Feel so bad for my parents

[grandaughter]

I amlucky enough to have three living grandparents at the age of 32. They are all in their 90s.

My mum and dad are in their 60s and basically spend their whole life running about after the g'parents.

Mum's mum (96) lives next door to them. Mum is one of 6, 2 live overseas. One lives in the same town. Mum makes evening meal for her mum every day and takes it round. It has to be blitzed in a food processor for her because she has digesive problems. If mum is not able to do it on a certain day she does it the day before and leaves it for gran to microwave.

My dad's parents live 6 miles away and mum speaks to them every day. She takes them shopping and to at least three appointments (doctor, optical, chiropodist, barber) each week. My dad works (not retired, self employed) so is often unavailable although he does a fair bit too. My grandparents read the Daily Mail far too much.

The latest thing is dad's parents' TV is broken. It's about a year old. My grandpa fiddles with technology until it breaks, then panics. They MUST go and buy a new one as soon as the shops open on Wednesday. This is just an example.

My parents were invited to the isle of Wight by some friends who live there to watch the ships sailing for the jubilee. They were looking forward to it, but they had to cancel because it meant staying overnight and there are 3 appointments booked for Wednesday (and now also a TV to buy )

I feel so sorry for them. My siblings and I all live away, and/or work full time. I have 2 DDs, so they have two little Grandaughterswho they don't get to spend time with, because they are looking after Old People all the time.

My dad's parents refuse carers. They refuse to have an emergency buzzer despite falls etc. They won't have strangers in the house (they want their window frames painted so mum will have to be there all the time the painter is there)... it's really stressful for my parents, but they don't see that at all.

My mum's mum has an alarm, and my auntie pops in every day, so at least the care is a bit more shared.

I think I am just ranting a bit on this thread, but there mustbe a whole generation of newly retired people who don't get to be grandparents because of the older generation .

My Mum is in her 60s and acts ancient....I can't help but think about your situation that at least your parents are energetic and YOUNG sounding.

Yes ...old people can be demanding but that's life. You would feel worse if all the care was on your plate I'm sure.

I don't mean to be harsh....but your Mum and Dad COLD have insisted the appointments were rescheduled but chose not to go on their trip instead. Maybe you could take on some of the appointments for your parents instead?

I can understand that some elderly people do not want strangers in the house but this has to be a compromise when they are dependant on others. Can your parents, particularly your father sit down with them and set out what they are able to do and what they need to get help for. They need to set some boundaries as as they get older this will get worse.
Perhaps look at getting a local cleaner in and someone to help with shopping. And be firm that if they need something doing then it will be done but if it is not an emergency it will not be done immediately.
Sounds harsh but your grandparents need to take your parents needs, especially your mother's into account.

I feel bad for your parents too! That new telly ASAP stuff would drive me round the bend. I used to say that my own granny was of the "see a problem, solve a problem" mindset, she would never wait, it had to be done right now and so was often botched.

Do your parents use the internet? There is no need to see a TV before you buy it, just order one online with installation.

It's a v difficult situation. The obvious answer is for them to have a few carers a day or to go into a home. Maybe a social worker can suggest this to them with your parents present at a meeting in their home. It's not fair on your parents at all.

It is hard work and stressful on your parents, and they are trying to do the right thing.

But their lives and their grandchildren are important too. It would be a shame if they cared for their 90 y.o. parents until they became ill or disabled themselves and unable to do the things they have time and ability to do now.

The only way to achieve that though, is to get your parents to set boundaries including days off (they can leave dinner in the fridge for the next day or g/g/mother has carer come in) and arrangements for when they are away. The TV and appointments could have waited until their return or aunty could have done this online even, and really your parents are the only ones that could have said, "we cant as we are away" and re-arranged this.

What would happen if your parents broached this with their parents, and said "we love you but need some times to ourselves as well?"
Regarding carers- if they (g/g/parents) agree to a social worker assessing them, and if they have under £21.5K in savings, they could potentially use direct payments to employ people they know (or know of) as their carer- the special nutritional needs may qualify as substantial care need under the local adult care criteria so they'd probably get about 30-60 mins a day in care hour monies. Carers are only strangers at the start, so if they employ a regular carer through direct payments, they would get to know them well within a short period. It's a thought.

pippop - The obvious answer is for them to have a few carers a day or to go into a home.

Do you really think that it's as simple as that ?

Have you had much experience of carers coming in ?
Or giving up your home to go into an institution ?

It doesnt sound to me as if they need to go into a care home. Really that's a last resort. It sounds like they need a little bit of help popping in and out.

Adult services wont do the purchasing TV and organising bit, the family need to do that, but they would provide help for basic needs such as eating (special dietary needs), drinking, toilet, washing, dressing, walking inside the property. It is the eating part of the latter that is tying OP's parents to visiting their parents house daily, so that would be the obvious bit to hive off on some days, so they get a break or for when they want to go away.

But the g/g/parents have to agree to having social worker visit to assess and some people are simply too private. They can choose to be private whilst their family step in, and the only way to change that is for OP's parents to decide they want a bit of their lives back and make that leap to broach subject with their own parents and say we cant do the level we have been doing. We need time for ourselves and to see our grandchildren. I imagine there is a lot of guilt involved for OP's parents.

Poor things. Firstly there is good advise at an AGE UK shop if there is one local, if not then give them a ring and explain what they do for their parents, they will then give really good advise about options available for them, they are honestly a really good place for advise.

For meals you could try Wiltshire Farm Foods they come highly recommended, I have dealt with maybe 30 - 40 older people who use these and as the ggp can use a microwave then this will remove meal obligations, they are delivered straight to their door. You could look into Meals on Wheels but it depends on their authority as to criteria.

Shops can be done by internet and delivery, medication can be delivered and in dosette boxes which show the days of the weeks and times for them to be taken.

As for the pendants, then maybe your parents can guilt trip them a bit, I have found this to work in some circumstances, they can say it's for their piece of mind, I think they are about £5.10 a week depending on where they live. There are also other communication devises available at no extra expense once they pay the 5 pound odd a week, one of the pendants available is a fall alert, it will ring through to the control if one of them falls and a warden will come out to them if needed.

Can you check to see if their social services offers a reablement service? This involves a service up to 6 weeks where they will go in a certain number of times a day and assess exactly what may be needed, this can be a gentle introduction to 'care services', your ggp will be assigned a named social worker if you choose to go down this route. They can refuse any recommendations without any problems or obligations.

There are charities available to take older people to hospital appointments etc. Age UK will be able to advise for their area.

Also things like haircuts, eye checks, hearing checks etc. can be done at home, again Age UK will advise for their area.

Private cleaner for weekly cleans.

Sounds like it is time for 'the chat' telling their parents that they are not getting any younger and they want to spend more time with their grandchildren.

I hope things work out all round.

Sounds awful where I said guilt trip them about the pendants. What I really meant was to tell the truth really, they are worried something will happen when they are not there and won't know about it.

Hi all, sorry to have disappeared for a bit.

Unfortunately I live 2 hours away (my DDs, 9 months and 3.5 years, are my parents' only grandchildren so far) so I can't step in for them at appointments etc.

My Grandfather is a very proud man, war veteran etc. and refuses to accept he is 93 and not as capable any more. He thought he ought to be able to repaint their window frames himself. A carer was suggested by their GP after his most recent fall and he said no. His opinion was that he would have to get up to let them in anyway... he didn't appreciate that they would have keys! They are very private.

Yes, a lot of guilt. It's really hard because my grandparents don't really understand what's going on. On a day to day level they are ok, but the big picture not so much, they certainly don't understand the impact they are having on my parents' lives. My mum's mum is not too bad, especially with my aunt to help out a bit.

re. the TV, my parents would happily shop around and buy online. My grandpa reads the Daily Mail far too often to allow online shopping...

I'm down for a few days with the DDs and my mum was quite sad yesterday because her sister (another aunt) has taken her grandchildren away for half term to the seaside and it's not something she will be able to do for the forseeable future as there's nobody else to look after her inlaws.

And then you have people like me, only 8 years old than you, and with parents much like your grandparents, who struggle to find time for her own children with full time work and elderly parents. Sometimes life throws you lemons.

What are you doing to help?

for you, Quint.

It's hard for me to help on a practical level, being far away with small children. I visit my grandparents whenever I am able to go down, although last time I was there, DGM actually poked DD1 with her walking stick and made her cry, while the baby was howling for a feed at the same time, it was chaos and we had to leave!

I wish I could help more. I try to be supportive to my mum and listen to her woes! I used to phone my grandparents up for a chat quite regularly but they can't hear on the phone now (IS IT BROKEN, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, CAN YOU HEAR ME? WHAT DID YOU SAY??!!!!) so I try to write and send photos of the children. It doesn't help my parents much though.

I just asked my mum about Wiltshire Farm Foods and she has suggested it and taken them the catalogue and suggested a trial for a few days but they have refused to have people come to the house to deliver. This also rules out internet shopping of course. They spend about £150 a week on groceries mostly readymeals (some unsuitable for freezing but they won't listen when my mum tries to explain) which go in the freezer. My DGM is defensive about her freezer (whole other story!) and goes through it every so often throwing things out...

Maybe they can be delivered to your parents on the day they go to visit then. That way your mum knows they have meals for the fortnight and shopping to last them x amount of time but it won't be down to your mum to traipse round the shops for it all.

Maybe if you plan it far enough in advance you could go and stay at your Mums for a week with the girls while she goes away. At least you will be there for the basics - they can move their appointments.
You have to put your foot down with old people as they can become very selfish without realising it.
We moved my Mum in with us as it was easier than keep running back and forth to press one button on the remote!!!
I really do sympathise - your parents are from the selfless generation - they see it as their duty. However, they have to have a life too.
We have finally managed to get DMil onto WFF and have an alarm around her neck. It was all going well until the other day she was just about to pay £2,000 to some gypsies for jet washing her drive. And she lives at the other end of the country from us!!!

Well, I have chatted through with my mum an idea of how we might be able to get carers involved.

My grandma has to have her cateracts done in July, and thereafter will need eye drops 4 times daily for two weeks, then twice daily. Mum would have to go over (6 miles) to do these.

They had asked whether a district nurse or equivalent would be able to do it but understandably it's too expensive for the nhs to provide that service.
My suggestion was we look into carers who might be able to do just the eyedrops and sell it to my grandparents that that is what they are for. They will get used to the carer/team of carers coming in for the eyedrops and gradually their role could increase.

Does anyone know if care agencies would do that sort of thing, as a precursor to a more long term arrangement? We would in effect be sneakily bringing carers on board, which sounds awful, as if we are tricking them, but what other choice is there?

My dad doesn't think it will work. I think it's worth a try. I am going to speak to some agencies to see if they will do it.

My parents have been married 40 years this year. They can't arrange anything to celebrate because there's too much going on with my grandparents

As an example of my DGF's paranoia and distrust of strangers, when we were kids we were not allowed to take photos inside the house in case the people who were developing and printing them (and had your address) saw something they might like to steal in one of the pictures...

It has only got worse.

You have had some very useful advise on here. My post is just to sympathise and to suggest that it is your mother who needs the most sympathy and some time off from the drudgery. Is your father an only child and that is why there is no-one else on his side to help? If he has siblings then they should damn well be pulling their weight.
It is very unfair that your mother is picking up the brunt of care for her in-laws when she has her own mother to care for too. I may have misunderstood the op but it seems that it should read ''feel-so-bad-for-my-mother'' not ''parents'' as your father is not doing anywhere near as much as she is for his parents.

grandaughter ouch ,that does sound rather extreme about the photos ..

I think your idea about the eyedrops and carers is brilliant .
Don't be put off by your parents lack of enthusiaism .
I think when your really bogged down by all the caring it's hard to have the energy to consider changing something .

I'm in this situation myself ,I know my mother needs carers ( or I shall expire ,not least from guilt at neglecting own family ) but I'm so exhausted that it's easier to keep on doing what I'm doing .
As opposed to facing the huge effort of trying to persuade mother ,reassuring her ,seeing her through the assesment ,dealing with beuracracy ,and dealing with the fall out if the carers don't quite work out .
Bit like the treatment is worse than the disease .

If your grandparents would agree to being assesed by soc.services they wld probably qualify for care ,the budget for which could be self managed ( or presumably managed by your parents ) .
They could employ someone themselves or I believe Age UK could help with finding and employing carers .
I really think you should contact Age Uk and talk to them - I imagine the carers by stealth approach is not new to them .
www.ageuk.org.uk/documents/en-gb/factsheets/fs24_self-directed_support-direct_payments_and_personal_budgets_fcs.pdf?dtrk=true

Good luck - I think you're brilliant to care so much .

Sympathy.

Old people often become very selfish and demanding. Obviously one should help one's parents in their old age, but in your mother's case the scales have tipped too far in favour of the grandparents and she needs to step back.

I saw my aunt give up her life for my grandmother. She started looking after her when my granny was 80... and she lived till she was 108!! In those years my aunt never had a day out, certainly never went on holiday... and missed seeing her own grandchildren because of her responsibilities.

Thanks all. Gingeroots I will definitely contact them. Thank you.

My dad's brother emigrated in the 1960s and passed away overseas about 6 years ago. It's very complicated (aren't all families in some way?!). His mother treated him very unkindly as a child, and he struggles to reconcile that with her current demands of his father, him, and my mum. He cares, and he does step in when needed, but he also works full time and is self employed, so it is harder for him to go to them in the day time.

You're right, it is mum I feel sad for most, I think.

(By the way, the new TV was delivered today, we took old TV home to my mum and dad's. Switched it on... absolutely nothing wrong with it. gggggaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!)

re TV - I see these things as a learning curve .

Good luck .