Advice for me/my mum about myGrandad living with them ( control issues)

[HJMP]

My grandad had a stroke about 20 years ago, he is almost blind but was living independently (Mum visited daily & did cooking, cleaning etc) until last Nov.
He had passed out on the stairs and my mum took him to hospital where they treated for a chest infection and he came out of hospital better than he had been for a while. Although was now incontinent.

When he came out my parents asked him to stay with them over Christmas and while he got back on his feet. They got carers to help with the personal care stuff (at his request) and fixed the downstairs loo as the district nurses suggested that he may overcome the incontinence.

He has got increasingly more anxious since living there. He had a couple of v short trials home but it's now decided its not happening. He wants someone with him at all times and is nasty to my Mum if she goes out ( she says he was like this when she was younger). He refuses to go to bed until they are both in however tired he gets and even with carers/us sitting with him he sulks if they go out.

I'm limited to how I can help due to 3 children/job/dh shifts. We have no other family. The SW has provided funds for respite, my mum has joined the carers association.

I got a phone call yesterday from my Dad and my mum had been crying for 4 hours and couldn't stop. I'm taking her to the GP this am but don't know how else to help or what she can do.

Oh and there's only one living room so if they want to watch tv they go upstairs. We were all watching tv the other day (something he likes but we had joined him) and the tv went off part way through cos he didn't like it.

Bump

My experience is limited, but it sounds to me that getting him home should NOT be abandoned and the care package should be continuing to work towards this.

Your mother cannot give up her own life in this way and your granddad needs to be counselled to change his expectations about this.

Perhaps his options need to be talked through very clearly with him, and it may be that they are to go home with lots of support as before or to go into some sort of accommodation where he will be able to have someone on hand at all times - but it will not be your mother.

My grandma had a care package that enabled her to stay at home for her whole (very long) life. This was so important to her - she would have hated to be in a care home or even warden assisted accommodation.

Oh and, to add, she could be an awkward old bean but she did NOT expect to be moved into one of her children's homes and take over entirely. This is a wholly unreasonable expectation in the long term, regardless of age and incapacity, though it may work for some families.

Ask his Social Worker for a crisis meeting - perhaps attend with your parents to support them. Has dementia been considered? This may account for his anger and need to control others - but equally could just be what he's always been like. Discuss sheltered accommodation and care home options. Agree your mum mustn't sacrifice herself to him - her life is of equal value. My mum is having to be very direct with my aged grandma at the mo as to what can and can't be done for her outside of residential care. My friend's mum wasn't so direct with her own very elderly and incontinent mother then suddenly died of a stroke leaving the family devastated and grandma having to go into a home after all. I don't want to scare you - just pointing out that it is crucial to look after carers and recognize when they can't go on with it any longer.

Good grief. No-one has the right to bully anyone in their own home ( or anywhere else) - no matter how old they are, no matter what the relationship. Your mother's life is precious too.

If you can bear to, take over. Tell your grandfather this isn't working out, and he's going into a home. Tell him you are making the decision because he's treating your mother badly. And move quickly before he bullies her into saying it's ok.

Thank you people. I've started bossing my mum about. We've been to GP & got meds for her but GP said this is a short term solution as the cause remains.
The GP will speak to Gradads GP about a home visit & making him have meds too. The control stuff has always been there, we think things were worse than we realised for my Nanna :( :( :(
I've spoken to the duty SW who was v sympathetic but can't do a lot without someone saying he needs to go ina home. They will help look for respite & will talk to him if he won't accept it from my parents.
He won't acknowledged me being an adult. Possibly accept something from my Dad or Dh.

He's too infirm for sheltered accommodation we looked into it before he left hospital. Would have been ok if he had had the problems after moving in but not before.
Going home would be ok if he wasn't demanding someone with him all the time. Which leaves my Mums or a home. Apparently he got angry at the SW when she suggested respite in a home.

So bullying the SW as well then. If he's too infirm for sheltered accommodation then let's be honest, he's also too infirm for his own home.

It's something to do with the cooking & stuff & having lots of carers. Somehow ( no idea how ) he was still making bacon sandwiches when he was living on his own. Despite being almost blind & only using one arm. My mum used to cook everything else but he often managed that .

My grandmother had carers come to her sheltered housing. And meals on wheels.