rant alert!!! caring for mum and lack of empathy/help from older siblings...

[ssd]

mum is mid eighties, frail and housebound and in a wheelchair

I look after her, she has care coming in daily but anything else is left to me

is been so hard watching mum get worse as she's aged, heartbreaking to see

siblings all live 100's of miles away and visit for a couple of days 2/3 times a year

what I want to rant about is my sister who always says oh I spoke to mum on the phone she sounds fine...gggrrr!!!

mum isnt fine, she's barely alive, just passing the days now

how can someone stick their heads in the sand all these years? how do they do it? why does sister never ask how I am, how I cope with young kids and an old mum and not much help with either?

how can anyone be so selfish? its not like she thinks mums great from one bloody phone call, i mean seriously

[CMOTDibbler]

Huge sympathy, I know just where you are coming from.

[ssd]

its a b***d isnt it

how do they get away with acting all superior (my sister is older than me, her kids very successful, big houses etc), then deny mum is any trouble and everythings great

why have they got no empathy, its all about them and their lives , its like you dont count

[gingeroots]

I so sympathise and have this as well .
I suppose it's guilt/defensiveness ?
They can't afford to let themselves see the true picture as it would reflect so badly on them .

Also I know an elderly person seems fine when viewed for a couple of hours in a cleanish ( guess who cleans it ) house .

There are so many little things that have to be done of which they have no inkling .

I think you should try and take any opportunity to correct them ,tell them what's involved .

Your role sounds really tough - do you ever get a break ?

[TheCrackFox]

She is probably in denial because to admit your mum is frail and old she would have go acknowledge that you are doing all of the caring. Denial stops her from feeling guilty.

[ssd]

i dont even think she's in denial, she really believe she's right in every bloody thing, mum being one of them

trust me, she has no guilt whatsoever

[gingeroots]

I think you should challenge her when she says your mum is fine , tell her what your role involves .

I recently did a carers assesment ( for me ) and one of the things suggested was that the carer should have a back up plan in case they're taken ill and someone has to step into their shoes .
This involves writing stuff down ,the routine etc .

Perhaps you could use this as an excuse to show your siblings on papewr what you do and .....as k them if they would do it if you were knocked down/taken ill ?

[ssd]

they wouldnt be able to step in, they are too far away

sister has talked of putting mum into a home for years

she hasnt a clue, she never has had

but its a good idea!

[gingeroots]

oh yes - put her in a home ,that's the response I got when I said I felt bad for my family that I couldn't get away for a holiday .
Though it was meant kindly and it was respite being suggested .
But so inappropriate .

[twentyten]

feel for you ssd.similar here-my db is famed for "popping in" for an hour on the way to take his Il's on holiday...9usually 2 hrs late)
This weekend they left sil's handbag in their rush to get out so had to come back next day- and took mum out in wheelchair for the first time in YEARS following strong words from me and mum actually-she told them how much I was doing and needed input from them-recieved stonily!!
ANd they went off with a bit of the chair..........
Get a carers assessment. using official stuff helps. But it's really tough. You must look after yourself.

[CMOTDibbler]

twentyten - my brother does that too. Except he and his wife pop in for 15 minutes on their way to spend the weekend, or even a week - at Christmas, first time his parents had seen their baby - with her parents who live 15 min away. He lives 4 hours away (I live an hour and a half away too), so I had hoped they'd see more of him than his hour pop in once every 6 months when he was marrying someone with family so close. But actually mum and dad feel more neglected by him than before.

[ssd]

thanks

I have a db who's not too much use either, but he's got a very busy life and lives furthest away

somehow I always expect more of my dsis and its never been there. she has grown up kids, works part time and has money to spare. also shes a lot older than me, so got the best of mum when her kids were growing up. now mum is old she hardly visits, quite happy to leave it all to me, in fact she really hasnt a clue whats involved, I think she genuinely thinks I love running around for mum whilst having kids in primary school

its the complete lack of thought I get from her that really hurts/annoys me and knowing she'd be amazed I felt this way, she thinks everythings wonderful

[ssd]

BTW I work school hours, my post sounded as though I have all day to help mum when kids are in school - deffo not!

[spookytoo]

So wouldn't you consider a care home for DM. At least others are around during the day if needed.

[ssd]

thanks, but its immaterial now

mum died a few days ago

am totally distraught and sad

want to start a thread but cant face it, cant face much just now

[CMOTDibbler]

So, so, sorry to hear that SSD. Much love to you.

[ssd]

thank you. emotions are all over the place just now.