Any advice about FIL please

[OTTMummA]

have posted on aibu, but wondering if i would get some more indepth advice or insight here,

FIL is 60, has a muscle wasting disease, has had heart attacks, has a pacemaker, falls badly 3-4 times a year, and has done so again today.

He will not use a mobile, he will not use his dla for help with the house, which means that me and dh are helping more and more often, i am expecting again, and have mobility problems aswell, but cook for him, clean and try to keep the garden sorted.
We are moving slightly farther away from fil soon, not so far away that we can't still come and help, but it will mean not as much and maybe not as long.

He is a capable man, but he is no doubt getting worse each year, he has had a fall today whilst out, he is still not bad enough for a wheelchair, and can not use a stick because of grip problems, he is also very stubborn.

He wants to stay in his house he has lived in for over 20 yrs, i understand, i feel awful for him, but this is not realistic in the state it is.
He hoards and never tidies away, and dispite me helping, i can not usually make a dent in the mess of the house, i just try and keep the bathroom, toilets and kitchen clean, change bedding etc, when i have thrown papers/mess out before he has been very upset and moody about it.
So now i just clean around it.

Because of my own health problems, and having a pre schooler to look after as well i have told dh that i will not be doing this anymore until i have had the baby and have recovered,, i have suggested that we help find fil a professional cleaner ( he has had one before ) and that he can come here for diinners if he wishes, more than welcome.
DH hasn't really said anything about my suggestion,, or about my suggestion to sit down and talk with fil about sorting his house out, he just seems to be avoiding it, i have brought this subject up again and again, since we decided to move, and now after today feel like we have no option to talk about it.

I am trying to be realistic, fil will not be able to live in the house for much longer unless some changes are made, ie, wet room, stairlift, electronic bed, garden made low maintenence, i have made suggestions to fil aswell, all met with resistance and stubborness.
How on earth am i supposed to make movement on this, dh knows this all needs to happen, so does fil, although he has spoken about sheltered accomodation in the past, knowing him he won't acutally do it, apply, he just mentions it if we haven't seen him for a couple of days, i understand he feels vunerable, but there is only so much we can do, and i feel like he is trying to guilt us into not moving, even though we won't be much farther away.

I want fil to be happy in his home, i know he wants to stay in it for as long as possible, so why won't he listen to subtle hints, or suggestions?
And how do i make dh wake up and realise that we need to sort this now, when positive changes can still make a difference to life quality?

You need more than subtle hints and suggestions- tell him straight. Age Concern are very good with advice, they have offices in most towns, go in for a chat.

Agreed - I would find out what help is available and then arrange it - or get your DH to arrange it. You sound like you've got more than enough on your plate and can do without fetching, carrying and cleaning for someone who receives benefits to allow him to pay for home help. If you just stop doing what you're doing now I suspect your DH and FIL will soon figure out that changes need to be made and, hopefully, once those things have been put in place you won't feel guilty for stepping back.

And to answer you last question, you need to sit your DH down and talk about this calmly and come up with a plan. He is probably in denial about how frail his DF has become - it must be a horrible thing to have to face - but if FIL is to stay in his home and not end up in a nursing home then face it he must.

When I said 'tell him straight' - you can still do it nicely but he has to know that you can't cope and other solutions will have to be found.

Can you speak to FIL's GP? They'd be able to tell you what support services are available, whether there's a carer's advocacy group in your area.

You can speak, or see his GP to express concerns like these. hope you get sorted

We started off MIL having care by getting her GP to call her in and saying that he wanted her to have person round to give her her medication as it was so complicated. Now she has carers round twice a day, cleaner, gardener etc.

She still doesn't think she needs any of it. Carer twice a day means that if she falls the time on the floor would be reasonably minimal. She has a "keysafe" on the front of her house (small safe with code which contains her keys) which carer can use if door is not answered within a minute or two to gain access to house. It's v reassuring for us.

You can ask GP for a home visit for FIL as it's difficult for him to get there. Hopefully GP will comply although they will not talk to you about FIL.

I suggest you write a letter to your FIL's GP setting out your concerns and asking GP's advice and asking for a home visit so that GP can assess your FIL's health needs.

Thank you for all the advice, I had a discussion with DH, a calm one, but highlighted all the benefits of a positive outcome for fil if we only get him half the help he needs, I felt like I was laying the worst outcome on pretty thick, but it's only the reality of the situation. We are going to write a letter to his consultant at john Radcliffe, and there is an age concern in town, so I'm popping in there tomorrow. I just hope that we can get fil on side aswell, otherwise I think I will just have to stop helping him out altogether, I can't watch him get worse and worse without some professional support.

Where i live we have a company called care line. They provide a intercom from ur fil home to them and a buzzer that he would wear, so if he was to fall he can buzz them and they will send help ie ambulance or you. Not sure if any wear else has this but in sure they will be something.

www.callalert.co.uk/

there are other providers. It's a great system...if they'll wear the bloody thing. My grandma spent four hours lying on the floor because her alarm thing lives on a hook by the front door instead of round her neck. She's ok, but the alarm thingie is still on it's hook - I presume she thinks she'll only fall next to the front door in future...

call alert