My Mum

[Lemonylemon]

Gah, I've just typed a long post and lost it.

My Mum has chronic liver disease. She's been very poorly and hospitalised 3 times since the beginning of June last year. Her stays have been 2 weeks or longer. She's currently at home, having been discharged on Monday. She's not eligible for a care package because she can use the loo and wash herself. Apart from that, she can't really do anything.

My brother, sister and I are her carers in that I pop up there every couple of days or so and make sure that she's got food, bring stuff in for her etc. and help her with her laundry, my brother pops in sometimes as well. She has a cleaner.

After the roller coaster of her last hospital stay and her not getting any better, I spoke to her (and my) GP and he has given a ballpark time frame of 6 months to live. We won't be telling Mum. We've decided to try to make the last few months of her life as comfortable and scare-free as possible.

My DS's paternal grandfather is also ill in hospital. My DS (14) is in bits. My DD (4) has asked who is going to look after her when I die. I just needed to get this down and "out there" to give myself some more headspace and help my children have a bit of normality over the coming months.....

Hi Lemon

First of all, I'm so sorry to hear this news. I know it hurts.

If you feel she needs a care package, you will need to be a lot more forceful and persistent. There are ways, if you want it and she wants it. She is clearly going to become less able and you need to be prepared for that.

Your children are having to come to terms with mortality, as are you. I experienced this with my father and DS last year and I understand how awful and complex it can be.

Things will be tough on you all. You can be honest with DS as well as supportive. With DD you can kind of "gloss over" certain aspects. She just needs reassurance and much less detail than DS.

I'm sure you will be able to deal with all this when you've had time to think it through. It's a shit situation and I wish I could give you some magic answers.

I think you've done the right thing in not telling your Mum the situation. It could change, but for now it seems right.

I am really feeling for you and I'm sure you will get through this.

xxx

I'm sorry to hear about your Mum's illness. We lost our mum a few years back. Having not had the best of relationships with her over the years, I cherished those last few months as those were the ones where I finally put everything aside and just spent time with her, just for the sake of it.

I'm not saying this is your situation - but I do think that these months could be precious.

One thing which helped me and my sister cope was a visting rota - we made sure Mum had someone visit every day, but that we both felt like we were having some balance in our own lives too.

Thank you both. The visiting rota sounds a good idea. I think I'm the only one who either visits or rings my mum every day. But then, we take it in turns to back off for a couple of weeks to gather our strength for the next phase......

My sister has backed miles off. Her and my mum were very close as my sister was mum's favourite. I've always had a fairly troubled relationship with my mum. My brother is just, well, as he always is....

Yep, same here - don't get me wrong, my brother was really good with Mum, but still got off quite lightly once she was ill, IMO....

Since my initial post above, we've found out that DS's grandad has cancer.

My brother, sister and I had a conference with my Mum's GP who has confirmed the 6 month ball park figure "notwithstanding any catastrophies" in his words.

Mum has now had two falls in 3 days. If I didn't keep to my usual ringing her every morning and raising the alarm when I couldn't get her on the phone, she'd still be lying on the floor more than 24 hours later......

AND she has one of those panic buttons... but doesn't use it.....

You poor thing! I really feel for you.What about getting a hospice involved?Can the GP make a referral? Many of them offer excellent day care/respite etc which can really help all the family.Often Gp's don't know too much about them. Hospices are about living fully-and often offer counselling too.
Good luck-keep coming back here.