expected to do more

[CoffeeDog]

Hi All

Just after some advice really - mum is in her 70's and has quite a few health problems - she is convinced she is at deaths door, main problem is she 'thinks' she has the same condition as her older sister who needs 24hr O2 ... she dosn't.
She get's very upset with me as her older sister gets lots of help from her children- my aunt is 10yr older than my mum and her her 7 children early in life - mum had me and my sis at 43. My aunt is looked after by her 'children' who are all late 40's - late 50's have grown up children of their own most dont have a job so are availble if they need anything.

My sis works around 60hr week just to make rent and i have 3 children under 5. She cant accept that i cant go round everyday - my DT's nursery is just around the corner from her house so she thinks that i should drop ~DT's off then spend the 2 hours they are there at her house everyday - helping her clean the house - washing ironing etc...

I did try to pop in regually but she always needed urgent med's collect from GP then chemist / or urgent shopping etc, and i just didnt get anytime to do my own housework, or any time alone without my DC to meet friends etc. I have said i can pop in for 1/2 hour but she will usually start crying / unloading on me and i end up there for 2 -3 hours. When i have to leave to collect DT's she often sayd she feels better but i feel really low and tired its really draining then i have to come home collect other DD from school and have to cope with the DC all running around likes loon's all afternoon while all i want to do is curl up with a blanket.
She suffers from depression and has done for decades - I KNOW she is lonley, but she wont go out or see anybody. she often dosnt take her medication on time/right dosage or eat when she should, tbh i think she quite enjoys the drama (shes diabetic)

my dad is still working has 3years before he retires i just cant see myself doing this for another 3 years? I often get calls from him asking me to 'pop' in as well as my aunt's calling me and saying we think you should she your mum more she has said x y z....

Everyone thinks as i dont work i should be more involved with her care - alot is simple logistics - I canot take her out with me with the DC's as she is in a wheelchair as cant walk far and i cant hang on to 2 boistrous 3yr olds and push a wheelchair - she wont come to softplay etc - she wont come to my house and says she struggles with all the children at her house. She just wants me to sit in her house while she has a rant about the topic of the day / crys / discusses my brothers care (he is 36 with serve LD in residential care) Its all too much for me. if i dont see her for a couple of days she is on the phone 'in case somthing has happened to me?

I have suguested she gets in cleaners / helpers ect but she dosnt want strange people in her home. i just dont know where to go next?

That sounds really difficult. Sounds like she's really lonely and it's not necessarily that she needs you as a carer, more trying to make reasons for some company (not at all meant as a guilt trip on you as she shold also recognise your family responsibilities / need for your own life).

Could you work a few hours here and there in the week and plan them in as time for her - for chores / chat, etc. Would that work / would you want to? Presumably it gets even more tricky in the school hols?

Could you ask any of her/your friends or relatives to recommend a cleaner, so at least a trustable stranger?

oh op, I really feel for you

I don't think your mum sounds lonely.. just really needy and its falling to you at a time in your life when you're needing a bit of help yourself

I don't have any advice, maybe talk to your sister and speak to the relatives including your mum all together?

You poor thing.You MUST look after yourself-there are other people who really need you-the dc's!

There are agencies who could hrlp-age uk etc?maybe get her out once a week.but you have to set boundaries.

i feel for you.

I popped in yesterday after dropping the DT off at nursery - My sis was their she said mum had called her and asked her to make her breakfast and lunch (it was 12.30) Sis should hav been at work.

She spent ALL day in bed yesterday- i think this is how she wants things. She wont have 'people in' to help her.
I agreed to go in today to clean and tidy up - a reason my mum belives that she cant have a doctor round as the place is untidy? i was very firm that i will go and do what i think needs doing not sit down after making tea and listen to how everything is crap and she is off to top herself.... or dishwasher gate again!!!
(she asked me to load dishwasher then sat on a chair next to the dishwasher instructing me on where everything goes - even what 'slot' to put teaspoon in - all this obviousley after all items have been hand washed in the sink first.... )

Sounds really tough op. Really hard.

I do think you need to put your foot down and tell your mother that she needs to get/ accept help from outside the family.

You and your sister have so much on. I would have thought a once weekly visit to your mother to be ample. I mean your mother still had her husband.

Can you speak to her GP to be certain of her health condition and ascertain what she should be capable of doing for herself?

You have stuff to do. You cannot be spread too thin. You'll go mad and achieve nothing. I think this will get worse unless you set a strict routine now so that your mother's expectations are managed and so that you don't feel guilty and actually enjoy your weekly visits.

Still haS her husband I mean.

If she won't have people in to help her, why does that mean you have to pick up the slack all the time? It's her choice.

Why isn't your dad getting her breakfast and lunch ready and cleaning?

Maybe she could pay for you to have a cleaner once a week and you spend that time at hers?

She is being nasty and selfish. I suspect that if you were there each day/ cleaned house from top to bottom/ put your DCs in an orphanage she would still be demanding and 'needing' more.

It's up to you to develop a thick skin. Say sorry DM/ dear Rellies my DCs come first. I will call once a week on a X day for 2 or3 hours and that is it (which is more than enough in your current position).

She could be around for another 20 years easily. I think we all feel, when parents become poorly, that 'they won't be around for much longer', but that is definitely no longer the case. And threatening to top herself is pressing the guilt buttons. Perhaps you could assure her that when she is 84, like sis, your DCs will be older and you will have lots more time to help out .

OP, I read your posts and thought of my late mum. She was like your mum towards the end of her life, it was very rough on everyone to be honest. In the end I only went round out of duty as I couldn't deal with the emotional blackmail any more. Our relationship didn't improve until after she moved into a nursing home.

The only thing I can suggest is that you might set some limits on what you are prepared to do, and tell all involved. It's not reasonable to expect your adult children to be your carer/ cleaner, even if that's what she would like.

You're not responsible for your mother's loneliness, I'm afraid. She still has her DH and it's not fair for her to stop you living your own family life.

I expect someone will be along soon to tell me what a heartless cow I am, but your posts just describe a situation where you are being manipulated and bullied.

OLD THREAD ALERT

The thread was posted in April, and the OP hasn't been back since a couple of days after that. Not sure why Glaringstrumpet revived it?

Woops, sorry folks.
Had forgotten what a slow board this is.