My parents live in Scotland, I am in South East English, my dad has been diagnosed with a tumour on his kidney and I am in turmoil.

[Fimbo]

The mri scan is tomorrow which will tell us more. He is now in quite a lot of pain in his back. His ankles are swollen up and tablets are doing nothing to take the water retention away. From what I can gather his doc wanted him admitted to hospital yesterday but to the assessment ward. Now my dad being the stubborn old fool that he is, will not go because it is an assessment ward. I think he thinks it will be full of drunks and druggies. My mother says she would be better looking after him at home.

He is taking half an hour at a time to get up their stairs to his bed. The house only has one toilet/bathroom which is downstairs.

The doc is doing a home visit again today. I sincerely hope that he does get admitted as I really think it is for the best and perhaps they will be able to give him the right drugs etc to control the pain until his mri tomorrow and they find out what treatment is required.

My difficulty is the distance that I am from them and being an only child. It's not just as easy to drop everything and run up there as much as I want to. My dh's job is not that flexible and I have a teenager and 8yr old, who are both still pretty reliant on me. Also its the costs.

I really just need someone to come and talk to me at the moment please.

England not English.

Don't panic, at least not yet. My dad was diagnosed with kidney cancer 5 years ago, it has been rough at times, surgery and so on, but he is still here and actually still working at his own business. I would recommend he goes into hospital, it is not that nice to be in hospital but it gives them a chance to sort out all of his drugs and treatment, better to go now than to end up being admitted through casualty. There are some really good drugs now that can help a lot. My advice, overall, take things one day at a time and only deal with the facts and nothing else. If your mum is looking after him, you look after her, I know this is hard when you are far away but you can email/phone/text a lot just so she knows you are available to her. The one thing I did say to my mum (it was a Scotland/London thing too) was if you every really need me - I will come.
Also, should you need advice I can recommend Rarer Cancers Forum, they helped by dad a lot with issues around getting the right treatment.
I hope this helps a little bit.

You poor thing :( I don't have much knowledge of cancer but could your dad sleep downstairs while he's in so much pain?

I think also in times when family members are ill, the whole family needs to pull together. So your 8YO may have to go to afterschool club, your DH might have to ask for a bit more flexibility and your teenager may have to start doing a bit more round the house. Your family need to support you so that you can support your parents

Thanks both. Chubbleigh that you for that information, will have a look on the forum, thanks so much. I am going up for the Easter holidays and obviously if things got worse then I would go immediately but it is just so damn difficult and I do phone every day. Thank you.

Hi - have been in a similar position. used to live in the S.E while parents were in Scotland and now back in Scotland while in-laws in S.E.

On a practical level can I suggest you look at using the overnight sleeper service to travel. Scotrail do "Bargain berths" so you can sometimes get a sleeper for £19 one way - cheapest prices are for booking in advance but even at short notice it can work out cheaper than flying and can be less stressful.

Would also recommend speaking to the Macmillan helpline and having a look at their website. They offer lots of practical advice for cancer sufferers and the helpline is very supportive.

It is hard when you are at a distance but you will get support on here. Also although it may seem hard as an only child siblings are not always helpful or supportive. Thinking of you.

agree with readsalotgirl

where are your parents op, maybe someone here could give more specific advice if we knew where your parents are?

keep posting!

Thank you both. My parents are in Dundee. I am waiting now for a phonecall from my mum, she reckons the district nurse is coming in today. She is hoping that she may get some help with helping to get my dad washed and things. Thankfully they have walk in shower, as the main problem at the moment is mobility.

Currently they are trying different strengths of morphine tablets to help easy the pain my dad has, which his doctor reckons is coming from the kidney. We are still waiting the results of the MRI which he has done on Wednesday.

He is now confined to the bedroom with a commode as my mum is finding it difficult to get him up and down the stairs. My cousins are helping along with my auntie and the neighbours so they do have some support there. Hopefully all presciptions will now be done on-line and Boots will deliver them straight to them at home.

Sorry this is all a bit of a jumbled ramble really.

Hello friend - just to say I'm thinking of you. xx

hi fimbo, hope the nurse was helpful and started to put some care into place

its so hard, I know

Thanks KB.

SSD- My mum had a bit of a melt down yesterday, but in a way it kind of helped. They now have carers coming in to get him up and put him to bed at night, also to give him bed baths and shave him etc. I am not quite sure really whether he is going to be up to going to the hospital appointment on Friday his own doctor is coming in today to make that assessment. We are taking the dc out of school Friday and going up Thursday night, so we can be with my mum for the results.

The district nurses are also arranging for a hospital bed to be brought to their home. They say my parents will get more care and help if he is at home rather than being in hospital. My cousin went over last night and dismantled a bed in their spare room to make way for the hospital bed as they are not sure exactly when it is coming.

But apparently the district nurses think he has gone downhill quite rapidly since they last saw him on Saturday. My mum is obviously beside herself fearing the worse. He can barely talk and most of it is just a jumble when he does, I guess that could be due to the morphine though. It has just been so rapid, he was in perfect health until only 4 weeks ago and was super fit, he actually probably put me to shame.

I have cried lots, but now is the time to start getting the practicals in place for when I have to leave them again.

well it sounds like the care is starting to fall into place, I really hope it works out for you all!

ssd x

I know only too well how hard it is, but the care package seems to be sorting itself out. Be strong when you are up there, thinking of you xxxxx

Just coming back to this to let you all know that my dad died on 15th April, it was metases renal cell carcinoma. It had started in his kidney and spread rapidly to his liver, lungs, abdomen, veins and bones. He was in so much pain towards the end, so at least he is at peace now. I am now home, but my mum is insisting on staying up there for the time being.

Fimbo, I am so sorry to hear that. The speed must have been a terrible shock for you and your mum.

I started reading this, and having been in a very similar situation (mum in Dundee, me in London, very sudden diagnosis 2 years ago) was reading through the posts, full of hope that I could reassure you about the brilliant teams in Ninewells, and Roxeburgh House. I am so sorry I didn't see this before.

I'm not sure if your Dad ever stayed at Roxeburgh, or if it all happened too quickly, but the bereavement counsellors there are exceptionally lovely, and obviously well used to similar situations. I hope your mum, and you get all the support you need.

Take care of yourself.

So sorry Fimbo. Your Mum may surprise you. What age is she and how is her health? Does she have other relatives and friends up there?

Tumble, yes he spent 2 weeks in Roxburghe House before he died. The staff there were wonderful. It was 6 weeks total from diagnosis to death. I got home last Saturday and then got a call at 4am in the morning to say he had died so had to get a train back up again. The funeral was Thursday past. It has just all been so sudden and so quick. The realisation that he is not around is slowly beginning to sink in.

Chopchop-My mum will be 79 in May, I took her to the doc for something to get her through the funeral, she was given diazepam and thankfully her doc did tell me she is fit and healthy. She has her sister and my cousins up there and quite a bunch of friends, so I am hoping she will be okay. I have been looking into flights from here to Edinburgh and trains and even booking in advance it is all very costly. I am not sure how often I am actually going to be able to get back to visit here either .

Fimbo, I am so sorry to hear about your dad, take care of yourself, it has all happened so quick so it will still be such a shock for you xxx

(I have namechanged several times but we used to chat years ago and you once sent me some brownie uniforms )

How about coach? Likely to be the cheapest - albeit not the most comfy. I always drive. Again not cheap. Costs about £150 in petrol for me at the moment. But I need a car when I'm there anyway, so saves me the cost of hiring.
I'm glad she has relatives and friends. She will need some company. Is she able to travel and visit you?

OMG Weirdscience!!!!!!!!! How the devil are you?????

I can't drive (stupid I know). Coach takes over 24 hours weirdly as you need to go via London then Edinburgh. Part of the problem is where I live, Norfolk is such a gorgeous beautiful place, but it really is out on a limb a million miles away from decent motorways and nothing comes here direct at all. She could come visit me, but my dad mollycoddled her loads over the years and took care of everything, you know changing platforms and things for a train would be beyond her and I would be scared of her missing her flight at a busy airport as she is just so unaware of what is happening around her. It's such a worry.

There are some good systems in place to help people like your Mum, at airports and at mainline stations.

For airports, you need to book wheelchair assist. After checking in your Mum will be asked to wait at a specific place, and someone will come and get her, take her through security, all the way to the correct gate and even on to the plane. There are direct flights to Norwich at least twice a day from both Edinburgh and Aberdeen. The ones at Edinburgh are usually excellent (my elderly mother with wanderlust uses them regularly)

With rail journeys, you can also book assistance with changes at mainline stations. You need to do it through East Coast Rail, and she would probably need to change at Peterborough.

She doesn't need a wheelchair though and would be horrified at the suggestion of one. It's hard to explain, she just doesn't pay attention to things and then gets in a flap, my dad took care of everything for her. The East Coast mainline train service has now changed a bit. You need to do Norwich-Peterborough-Waverley-Dundee or as I did last weekend, Norwich-Peterborough-York-Dundee. I don't think flybe do the Aberdeen flights anymore just the Edinburgh ones. I guess if we don't try we will never know, actually being on her own might be a good thing, she's not dottery in a sense, just never had to do anything/think for herself/check things out, perhaps actually it may be good for her to take a bit of responsibility for herself. Thanks

It's really hard isn't it. I don't think you have to ask for a wheelchair to get assistance at the airport. They just use those little car type things. Long time since I've arranged that so not 100%. But it sounds like it's a bit down the line before your Mum's ready for a trip.
Take care. Hope things go as well as they can for you both.

i don't think my Mum really needs the wheelchair to be honest - but she is prepared to put up with it if it gives her a clear run through Edinburgh airport!

I'm sorry - I hadn't realised that the direct flight to Aberdeen had finished - although you can get there with a change in Manchester (I must admit I wouldn't go that way, though!).

The train route sounds awkward, but it should still be possible to get help at each stage if she really wants to do the trip. Could someone drop her off and meet her at Waverley to cut out one change? Flying would probably be cheaper, though!

I do very much sympathise - my Mum has actually moved from Suffolk to Stirling to be a bit closer to us last year. I was the only 'local' daughter as my sisters live in the US and Australia. My Dad died at New Year, after a very long illness and Mum is a bit lost at the moment, but relishing the chance to go and see both my sisters, after having been tied to the house for so long for Dad's sake.

Thank you everyone for you kind words.

I am good thanks, Fimbo, far more of an occasional lurker, I will admit to reading the OP and thinking a teenager and an 8 years old surely she only has a 9 year old and a toddler

Sorry I have no advice to give you really, I was going to suggest coach as an alternative, perhaps more direct route, but I see you have said up-thread that is even longer. Hopefully your mum will surprise you, but I know how much of a worry it must be for you, I am also an only child and my mum is on her own and not in great health, so it does feel like an added responsibility (although we live in the same city) so I can sympathise. xx