alcoholism as well?

[motherdaugher]

We've just been down to spend the weekend with my widowed father. He's not been well over the last few months: he lost my mum last year, had a head injury just before Christmas which required a stay in the neurology unit and has lost a lot of his hearing. Since then he's been a bit fragile, unsurprisingly.

So. We arrived yesterday in time for lunch. he offered us a scotch. DH & I were both slightly appalled. We don't really do spirits in the morning. Friend came for afternoon tea, dad spent half the time out playing with dd; she loves him to bits and kept dragging him out into the garden.
We put kids to bed whilst dad had a nap (dd is exhausting) We had dinner - couple of large bottles of beer between us. dad was tired but totally lucid.

This morning we found the bottle of scotch which had been nearly full when we arrived, was totally empty.
My father drank 3/4 bottle of scotch yesterday without showing any signs of drunkenness. How the hell do you drink that much without it impacting on you?
Am I unreasonable to think that he must do this quite often?

I challenged him this morning; he said the GP knew what he drank and it was fine. Apparently that amount of spirits is fine with blood pressure medication, long term antibiotics and sleeping tablets.

My final comment was to point out that spirits and sleeping tablets is a well known way of committing suicide. This seemed to surprise him and he promised to stop. Since he's told me at least 3 times in the last 2 or 3 months that he's stopped drinking I have no faith in this meaning anything.

The short term memory loss, his inability to follow anything complicated, his insomnia, I had put down to grief and his accident but I'm beginning to wonder if he is actually just an alcoholic. Does anybody know anything about alcoholism?

you say "down to visit your dad"

I take it you're not involved in his daily life

is there any family members more involved with him you could ask for advice?

is your dad lonely/depressed? is her involved and any clubs to get him out the house?

or is he left alone between visits with only whiskey for company?

you sound quite annoyed and unsympathetic to me, do you talk to your dad regularly or lecture him when you come down to visit?

It would be quite unusual for someone to just become alcoholic late in life without any past history.
In an older person usually there is something underlying ie depression or dementia. He may be drinking to cope with his loss or actually he may just be quite unaware of how much he has had.
Either way he needs help. Talk to his GP about your concerns. Better if he gives permission for you to do this but you can still call even without it. You can tell the GP information but the GP needs permission from your dad to give out any info.

He lives an hour and a half away from us. I talk to him pretty much every day on the phone and we try to see him every couple of weeks. There is no more family.
I know he is lonely and is probably depressed. he misses my mum dreadfully but mostly he doesn't like people. He does have a number of friends who have been fantastic phoning him, seeing him every couple of weeks for the last few months. he likes some of them but is slowly ditching others because he has decided they don't like him or he doesn't like them.

I've tried persuading him to join courses/clubs etc but he's very shy and has refused. I've tried inviting him to do one off one day courses near us - that way there's no chance of bumping into people again if he doesn't like them but might encourage him that engaging with people or learning something new might be interesting/fun/diverting but he's not interested.

Other people have tried taking him out to the theatre, concerts etc but he's often cancelled the day before.

There are a couple of religious groups near him that he's been involved in in the past and which he's gone back to a couple of times over the last few months. each time he's gone back he's come away swearing about them and how dreadful they are. the next month he's forgotten how much he hated it and goes back for more.

I'm not actually unsympathetic but I am frustrated. I just don't know how I can help him. I'm also scared that he's losing his mind and I'm now scared that he's just going to piss his life away in a bottle of whisky and I really don't know what to do.

he has what my mum always called an 'addictive personality'. If there is alcohol in the house it must be drunk. Mum stopped him making his own wine and beer to try to reduce his consumption. he used to chain smoke cigars and if there was food in the house he'd just eat.

Mum isn't there now to regulate any of that.
I'm not sure he has any awareness of how much he's drinking. I think he just has a little. and another little one. And then, possibly forgetting having had those, he thinks a scotch might be in order but I really don't know. When he runs out I think he stops and then he buys a bottle and since it's there it should be drunk...

I might have to talk to his gp. It feels like going behind his back though, although he has given consent for the gp to talk to me.
Thanks for your comments though. It's helping to clarify my thinking.

I would tell him that you plan to talk to the GP (he's going to find out anyway if you do it). You already had a pretty frank discussion with him so he knows your concerns.

I don't think any GP is really unconcerned about nearly a bottle of Scotch consumed in a day but he may just have asked if its ok to have a small glass in the evenings. The GP does need to know the truth as you're right that its a bad mix with sleeping tabs.

He might need antidepressants or a memory assessment or just someone to talk to in confidence about losing his wife. The GP can refer him to the community mental health team.