Help with communicating with my Mum.

[LizziePizzie]

I need help. I think my mother is suffering from old age related behavioural problems and is making my life increasingly difficult. She is 71, I am 36 and my DD is 21 months old. Ever since my DD's birth she has been overly protective, precious and obsessed. She battles constantly with me about how I should be a mother, criticises me, and worse, undermines me or goes against something I have specifically told her to do/not do.

For the first 6 months I coped, for the next year I have constantly tried to tell her the error of her ways, told her to back off, sat down and had calm 'chats' about why I do what I do the way I do it, justifying my judgement calls. For the last couple of months it is becoming increasingly more difficult to be around her. She is getting verbally aggressive and nasty towards me now.

I just don?t know what to do now. I don?t know the skills to ?not let it get to me? and not to ?take it personally? when she criticises me. I try not to rise to it, and remain calm, but I think that infuriates her more.

I can?t speak to her rationally and get her to listen to my side. Even we do come to a truce, it lasts for a couple of house into the next meeting before she explodes at me for something or other.

HELP! :(

You really do have to just do the 'smile and wave' approach - you let her say it, but are mentally caressing Johnny Depp (or whatever brings a serene smile to your face) while you ignore it. Don't put yourself in the situation of being held to what she wants to do, and manage the situation so you control what you tell her or do.

My mums dementia started with the aggressive personality change - so she hasn't been alone with ds since that started (at all), I don't tell her things that will annoy/distress her, and we go and see them for short periods and plan what to do to reduce the stress levels.

It sounds awful written down, but over the last 5 years, its been the only way I could manage to keep talking to her without going mad