Eldery mother in my home.Very difficult relationship

[rufus8]

4 years ago my mother (now 90) moved into a lovely annexe we built for her at her request. I realise now that this was a terrible mistake as her behaviour which was always diffiicult has worsened and she shows open contempt for me. She has early dementia and needs help in most areas but resents me helping. I still have a youngish family and a demanding job. As a family ( my DH tried to help her as well) her presence is having a bad effect as we are constantly talking about how to deal with her. I feel that family life has closed down and I note that we have steadily lost social contact with others as her wants/behaviour dominates our life. People assume that I have feelings for her but over the years they have beem eroded away. I now see how difficult it was for my late father to deal her. He became an alcoholic. My only sibling is living miles away and is nearly in a wheelchair with MS and is also alone. I am very lucky with my lovely children and supportive husband but he is 14 years older than me and I am afraid of the effect on him. I just want my children to see happy family life again. Any advice

Honestly? I think you should look at finding a home for her before her dementia gets worse - at least at this stage she should be able to settle in somewhere and feel reasonably "at home" there before her condition worsens. You made a choice, with the best intentions, but it hasn't worked out as you'd hoped. Don't beat yourself up - I'm sure you weren't expecting her behaviour to deteriorate as it has, but dementia can do that to a person, even if they were lovely beforehand (and more so if they were never exactly lovely...)

She may hate you for moving her out of the annexe. But TBH it doesn't sound like her hating you would be so much worse than how she currently treats you, would it?

Thanks. I need to be brave about this but I am scared of her. She contributed to the building work and will demand it back. We spent ages making it lovely for her and she has always gone on about how she was "seen off" etc She has a small property 200 miles away that she intended to use as a "holiday" home ( been in the family for years) but now could not survive on her own up there.

I don't know how old your children are, but I think they have the right to live in a happy family. If your mother is the one preventing that from happening, and especially given her age and health issues, then I think you have no choice but to move her into a residential or nursing home.

She won't like it, but the consequences for your family in the long term if you don't may be dire. From what you say, she doesn't like her situation now anyway.

The hardest bit (for you) will be making and accepting the decision to do this. Once you have decided on this, and put the plan into action, coping with it will probably become easier.

yes it is about a "hierarchy of rights" It came to a particular head the other day when I finally got to my dentist where I was told off for concelling appointments and not looking after myself. When I expalined the complexities I faced the dentist ( herself a professional with children etc) really gave me a lecture about making time for my health. I was fighting back the tears as it is so true but feel guilty about admitting the reality that I am trapped looking after someone who resents me so much and losing the feeling of " emotional safety" one has in ones own home The children do have a right to be happy. I think they belive that we have all been caught up in this situations and no longer laugh together as before.

I do feel for you rufus. I have a difficult relationship with my mother, always have had. As a child, teenager and adult, she used to make me promise not to put her in a home when she got old, but to let her live with me/us. I was scared of her as a child, and conditioned to do as she asked as a young adult, so I use to say yes. I know now that I just couldn't, and shouldn't, do it. But I can empathise with the emotional difficulties and guilt that making the right decision for you and your family will bring out.

Ultimately though, you have given her 4 years with your family. She has chosen to not make it easy for any of you. You and yours deserve some happy and fun family time, your husband deserves to be able to live the life he chooses in your home (enjoying a social life with you and your friends, etc), and you deserve to have time for yourself, to look after yourself, and to feel comfortable in your home.

This is why this forum is so good. I cannot say to people in my small community that I dislike my mother indeed I hate the way that the only thing people say to me now is "how is your mum/is not she wonderful for her age" as though I have ceased to have any other existance. So I increasingly avoid contact. I have to act and resolve this and try and get over the guilt etc. Comments here have been much appreciated.

rufus, it sounds like you have gone well beyond the call of duty and its now time for you to put yourself and you're family first

it is a really hard situation you are in, I'd contact a solicitor to discuss the money side and contact age uk to discuss the emotional side (which is always harder than anything else....)

your mother needs to go into a home that is able to address her needs, whether she likes it or not

can you speak to her gp?
also she needs to be assessed by your local council, phone them up and ask to speak to a duty social worker with regards caring for your mum

good luck xx

Rufus I feel for you. My DM is 86 and moved up the road 6 years ago. She is increasingly dependent and it is impacting on my family life- I am clinging on to my work and friendships as I realise that all our clocks are ticking.I am working hard at getting support for her but it isn't easy-I do not want to just become her daughter.
Do you have help/support for her? A home is the answer but could you start creating some breathing space by getting support?Do you have all the allowances etc? I'm no expert but Age UK is good.
We get one shot at this.

Don't feel guilty.Four years is a long time.Good luck!

Completely agree with all of the above ,and am also someone caring for ( not in own home ) a difficult mother .
And to my horror I find I'm still trying to please her and I'm still frightened by her .
So you are not alone with that .

I'm wondering if this www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-help/care-and-support/carers-assessment might help support you through the process of moving her out into a home ? Which is honestly what I think you should do - after all things are not going to improve are they ?

My local authority ( London ) offer 3 x one hour massage sessions if you complete one - not sure why ,think they may be wanting to encourage completion .

Screw your courage to the sticking point and go for moving her out .

Have acted. Saw the GP with her this morning. He insisted I come in with her. Apparently he had told her in a previous visit that she had dementia and should be refered but she had not told me this. She was pretty awful to me in front of him, which was good as he was stern with her. Anyway in home assessment arranged. She sees is as a conspiracy. You are right gingerroots it is not going to get better. At least I feel I am making moves now. Many thanks to all.

I'm so pleased you've taken some positive action.

Well done, and I'm glad that the GP understands the reality of the situation, as it's important to have them on the same page if at all possible. It's an awful position to be in, but in some ways you have to think of her as you would a small child - yes she may have a tantrum if you try to insist on what you think is best for her, but you still have to stand firm.

I feel for you and applaud your taking in your mother into your home for 4 years.

My mum has had dementia for about 6 years now. In the beginning (still at home) she became really difficult, I don't know how my dad put up with it. She was mean and ranting to him quite often.

Also really difficult as she woke up all the time at night and as my room was next door to hers when I was there I'd be up all over the night. Exhausting. Also emotionally draining.

She's in a home now and seems happy enough. Totally lost her marbles (tho she still knows who we are).
I go to visit her regularly, feeling guilty it's not often enough....(like today, supposed to go, have put if off till tomorrow....).

I never had the greatest relationship with her as a teenager/adult especially. She was very controlling.
But now she's like a sweet little old lady (91) who is happy to see me visit and always says "You're a good daughter". Wow! About time too

Wishing you all the best. It's time to get your family life back. You all deserve it.

Good to hear the GP was helpful. You are right-it WILL NOT get better. You deserve to be happy too-and your family.

Well done rufus - so glad you've taken action .

Is the home assesment for carers to come in and help and/or as part of assesment to go onti a home ?

General assesment of her needs/state of mental health etc. Its tomorrow and she is furious!

Her being furious must be hard for you rufus - sorry , that sounds patronising ,don't mean it to .

You'll be there will you ? or have opportunity to speak to whoever ( social services ? ) doing assesment ?

Hold your nerve ,you are doing correct thing for everyone ,including her .

Will be thinking of you .

Make sure if possible that you go in with her. My MiL with dementia will "lie" to the Dr and say she goes shopping, makes meals and does own clothes washing. None of it is true unfortunately. We and carers do all these things for her.

She hasn't realised that we had the gas cooker cut off when she attempted to boil an electric kettle on the gas hob. A few mins later she asked me why I was cleaning the bars of the cooker, there was melted plastic all over them!

quite pippop! - and why would people believe them ?

Good luck!hold your nerve!

We've learnt with my MiL that we have to get over her being cross with us. When we want her to do something that is good for her, but that she doesn't think is necessary (such as go to the dentist or go for a trip to the park), we just make her go.

Sadly I resort to (todler type) tactics such as saying, there's a nice sandwhich for you in the car but I can't remember what's it. Let's get in the car and you can tell me what it is. We also tell her that the dentist (or whatever) will be v cross that she hasn't come and make her pay double for the missed appointment. Anything really, to get her to comply. It's v sad though.

Hi - how are things?