How not to be ground down by it all?

[ComeIntoTheGardenMaud]

I know the answer is, in Churchill's words, to keep buggering on, but how?

Get out of the house and think of something else, just occasionally.

Don't try and mix dealing elderly parent and young child at the same time or you might end up screaming and throwing glasses onto the tiled floor. Try not to alienate RL friends by being so distracted by own issues that you lose their friendship and end up talking to yourself alone in your head.

It helps if you feel, deep down, that there is a point to every stage of life, however hard it is to see it at the time.

No idea I'm afraid parent care seems a lot harder than child care right now. And I feel permanently guilty that I don't do more

Thank you, both.

I think what is grinding me down is that, however much I do, it's constantly insinuated that I ought to be doing more.

Thats the problem isn't it ? You could be there every day, and yet there'd still be something else to be done.

Will your parents accept any care from others ? Like a 'cleaner' who could keep an eye too, or a taxi account so they can just get a mini cab to appointments ?

Ten calls from MIL this evening. Must get "caller display" on our home phone. I don't bother telling her now that she's already phoned x times. DH does what he can but we live 100 miles away from her and can't/won't spend every weekend visiting her (BIL lives less than 10 miles away so visits more frequently and gets most of the flack).

Agh. Taxis. My mother gave up driving long ago. My father has various ailments which make driving uncomfortable for him, but my mother refuses to contemplate using taxis because (she says) she can't get in and out of them easily, although I would have thought a taxi would be more accessible than their car. Anyway, this is just the sort of head-crashing-on-wall issue that is grinding me down.

You have my sympathies, Lilymaid.

We tried to get MIL to use a taxi (she's not short of money) so she could get into town or go to an appointment - but she wouldn't - thinks they are out to swindle her. BIL had to take a lot of time off work in order to get her to her appointments. He had to work this round a busy work schedule/business visits and his own life so that she didn't have to get a taxi.
My DF who died last year was quite happy about taking taxis to hospital appointments etc - every person is different.

I realise how lucky I am that my Aged Parent never insinuates that I don't do enough; she worries that she is a burden on me and is always saying that I have too much to do (she brought up two children, ran a farm, supported a disabled husband, grew all our own vegetables and allowed us innumerable pets ...)
However, I feel that I am not doing enough, of course.

lillymaid - re the caller display ,is it easier/cheaper to get cheap phone with answerphone and then you you can just let it get to the taking the message bit and pick the phone up if required ?

Aah LaBelle ...mine is more inclined to the " but you're so busy " view .
But I wish she wasn't really as she's forever hiding things , fibbing ,trying to cope and not .
She tries to deal with wounds herself and it means infections and dried blood ( which she can't see ) everywhere .

Happy medium is what I'd like , working together with her to keep her independence is what I dream of .
As opposed to trying to second guess everything , biting my tongue and trying to pick up the pieces .

I'm learning fast that getting someone in early on to do things like cleaning etc-I couldn't do it all but felt bad.I've also realised the need to give my DM as much controlas possible-Wiltshire farm foods etc delivering("not as nice as M&S..")
We have to look after ourselves.This can consume us.

it is all consuming

sympathies and nods in agreement to you all

(ssd)

Yes, Ginger, I recognise the dried blood. No infections, luckily, maybe because she was, among many other careers, a nurse. Persuading her to change her clothes when thet are certainly not at all fresh, without upsetting her, that's the problem. Her self image and self esteem are approximately zero.

Oh yes ,clean clothes ...tricky .

Could you lay out a clean set ready for her when she gets up in the morning ?

I find with my mum that a lot of it is just ease of access - which often means grabbing what's nearest ,ie what she took off yesterday .

But I have found ( trial and error ) that finding clothes that she finds really easy to put on has helped . Elasticated waists . House coat type thingy .

Yes, I have tried laying out the clean clothes ... but she often finds the old ones she has taken off and thrown on top of the clean ones. The alternative would be to go into her room after she has gone to bed and take away the clothes she has just taken off, but, again, I think that that would be too damaging to her self esteem, treating her like a child. I try and introduce the subject as if for the first time every evening, saying I am just going to do some washing, has she got anything that she could put out to fill the machine? At least she doesn't usually remember that I said the same the night before.

I think if you are able to remove the worn clothes after she's gone to bed ( it sounds as tho she lives with you ? ) then I would give it a go .

If she reacts badly just apologise and back off . She may not mind as much as you think ?

But do watch out for the favourite clothes syndrome , my mum was forever wearing the same clothes but that was partly because she had such a long list of criteria about what suited her - you know ,pockets in cardigan ( but must be patch pockets ,not pockets on the seam ,elasticated waists ( but must be thin threaded elastic ,not thick elastic or the sewn in shirred kind ,light easy to handle fabric ( preferably 100% cotton ) ... The list is long .
And I've yet to reach an understanding about knicker requirements - musn't be clingy or stretchy ,no seams or labels ,baggy but musn't fall down .
She has several holey ones complete with safety pins . But I can't find anything that ( to her ) would be a suitable replacement .

A lot of her requirements made sense for a 92 year old with very little vision and very little feeling or movement in her hands when I thought about it .

Sympathies ,keep plugging away and you might have a breakthrough one day .