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Elderly parents

Fallen out DF just before due to visit him.

2 replies

bel4gor · 23/08/2012 03:17


My father has always been the type to have his say about everything and his opinion is the only one that matters, its has been this way ever since I was little. He thinks everyone should enjoy the things he enjoys.

I am the youngest of 4 and in my mid 40's I am the only one who has put up with his attitude the whole of my life, the others have all fallen out with him at some stage of their lives.

Well now its my turn to try and disagree with him on a few points, he doesn't like it. I have let him talk to me like a child all my life and now have had enough. I used to be able to shrug him off and just let him go on and on about anything and everything, but not anymore..

I fell out with him big last week when he phoned for the 3rd time in 4 days. The 1st 2 phone calls lasted for well over an hour he was saying the same things over and over again. The 3rd time I just snapped. He asked what my daughters As results were so told him. They were pretty good considering she had been off I'll for a lot of the last 2 terms. One result was a D however as she isn't carrying on the subject it doesn't matter. He just kept telling me she should retake it. After 30 mins or I had had enough and just apologised and put the phone down.

I am due to fly out to see him in France where he lives on Tuesday and he had sorted a timetable of events for us to do while myself and 2 of my children are with him for 8 days. My sons school is closing unexpectedly, so I have had little notice to sort out a new school and complete new uniform. I phoned him after the meeting at my sons old school yesterday to tell him what had happened and asked him to phone back after 8 pm my time today so that I could go over things he planned and what the children wanted to do whilst with him and explained why.

He phoned at 7 whilst we were having hair cuts I asked him to phone back later and he told me off for being snappy and put the phone down. Then then phoned again 5 mins later to which I tried to explain that I was busy with haircuts, he just snapped at me and told me to ring him when I had time for him, which I did. Only to get verbal abuse about snapping at him and not listening to him. I told him I am now afraid of taking the children to see him as I know it won't be a nice relaxing holiday, he told me not to bother going to visit him. I ended up putting the phone down on him again as he just wouldn't listen. I only get 1 week a year off working for myself and I really don't want to put my children through anything else, their father and I split up after more than 27 years together in January.

He emailed me after the phone call in capitals telling me never to put the phone down on him again. I did it because I really didn't want to tell him to shut up for once in his life. Apologise or lose my holiday. Your loving dad who seems to have lost a daughter.

I really don't know what to do. I love my dad but he makes it very hard to love him and to show him any love. I have no idea how to reply to him or where to go from here.

Sorry its so long.
Thank you for listening xxx

OP posts:
racingheart · 23/08/2012 21:59

You could try saying that you are sorry he was upset and that you, like him, like everyone, sometimes get frustrated when you are doing too many things at once. You could ask him whether he wants you all there or not, and if he says not, challenge him: does he really want to fall out and deny his family a visit just because you had to be brisk with him when you were supervising haircuts?

He's the old one. He's the one who will be needing help soon and getting isolated. But give him a bit of leeway. IME, older people return to very childish emotions. My mum is hilarious. I invited her for Christmas last year and she said, Oh no thank you, we much rather go to your brother this year. She also ignored us all holiday but I knew she'd call this week as our apples are ripe and she wants kilos of them for her jam making. She quite happily came to collect hundreds of them while we were away, rather than time her visit to actually see her grandchildren. But unless you really want and have the energy for a family feud, I'd just be forgiving and get on with having the best time you can with him before it's too late.

Thank him for all the lovely plans he made. Be a bit sympathetic at him feeling rejected when he is putting effort into your holiday and hosting you. Not saying you're at fault - just that it doesn't take much to be the bigger person and it feels better when the anger and hurt aren't escalating.

pippop1 · 25/08/2012 18:33

It sounds to me as though he might have the beginnings of dementia (calls at the wrong time and calls repeatedly). That might be why he so angry.

You can surrupticiously (sp?) test him when you stay by asking him to remind you of something (say to call someone at a certain time) and see if he does remember to remind you.

Of course I could be completely wrong.

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