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How to get help for my mum - crap dad - advice from HCPs and others welcomed - sorry if this is a bit long

21 replies

NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 18:45

My parents are both 67

My mum has parkinsons. She has always been a strong and amazing woman, married to a bit of a toddler in an adult body (sorry Mum).

They also have my eldest son living with them, but he is, to be honest, a lot bit crap.

Dad has always been a bit of a drinker, but he now drinks every night, and passes out. The other night she hurt her back and he was comatose, and she had to crawl to bed without help. He used to be really active, swimming, doing the allotment, doing all the car fixing (or atleast organising it), but now it seems he is a couch potato (made her take the car to be fixed and walk back last week). He does not help, he has no empathy for her wobbly periods, yells at the least little thing, is totally self centered, and to be honest, I wonder if he is in the early stages of dementia.

Mum is worried that if something happpens to her, if she falls, there will be no-one there to help. She goes to the allotment to feed the chickens, and he won't notice that she is gone for hours.

We are doing anything we can to practically help - moving the chickens to the back garden next weekend - but we are 2.5 hours away.

But what do we do about my dad - he is getting more financially irresponsible, but how do we get him assessed when he will not do it voluntarily? I am going to speak to her parkinsons nurse tomorrow.

Any advice gratefully received...

I will be sending her a link to this, as I asked her permission before starting this thread.

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 18:52

I am going to repeatedly and shamelessly bump this until you (the person who has a magic wand, or anyone else) answer me Wink

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 19:17

Ker.... Bump

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 19:22


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FancyPuffin · 09/09/2012 19:31

What a horrible situation for you Sad

I would think the first thing is to get your Dad properly assessed by the GP, if he does have dementia then there can medications and things that he can take. He also needs to address his drinking with the GP.

It's worrying that your Mum isn't getting the support she needs, as I'm sure you know with Parkinson's her needs will become greater. You could ask for adult social services to give her an assessment to see if she is entitled to have home carers. She should also get a lifeline from Age Concern so that if she falls again she can push the button and have assistance.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 19:33

Thank you puffin - but how do we get him assessed if he does not, and will not under any circumstances, admit that he needs to be assessed?

Will suggest the lifeline to DM

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FancyPuffin · 09/09/2012 19:33

Sorry I can see that you have said that your Dad is reluctant to see a GP,would it be worth arranging a home visit from GP when you can be there, so that you can ensure that he is being honest.

FancyPuffin · 09/09/2012 19:35

Don't tell him that the GP is coming though. It is really vital that he has issues that you know as your Mum is vunarable. I'm not sure but again Adult Social Services may be able to help with this.

fridayfreedom · 09/09/2012 19:41

If he refuses to be assessed then it gets tricky unless he is a danger to himself or others in a violent sort of way.
Best to concentrate on trying to get help for mum but at the same time explain what is happening re her husband.
It is possible that the alcohol is the key here, it can cause dementia in it's own right. However if he refuses to stop drinking then again there is little that can be done for him until something happens to stop him getting his own drink.

fridayfreedom · 09/09/2012 19:43

Just read about the finances.. would be worth taking advice about this re Lasting Power of Attorney and making sure that he is not drinking all mum's money away. Is she getting attendance allowance??

Jakadaal · 09/09/2012 19:47

YY to Adult Social Services and Parkinsons nurses. I would try and speak to your dad's GP ... whilst they won't divulge confidential information it would be helpful to flag with the GP your concerns and then they can use the information however they feel best. I doubt you would get a GP to do a home visit but he might make a phone call. I would also flag it with your mum's GP again ask for it to be noted on her medical records re your concerns. Does your mum have an official carer? Her local carers centre can be a good source of support and information.

My dad has dementia but covered it up for a long long time and it took a lot of persuading to both him and my mum that there was a problem.

Hope you get some help for them both

NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 20:13

He brews his own wine and has done as long as I can remember (40 years) so he is not affacting her financilly with drinking. They are quite well off, comfortable IYSWIM.

She is going to prime the GP for the next time he goes.

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 20:15

He is just so volatile as well. Yelling at her in a way that makes me cringe/wince/want to shout back at him

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 20:19

Have sent link to my mum (wrinklygran I think she is on here)

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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 20:47


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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 20:51


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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 21:27


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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 21:32


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NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 22:04


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TheSteveMilliband · 09/09/2012 22:33

Sorry about your situation Norma. Don't really have much to add to what's been said but didn't want to ignore. Glad your mums going to talk to gp, he may be able to do a "routine health check" where he can screen for dementia/give alcohol advice. Probably best otherwise to focus on your mums needs from adult services- pendant alarm could be useful. They would also judge whether she is a "vulnerable adult" which could escalate things a bit. Sounds like she is very aware/clued up though. Second checking power of attorney, is very expensive and time consuming if left till point where person can't give informed consent. Once gp/adult services / parkinsons nurse aware they can keep an eye on situation, and get a referral when either your dad agrees or if the situation changes. Lots of people referred to memory clinic don't feel they have any problems, but most will agree to an assessment so may be worth asking for a memory clinic referral (preferably as a home visit as your dad is more likely to keep appt then) if you think your dad might accept it. Gp seeing your dad would allow him to make an assessment of the situation, your fathers capacity to understand the risks in the current situation, any memory /cognitive problems, willingness to accept further assessment if necessary.
Hope gp is helpful, and your mum And dad get the help they need

NormaStanleyFletcher · 09/09/2012 23:31

Thank you to alll of you that replied :)

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pippop1 · 12/09/2012 14:41

We got my MiL's GP to call her in to check if she had dementia by writing a letter to the GP stating our concerns.

My MiL told us she had been asked to see the Dr for a routine appointment which they give to all patients over a certain age and could we give her a lift. Dr just did a check up and called us in to talk with her in the room.

Perhaps the GP can do this for you if you write a letter.

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