seems a very complex arrangement, I have no idea about legalities or what would happen if there health deteriorated further ( they currently have carers 3 times daily) . I am not terribly close to my uncle, he is very quiet and lived abroad when I was young. If they would prefer the home that's fine, but want to work out if we can do it before proposing it.

OP posts:
NatashaBee · 24/02/2013 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NatashaBee · 24/02/2013 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 24/02/2013 13:08

I wouldn't do this ( except for my mum) but would it not be better to sell the house and then buy another closer to you so you can go in and help whilst they retain their independence ? Living with elderly relatives will be hard work if they require care already and if you have 2 young children do you really want carers coming in and out of your home ? How many bathrooms would you need , its not just having 2 extra bedrooms. What happens if you want a weekend away ? What do the current carers actually do for them ?

HoleyGhost · 24/02/2013 13:13

Would you be comfortable providing your great uncle with personal care as needed? e.g. if he was sick at night?

Confused elderly people are not always safe - they may become aggressive, or may simply turn the gas on and forget or get lost in the new area.

It may also cause problems in your family if you are seen to be taking anyone's inheritance. Your hard work is unlikely to be appreciated.

wonderstuff · 24/02/2013 13:37

I hadn't thought of safety. We were thinking about sheltered housing, but dgm fell twice last week, and I don't think sheltered housing would be enough. We are looking at properties with more than one bathroom. I was thinking carers would be there when I wasn't largely, when I was at work, if we went away db or df could step in. If it wuss just dgm it would be simpler, but it isn't.

OP posts:
fridayfreedom · 24/02/2013 13:43

I really think you need a sollicitors advice re finances as as mentioned before you need to be very careful re their monies as they are already needing help and therefore you could be seen as avoiding care costs .

Floralnomad · 24/02/2013 14:27

I think the bottom line is would you be prepared to clean them up if they become incontinent ? If the answer to that is no then I think its a non starter.

wonderstuff · 24/02/2013 19:25

I think that really it's just to much with two of them. They want to stay together, and while my dgm could be independent enough and if it was just her it might work, but a residential home for the two of them seems the only solution. She complains constantly about him but wouldn't be without him, and really he only has her. At least they will be close by, we can visit, dgm is very depressed. It will be very hard when one of them dies. I'm also a little gutted that the house that's been in the family for so very long is going in nursing home fees, which is completely unreasonable I know.

OP posts:
cindersinsuburbia · 25/02/2013 17:58

I think your a brave women even considering it! (and i say this while caring for my grandparents!)

If they have carers at the moment, they can still have them (but if SS pays then you might find they say that you can do alot of their personal care since you are there)

If they pay for carers you can have as much as you want, although this is very expensive.

Have you thought about mobility issues, walk in showers, stair lifts, level access areas in your home/new home?

Also you might find that its alot of stress on them both, to go from a quiet house to a busy family life - and if things dont turn out where do they go?

Also things can change fast, my GF was a healthy 81 yr old, shopping, cooking etc - two years later shes on full time oxygen and barely leaves the house

Like i said i care for my DGP's over 35+ hours a week and thats not even personal care, i love them to pieces but theres no way i could live with them 24/7

I understand what you mean about the house - but its their home and the money would be best used to find something suitable for them.

My GPS live in a retirement block of flats, with carers and nurses going in and out, they have the opportunity to socalise if they want or keep themselves to themselves. Its full accessible for wheelchairs and gives them the freedom without the need of a care home - These flats come in 2 bedrooms - it might be a option?

purplewithred · 25/02/2013 18:24

I don't see any mentions anywhere in your post about what your DGM and uncle think about all this. It's their house and their money. Do they want to be closer to you? Do they want to sell up and go into a care home?

If they already need carers three times a day then if they do sell up and move their new home will have to be designed around their needs; and it's not a case of 'if' their health deteriorates further but 'when'. So a sheltered adapted home with an opt-in social life is most likely what they are going to be looking for. I am sure your suggestion is meant kindly but can you really give them what they want and need? especially with such a young family?

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.