Is it realistic to ask Nan to live with me, my husband and our 2 year old?

[Samanthalouise2010]

Hello,
My Nan has dementia. She is 87 and lives alone. She manages well practically (washing, dressing and cleaning the house) but she is frequently sad and lonely. My dad visits almost everyday but she finds it hard when he goes home, she sees her neighbor and a social worker sometimes but has never wanted to go out and see people, she prefers the company of family.

Is is realistic to ask Nan to live with me, my husband and my 2 year old? Or am I being very naive about the challenges that this will inevitably involve down the line? Nan is in two minds about what she wants. She understandably does not want to leave her home of 60 years but gets very lonely and anxious (and is beginning to struggle and get confused more).

Her favorite person at the moment, guaranteed to help her relax and smile, is my daughter. In return my daughter is delighted when she sees 'nan nan' and they can happily spend the day pottering and chattering, my daughter loves the undivided attention and Nan seems to love looking after her great granddaughter (another adult is always with them)

Any thoughts? Has anyone else tried a similar living arrangement?

I think you'd need to consider further down the line. It might not be so bad just now but what happens later? My grandad had Alzheimer's and my grandma looked after him at home. He had a catheter and they set up a hospital bed in the living room (I know not everyone will get like this). What happens if she leaves the cooker on? It may end up feeling like your looking after 2 children. (sorry, not meaning to sound harsh).

It's really difficult watching someone you love with this though so I feel for you.

I think that you need to research the worst of dealing with people with dementia or Alzheimers, and then make your decision. Caring for someone with a serious problem like that is a huge thing. It might be that you can do better for your nan by having the safe, calm space of your own home to go to at the end of a day in which your and her great granddaughter have spent a lot of time with her somewhere else. (Continence problems and mood swings are some issues she may face later on.)

My gut feeling is that your nan and your dd may have a better relationship living separately than together and the the stresses of being the main carer to someone with this sort of illness could put an unbearable strain on your family when you are still a generation below the generation that you'd usually expect to be taking that strain. Your dd is still very young and you've probably got a few tantrums and difficulties to get through there, without adding 24/7 caring responsibilities for an elderly person.

I don't want to sound as though I wouldn't take in a parent or grandparent who needed care and could only get it that way because I would. But I wouldn't do it lightly. I've had some experience of caring for elderly relatives with serious illnesses - your generous impulse to offer a slightly confused but loving Nan should be backed up by a really solid understanding of the practical implications down the line for your family before you do it. It would utterly change your family life, forever, and although your nan and dd get on well that doesn't necessarily mean it will actually be best for either of them.

I think you sound like a wonderful person, OP. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but good luck with whatever you decide.

I did just think of one thing - are you planning to have any more children? It could be very tricky with looking after your nan, your DD and a baby / more babies...

Thanks for all the feedback. it is helping me to start thinking things through, and yes I would like another baby which would be an increased stress at times and can I really expect Nan to fit in with the whirlwind of two small children?.

It is a puzzle and the reality of how dependent and ill Nan could become is very clear and very worrying. I work for a community health team and see the different arrangements that families have when caring for dependent relatives. All the families I meet seem to struggle at some point, with the emotional stress and physical challenges so I realise it is not going to be easy, already it is hard.

However through work, I meet a lot of families from South Asian backgrounds (different from my own) and living with extended family is more common, relatives with high care needs seem more likely to stay in the family home rather than in paid care. This is a very different model to what I am used to, but it started me thinking about what we could offer Nan as her condition progresses.

But am I idealising this idea a bit? How do families make it work?

thanks x

The other thing to consider is that any capabilities she has will deteriorate more if she is allowed to atrophy iyswim. So the stimulation she would get from being around you all would probably help her hold on to what she has for longer. Make sure she keeps some responsibility and helps you out so she isn't stripped of all task doing in order to keep her faculties for as long as possible.

OP, you also need to consdier the other side of this - your two year old. My mum is getting divorced and has moved in with DH, our 2-year old and I within the last week. She's not used to getting up at 5.30am, as DS does, and having to be quiet when DS is asleep. Toddlers are exhausting if you're not used to them.

Also, as your GM gets older and her demetia gets more delevoped, is she more likely to behave unpredictably, which could scare your DS, e.g. lashing out, shouting?

Just to play devils advocate...

If she moved in and things deteriorated too far the situation would be re-appraised? It doesn't have to be set in stone as a permanent thing.

In the same way as staying in her own home now, is not set in stone, she is there because she is still managing but if that changed an alternative would be sought. So that would still apply if she was with you presumably?

For now she is capable of having a rich and mutually nurturing relationship with her family and your dc, that time and your daughters childhood will go and the moment will be passed, some amazing memories could be made in the meantime.

Just because she joins you now to ease her present situation of loneliness, doesn't mean you would have to go beyond your families abilities to cope, and she would be in no worse a position if you had to put her into care after being with you than if she went into care after continuing to live alone.

I agree with JennerOSity. I'm coping with similar issues with my own parents, as Mum has early stage dementia - but doesn't want to give up her independence yet.

I have worked with people with dementia. You will know when your Nan needs more supervision/support than you can give her, and hopefully there will be somewhere suitable near to you when she can go to be looked after. Perhaps you could ask about/look into that now, so that you are prepared for what might be needed four or five years down the line.

In the meantime, I think that it's lovely if she can live with you and if you can cope with it. Yes, there will be challenges, and they can be exhausting, particularly when you have small children. I don't think that I could have done it then, but if you feel that you can then they are challenges which can enrich your lives - I think it can be a huge benefit for children to see that damaged, disabled or difficult relatives can still be valued as a part of a family - we are all different and it's a great thing to see a family who loves and cares for you whoever you are.

Thank you so much for all your thoughts and sharing your experiences, There is lots to think about and I really appreciate your comments. Thank you x

I am sorry if this sounds critical - it isn't meant to be - but how thoroughly have you discussed this with your husband? Are you sure that if you do this for your Nan that at some future stage your husband won't want to do this for one of his relatives - would you want to do that?
You mention your Dad visiting your Nan - how much help would he give you if you take her on and is there a reason why he isn't prepared to take her on?

Can you perhaps have her from Friday to Monday to start with? It would give you an insight into full-time living, give your Nan the loving family situation she needs and then you can step back into your own space at the end of the visit. It might also give your Nan something to look forward to each week? If she's happy in her own home just now, perhaps the weekend visit would be enough?

Singingsands, that's a very good idea to keep it to weekends initially. It's often the worst part of the week for the elderly and your whole family can see how it goes