MIL and wine...

[rara67]

It's a long story so will try and be brief. MIL and FIL split up over 30 years ago but after birth of our DS1 9 yrs ago became quite close (outings and functions and theatre trips together) as they had known each other over 50 yrs and both on their own. FIL died nearly 2 years ago.

To outsiders MIL is not a widow but she is still very upset and feels a lot of guilt (FIL, very smart man but house a real hovel and he didnt throw anything away...you've seen the TV progs). MIL has a few medical problems and takes medication. She also drinks, a lot, but doesnt eat or drink more than a couple of cups of water or coffee per day.

DH is only child. MIL lives 50 miles away and we have 2 young DS. How or rather who can make her understand that her medication wont work if she wipes it out with 3-4 glasses of wine each night? She is on anti depressants which I know would help if they weren't being overwritten by the wine. DH is losing patience, he's spoken to her GP and goes to as many hospital appointments with her as he can (he's currently doing 11hours in the office and 4 hours travelling each day). I am in contact with her close friends (behind her back) because we are all so worried about her. I respect her choice to drink but just feel her quality of life would be better if she gave the tablets a chance. I really dont want to upset her, she's 78 and I have known her 25 years. I feel like ringing her GP (again) and getting him to tell her to start cutting down. I feel so sorry for anyone who has an addict in the family. If it was a younger person maybe it would be easier to even broach the subject. I have spoken to an alcohol group and they say this is a growing area of concern ie retired people drinking too much. Thanks for reading.

To be honest I am not sure there is much you can do - she is a grown woman, she obviously knows the risks but her quality of life is her choice, perhaps she enjoys her glasses of wine more than the perceived benefit of 'possibly' feeling better. I am not being flippant but this is the issue with all 'addicts' - not saying that your MIL is an addict, but you have to want to stop yourself, not just because someone else tells you to.

Is 3-4 glasses really that much (it's what I drink most some days ).

Do you invite her to stay and provide her with nice, wholesome meals?

Shes 78 , let her enjoy life as she sees fit. 3-4 glasses of wine isnt an excessive amount.
Shes at an age where enjoying life should be paramount, id hate to think at that age i cant enjoy anything.
We all die of something in the end and 3-4 glasses of wine isnt going to kill her.
The more you tell someone what to do the more they rebel even in old age, maybe if you asked her to cut down by one glass instead of calling the gp which will only upset her

Sorry if you already mentioned this and I?ve just missed it completely but have you actually spoken with your MIL about your concerns? I note you?ve been in touch with neighbours, her GP etc but just not sure if / how the subject has been broached with her personally.

I have to say when DH and I are 78 we intend to be stoned most days

I think it's up to her what she drinks. It doesn't sound like loads anyway. She is a grown up.

It would really hack me off if my adult dcs went to my GP behind my back. If you do call her GP, please at least tell her you're going to do that.

In terms of her eating, could you order some ready meals from a supermarket to be delivered to her house? Or next time you visit, take up lots of individual home made meals in freezer pots for her?

Just lost a long reply so will try and be brief. Thanks ladies all valid points. She drinks approx 3 times the recommended amount a day, add the medication and then if she drives the next day...she's rarely up before 10am, later if she's here and some days doesnt get dressed.

I think the problem or part of it is that she is on her own. If she had a partner then I am sure she wouldnt be in this state. Having said that my DM was widowed at 41 then remarried and divorced at 55 but doesnt drink to excess every night. If she's here we can slow the refills down.

We are planning to clear her freezer (the fride we did last time and it contained stuff that was older than DS2 who's nearly 4) so that will make space for some proper food although she was sick at the table last time she was here.

She knows DH phoned the doctor as he inadvertently made reference to DH at her last appointment (she told us, smiled and nothing more was said). I think I might write to her GP and then DH can think about what we really want to say. The bottom line is that I dont want to drive there one weekend and find that it's too late. Thanks again

You do sound lovely and caring but many older people are quite happy to have 'ancient' food in their freezer - my parents are in their 80s and are quite pleased with themselves when they tell me they eat pheasant or something that's been in the frezer for 10 years . It is usually younger people who are obsessed with 'use by dates' etc. My parents quite cheerfully cut the mould off their bread and cheese.

I?m tempted to suggest you go easy on her and lay off. I understand your husband?s frustration but losing patience and badgering her isn?t going to help one bit.

She?s had a lot on over the years, has her own health problems and lives a distance away from family. 3-4 glasses of wine a day isn?t too bad at all to be honest. Her GP can?t make her cut down or stop drinking anyway and I think if he were to start bringing up the issue, she?ll really feel like the whole world is onto her about this and might not even see the doc as often as she should or be honest about her drinking and general health for fear it?ll mean further lectures.

If she isn?t aware you?ve liaised with friends / GP but later finds out everyone has been discussing her drinking habits and deciding what they think is best without her knowledge for a while, you may well turn a relatively minor problem into one that?s really worth the worry.

The drinking isn?t causing your MIL any major problems at the moment and doesn?t seem to be the cause of her health deteriorating further. She is prescribed and taking medication to help with depression and other health problems so that?s something less to worry about for now.

It?s good that you want to make sure she?s OK but think you and your husband run the risk of doing more harm than good at this rate.

Just keep an eye on things but be discreet and respectful.

Wow, when I am 78 anyone who criticises me for not being up by 10am will get extremely short shrift! That really is a worry too far OP. As for the drinking, I have had similar issues with my Mum, and it is very frustrating, but we couldn't do much other than remind her that we loved her and that we didn't like to see her harm herself like that. She had had a tough time, widowed twice in 10 years, and eventually came out of it herself, two years after her second husband died she found herself a good group of friends and the drink seemed to get less important. She's only mid sixties though, and still quite active. Can your MiL get out and about?