Conflict with sibling with Care of Elderly Parent

[ljjjd]

I read through many of the threads.... and I haven't found a topic thread with a problem quite like mine. My 80year old father (my mom died 12 years ago) is starting to slow down. He is still okay with his physical health with just slight memory issues. The problem is my oldest sister. She moved in with him around one year ago and her being there is slowly killing the spirit of my father. She is single and has lead a "carefree" life, bouncing around from job to job, living here and there. She cannot hold down a job, and at at her age (she is now 58) the chances of her getting hired by anyone is slim. She is perfectly physically able, capable and fit, yet her mental state is someone questionable. Since she has moved in she is slowing turning my fathers home into a horders place. SHe does absolutely nothing to help my father, other than drive him to the Old Country Buffett everyday where he buys her dinner, and occassionally drive him to a doctors appointment (which I gladly did before she moved in). SHe barely-if at allcleans the house or even cleans up after herself (!) and currently it is so bad that it is my opinion that it is becoming unhealthy. My sister and I go over periodically to clean, but it often overwhelming to do and the worst of it we had to do it on the sly when no one is home as my sister startes to have mental fits of crying and shreking if we touch her stuff. My dad was always a very neat person and the house was beautiful, but he doesn't have the energy to battle with her so she literally runs roughshot over him. I don't begrudge my sister for living there if she has no place to go, but she will do NOTHING to help himno cooking, little if no cleaning and she is trashing our once beautiful family home with all her crap everywhere. Me, my brother and other sister, beg her to clean up her act, but she freaks out so bad that it stresses my dad out horribly. He would rather just put up with her than hear any discourse between us, yet he doesn't seem to want to admit that this just makes things worse. He feels sorry for her and on one level, I do too, but his living conditions is making this once vibrant man become withdrawn and accepting of living in a way he would never normally do. He hold it all in and it is obvious to all observers that my sister is crushing his spirit and as a result, he is actually starting to physically suffer too. Can anyone give any advice. Because my sister and I try to clean the house, it may not look that bad to an outside observer, but her presence there is causing a great deal of resentment for us other siblings as this goes beyond a dirty house as we all feel that her selfish ways are hurting our father and his health. Any advice would be welcome.

[ssd]

no advice, but heartfelt sympathy from me x

[gingeroots]

Goodness what a tough one .

I think you need to talk to your sister to try and get her to admit to her problems and see a GP ,she sounds depressed /unwell .

And I wonder if you posted this over on relationships www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships
if someone might have some ideas .

[twentyten]

Sympathy from me too. Getting your dad's gp involved could help?

[ljjjd]

My sister has no health insurance, and though the rest of us would happily chip in to pay for care for her, she refuses to go to a doctor. She definately has some mental issues, getting her to admit to them is so far fruitless. It makes my dad sick when he hears us kids fight with her. We try not to, but as one can imagine, even the most carefully planned and restrained conversation can sometimes get frustrating and out of hand because she is so unreasonable. How can you get an irrational person to SEE how unreasonable they are???!?? Us kids are seriously thinking about having my dad move to a retirement home just to get him away from her, but that makes us sick in the heart as he loves his home and to putter around his yard and talk with his neighbors. I work in the medical field and realistically, I wish his GP had an answer....I have already gone that route. :(.
I am so sad over this whole situation as I see that my oldest sister needs help on her own, but irregardless of her mental situation now, she has always be a selfish and often very manipulative person. It is becoming harder for me and my other siblings to have much compassion for her as we dont want to sacrifice our dad's well being over having to deal with "baby steps" with her mental issues. I guess as this point, posting on this forum is a way for me to vent........

[gingeroots]

OP hadn't realised that health insurance /paying for medical care was an issue .
Presume you are not in UK ?
Really feel for you ,but thinking maybe moving your dad would be for best in long run .

[ljjjd]

I a suppose I am in a bit of denial that moving my dad out might be the best way. And no, I live in the US. I guess I just have to get my emotions in check as my sister is really upsetting me and my other siblings sooooo much. An intervention with my sister, I know, will be pointless and nothing will come out of it. But perhaps an "intervention" of sorts with our Dad might help him see how much we care about HIM and his well being. Also, it will probably help him in the long run as if he is at a place with lots of people his age (there is two very very nice retirement/senior places nearby) I have a feeling he will do better. He is normally a very gregarious person. I just want to see that version of him again, and not this depressed one that my sister brings out of him. I live in a townhome, so moving him in with me is not practical, otherwise I would do it in a heartbeat. But again, being around people his own age makes him very happy. Thanks all for the kind words.

[gingeroots]

Well I would definitely talk to your dad and explore idea of him moving .
So much better to move before health deterioates .
Good luck .