Oh God. 'Elderly' mother / DV / poss divorce / rights / housing...

[MrsKitty]

This is a great big mess and I don't know where to start with this, so I apologise if it turns in to a rambling incoherent essay. I'll try to lay out the facts/issues as succinctly as I can.

Background: Poor relationship with my Mother (long story) and I live 200+ miles away, so don't have a huge amount of involvement in her life, although she clearly needs me right now so need to find out what to do.

She's 61, although health / mental wellbeing / behaviour etc would suggest a lot older. She's been married to her husband for approx 7 years (with him for around 18 yrs). She had a stroke earlier this year which mildly affected her movement & speech, and has had 'memory problems' for several years. Personally I believe she has some form of dementia (because as well as memory issues she has had changes in her personality / erratic behaviour etc for a long time) but has no diagnosis for this.

Problem: It looks as though my mother & her husband will be splitting up / applying for divorce. She certainly wants out. But she doesn't know what to do / how to find somewhere to live / what her rights are.

The relationship has been deteriorating for years. Her husband has always been (as far as I can tell) quite controlling, and, quite frankly, sucks the joy from everything he is near. Over the years he has managed to gain control of the few assets that she has/had and currently has full financial control over her.

She was originally a council tenant, until around 10-15 yrs ago she signed over her 'discount' to him to enable him to buy her flat. I believe in doing so she gave up her right to any council assistance in the future. I have no idea if both of their names are on the deeds to this. They subsequently went on to buy a property in Spain, which was supposed to be their retirement home. This, I believe is only in his name.

She has worked, in recent years as a some kind of assistant for him, (he is a contractor I think, so if a company took on his service she would 'work' for them too doing admin - not sure of the full ins and outs of this!) She has been a liability in the last few years, and I think it was more of a 'something to do' than anything else - she would certainly be incapable of getting, or holding a job now IMO.

Her behaviour in the last 5+ years has been erratic, her memory is appalling, her behaviour can be inappropriate, agressive, at times offensive, she has been incapable of managing money/finances, running up massive bills with catalogues/credit cards, calling thise competition lines because she's convinced that she's in with a chance of winning 'the big one' etc. This financial behaviour has led to her husband closing down her current account and putting all the money in his name, where only he can access it.

He has been continually frustrated by her and her behaviour (understandably, to be honest) but has not looked for help or assistance, preferring to goad her and wind her up. When she had her stroke, it seemed as though it was nothing more than a massive inconvenience, and even when visiting her at the hospital he would belittle her and make snarky comments ("I wouldn't bother with your physio - it's not like you'll do the exercises when you get home...")

And now, I have a text from her friend last Friday saying that he's slapped her round the face several times (this is not the first time this has happened) and told her he's had enough of her and wants a divorce. Oh, but she's not having the house, or any of the money from it, because he paid for it. A few slaps round the face are nothing compared to the stuff she went through with a previous partner 25+ years ago, but it's enough to (quite rightly) make her finally want to get out. (I know they've not been happy for ages, but I think she's been in a 'someone's better than no one' frame of mind until now.) He has told her to move in to the spare room and find somewhere else to go sharpish.

My Dad says she's made her bed (they've been divorced 30 years and she's shit on him many times since then)
My husband isn't overly impressed that I'm spending so much headspace on her situation, because I've tried to help in the past and she's not wanted to help herself (although he understands why I need to, I think.)

So, HELP. Where does she go to find out what to do now? I've suggested CAB - what else can she do, bearing in mind she has no money, no documentation for the property (it's all locked away), no work....

I feel like some kind of sheltered accomodation would be most appropriate given her health/age etc. Would she be eligible? How do you go about getting that?

If you've gotten to the end of this - Thank you.
If you have any advice - Thank you, even more.
Even if you don't have any advice, this is the first time I've written this all down, so it has been a help to me regardless.

BTW, I've just finished work, and will be off to bed shortly - please don't be offended if I'm not around for a few hours to respond to any replies!

I'm not a lawyer but didn't want to read and run.

If she's got mental capacity issues could you apply for power of attorney or to the court of protection. ?
Also even if everything is in his name wouldn't she get her share during the financial settlement. ? However see above she would need assistance to make sure she wasn't ripped off.

It all sounds horrendous. Why not have a read through the Age UK website, they do provide advice.

I'm not quite sure of how you would do this, but I feel like you need to notify either her GP or the social services team that she's a vulnerable older person. She really needs assessing for mental health issues.

She also needs to consult a solicitor, but this sounds like it's going to be a long and bloody battle. For yourself, do you want to get involved in all of this? Or I guess to put it another way: how do you limit your exposure to this sorry mess, which I think is your husband's point of view. This could be immensely draining and time-consuming. Is there any other family to share the burden with?

I think Age UK would be good for housing, money and health issues. They can make an appt and see you face to face.

It does sound like she is/has been quite ill - you mentioned some form of dementia but to me it sounds more like bi polar. Either way her GP or social services should be involved.

If they do decide to divorce then she needs a solicitor (again Age uk should be able to advise) and she will not be left with nothing.

Because you are so far away and understandably not wanting to get to involved there is little you can do except suggest she tries the agencies listed above. If you think she is in more serious physical danger you can contact social services yourself or Age uk.

Good luck.

Try speaking to her local council - ask to speak to someone in relation to a 'vulnerable adult'. You should then be able to speak to a social worker who may make contact with her.

Thanks all for your suggestions - I hadn't thought of Age UK . Presumably they'd be able to give similar advice to that from the C.A.B but more tailored to her age group? I've called their freephone number this afternoon and been given another number for their advisory service (not available till after the bank holiday though).

Idontdoironing, I'd considered power of attorney and suggested it in the past but she wouldn't go for it as a."Why would I need that"? and b. It would upset her husband and cause difficulties. No idea how you would go about that process either - something else to look in to.

whyme2 / tribpot I've spoken with her GP on the phone and also travelled to London to attend an appointment with her previously. Whilst he agreed there were memory issues he didn't seem overly concerned with anything else. He is aware there are control issues within the relationship as she told him whilst I as there. He gave her Anti-D's which she refused to take because "she's not depressed". He sold them to her with the idea that they might help mrove her memory, so when there was no change after a week or two she threw them out a they "made no difference".

She also had social services assessments as part of her care after her stroke, but I don't think there was any 'needs' identified. Trouble is, she's very good at 'ticking the right boxes' and behaving appropriately when she knows she has to (i.e. when they are 'testing' her). It's so frustrating because I can see that she's a completely different person from who she was 5+ years ago (and not just in a 5 years older kind of way) but it's impossible to show that to external parties.

Tribpot, you talk about 'limiting my exposure', and I'm ashamed to say that, yes, that is something that I am really struggling with. I work full time (shifts), and I have 2 small children. The little time that I do have out of work are spent fully focussing on them (and my DH!). I'm drained and exhausted at the best of times and this is too much on top of that (The situation has been brewing for at least 6mths-1 yr if not more, and I've kind of buried my head in the sand about it as my previous efforts to help/provide guidance have been shunned). I worked a night shift last night and have managed all of 3 hours sleep as I'm worrying about this - both in terms of what can be done, and wrestling with my conscience about how little I'm willing/able to do. DH thinks she should be able to sort things out herself, once pointed in the right direction, and that I've tried previously and got nowhere so I should let her be. But then I have this nagging guilt along the lines of 'regardless of what's happened in the past she's still my mother, and how would I feel if my kids ditched me in 30 years time.' and then I go back in circles about how finding the time and energy to deal with this will negatively affect my personal family life with my DC and DH.... and so on. As for other family, it is pretty much just me and my brother. My brother lives in the USA so is not really in a position to be involved (although he'd be so much better at all this that I am, and has a better relationship with her). She has brothers herself but they are all estranged from each other. My Dad (her ex of 30 yr ago) is now in the frame of mind that he's bailed her out / been there for her so many times in the past and got nothing that he's pretty much wiped his hands of her.

I'll try AgeUK tomorrow and see what they suggest.

Thanks all for listening. It's a bloody nightmare.

Selks presumably since she's had previous dealings with SS after her stroke she will has a case-file already in existence - perhaps I could get on to them / suggest she gets in touch with whoever worked with her on that and they could go from there?

Possibly but that involvement might have been from a different department e.g hospital social workers....but you could ring and check that by a fluke she is still 'open' to social services. If the answer is no, then do request to speak to someone urgently in relation to a vulnerable adult. There is much more awareness of adult abuse these days and social services have a duty to at least assess the situation. Mention about financial exploitation and domestic violence, and that your mum has had a stroke and is dependent. Good luck.

If your mum contacts them herself, is she likely to say what is actually happening, can she be assertive enough to get the help? It might be more effective if you make the call if you can.

Hmmm. To be honest, I'm not sure that she would be able to assert herself WRT what's going on - Not sure she actually acknowledges most of it some of the time. I've had many conversations with her in recent months where I've called to ask about what's going on / how she is etc and I get random nonsense about what next door neighbours dog was doing, or that she's just finished her ironing, when it's obvious that that's not what I'm talking about.

I think I'm going to have to make the call myself, in order to get as much information across as possible, and then hopefully they will be able to deal with her directly following on from that.

Another problem is if she needs to attend face to face meetings - she doesn't drive, won't travel by tube and gets confused using bus routes she doesn't usually use. .

They may be able to see her at home, or even at your house. Good luck - let us know how it goes.