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Elderly parents

Help - how to deal with this?

9 replies

PiedWagtail · 19/02/2013 10:05

Dh's mum lives with her. 60 year old son g. G is seriously ill in hospital and nobody knows what's wrong, but could poss be vv serious. Dh going in to hosp today to speak to doctor. Mil is not coping at all - v confused, can't remember things. As you would expect. We are 2 hours away from hops and dh going into take her every 2nd day then having tea with her after. I have no idea how she will cope if the worst happens. We were just starting to ge her assessed fro poss Alzheimer's disease - memory loss and confusion. She has non existent personal hygiene and isn't looking afte the house either. What will we do if bil dies??? How will she cope/ recover? I have no idea what to do. Don't flame me but I do not want her to live with us. Any advice would be great.

OP posts:
PiedWagtail · 19/02/2013 10:05

Sorry for typos. On iPad.

OP posts:
amothersplaceisinthewrong · 19/02/2013 22:33

First call should be your GP who can give you info on contacting Social Services to assess her and her needs. It is a case of he or she who shouts loudest gets heard though. Social Services can arrange.suggest a care package if necessary (although depending on your MILS assets she may have to pay for this).

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 19/02/2013 22:33

Sorry I meant your MILS GP, not yours!

PiedWagtail · 20/02/2013 14:20

Thanks - GP has visited MIl today and we have said we'd like an urgent referral to SS, and he agrees. Thank you. Will wait to see what happens next.

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WynkenBlynkenandNod · 21/02/2013 08:54

Good luck, hope it goes well. I'm absolutely not going to flame you for not wanting her to live with you (I came to same conclusion about my Mum after posting on here and hearing opinions, everyone said don't do I).

Just wanted to warn you to be very clear in your mind what role you will be prepared to take when the Social Worker comes eg you can help with her finances, moral support but nothing practical. Has she been referred to the Memory Clinic yet ? Also you'll need to apply for Attendance Allowance if she doesn't have it. Get some help filling this in (Alzheimer's Association referred me to a charity) as they are turning loads down at the moment.Age Concern can help too I think . You'll also need to get a Power of Attorney done if not already, as long as she has capacity to do so. You can do this yourself,I did most of it but same charity helping with AA is helping with this for much less than a solicitor.

Social Services will be more concerned with personal care rather than the house. Make sure they know about the continence issues .In our area you need to be deemed to have Substantial or critical need for a care package. My Mum has one due to her legs rather than because of her memory but I think once she's gone to see consultant at Memory Clinic for Brain scan results they will take over. Initial SS team was the Reablement team, now she's under The Long Term team and then ultimately will be the Mental Health Team.

Social Services will probably want to do a financial assessment at some point so try to get to the bottom of her finances if possible and find out where up to date statements are. Mum has a cleaner (cleaner number 4 so took a bit of tryng o get right one !) who makes sure place as up together as possible. There are a fair few people who deliver food, either ho or to be heated in a microwave. In our area there's someone called the Memory Advisory Service who can help with Memory Aides and safety.

Medication can be deliverd by the local pharmacy in blister packs once set up by the GP. I think there are usually Continence Advisory Services that can be accessed via the GP.

I know this must be incredibly hard to deal with especially with the worry of your BIL. It will be especially hard for your DH. This is where you come in I'm afraid, to help stand firm and make sure your MIL gets the care she needs without that meaning you and your DH physically doing it. It's very difficult to actually say 'I'm not going to care for her' whn faced with it. Follow up SS visits with emails. Sorry that's lots of info, apologies for bombarding you.

PiedWagtail · 23/02/2013 12:58

UPDATE - thanks for all the info, Wynkjen, that was really helpful.

Fouhnd out yesterday that BIL has terminal cancer and only a few days to live. everyone in shock. DH is a financial advisor and has power of attorney for his mum. He will be going down today to tell her MIL in person, and to see BIL to make his will for him.

I think MIL will take this very hard - BIL lives with her - and I have no idea how she will cope. Have spoken to social services to organise some care for her, but don't know how quickly they work.

In the short term I can see her coming to stay with us. But I am not looking forward to it. Isn't that awful? Oh god. But I'm not sure if she will cope at home by herself.

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WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/02/2013 13:58

I am so so sorry Sad

No it is absolutely not awful, in fact it is very sensible. Once she's with you it will be harder to get help so I think you go in hard now. What did SS say ? Do they know about BIL's diagnosis or was that before you spoke to them? I think you nee to speak to them and say you are very concerned about her safety and think she needs a temporary residential place immediately whilst she is properly assessed.

I hope this is the right info to give you but I'm a bit worried it isn't as I'm pretty new to all this . There's not much traffic in this section, how do you feel about starting a new post in Chat to get more people along ? You're ding brilliantly in very difficult circumstances and must be in shock . Please take very good care of yourselves.

PiedWagtail · 23/02/2013 15:16

Thanks, Wynken. Dh's sister died a couple of years ago, and his dad is dead, so MIL will be very upset. And BIL was always ehr favourite Hmm.

Thanks for the advice. We know her financial situation, and she has plenty of chas, so that's good. Her GP is aware (in fact, he visited her today) but feels she is fine where she is. I have emailed my contact at social services with the update.

I will start a post in Chat thanks.

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WynkenBlynkenandNod · 23/02/2013 18:02

What a nightmare situation, so sorry for you, DH & MIL Sad Glad you've started a thread in chat.

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