Thanks for the thread

[readsalotgirl]

Hi all been lurking and not posting last few weeks.

I just wanted to say a huge thank you to ssd and the others who go this thread going. It has been an enormous help and support to me over the last year as I have struggled to deal with the reality of my mother's decline. I stumbled across the thread - I can't remember now how I found it but I am so glad that I did.

I managed to persuade mum to move closer to me and then the real hard work started as I discovered just how badly she had neglected her health. The move was a positive experience as she really enjoyed the company and social activities in the sheltered housing complex.

Sadly my beloved mum passed away 4 weeks ago.I am comforted enormously that it was quick and very peaceful. I feel guilty that I didn't move her sooner and that not long before she died I thought that if I had to go on "popping in and doing shopping, taking her to the doctors etc for the next 10 years it would be really hard. I have no regrets about almost bullying her into moving as her last few months were better and she was happier than she'd been for a couple of years.

This thread did keep me sane. The advice and support were invaluable and just knowing that others were having similar experiences and would understand when I needed to vent - I can't put a price on that.

To all of you who have been doing this for years - I am in awe of you. To those of you at the beginning of this journey - take care of yourselves, don't be afraid to be a bit selfish because it is easy to allow yourself to be consumed by caring for an elderly relative and never forget that advice and support are here for the asking.

I'll continue to lurk in the hope I can extend a helping hand in the future but in the meantime thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart.

So sad to hear that your mum has died.
I agree that this forum is great, dad moved into our road last year and his health is failing rapidly but he keeps saying he is so glad he moved

I only discovered this topic yesterday, and want to thank those who got it started. I haven't posted yet about my mother, (still at the ranting, tearing my hair out, stage of dealing with her!), but just reading some of the threads was very comforting.

Often I find that people who have young or well parents say or post things like "oh treasure your mother, I would do anything for mine, she won't always be around", don't actually have a clue what it is like to have the person you always looked up to turning into a child with tantrums and unreasonable behaviour, and refusing all help offered while crying that no one will help.

Reading some stories here in the past day have made me feel less alone, and a bit stronger. And it's nice to know it is here if needed.

oh girls I'm so very glad this topic is/has helped us all

and readsalotgirl, I'm so sorry. I understand what you're saying about your mum and how you feel/felt. I'm so glad your mum went peacefully, sometimes I really hope for my mums sake she goes in her sleep, I know the shock would be awful and sometimes when the phone goes at odd hours I steel myself expecting this, but all I want is for her not to suffer, and I'm so glad your mum didn't.

you sound a wonderful daughter, I bet your mum just adored you. I know too well how hard it all is, you really sound like you did all you could for your mum, it sounds to me like there is no reason for you to feel guilty for anything, you did all you could and I bet your mum knew it too.

I don't know if you're religious, I'm not, but when my dad died I felt a bit better feeling that he's out there somewhere watching over me, I hope you still feel you have your mum watching over you, maybe in the role of mum, (which like me, I don't think you've had for a long time, but like the mum she was when you were small. I hope I haven't upset you writing that, but thats how I want to remember my mum when her time comes, as the mum I have in my head, strong and capable, like she was....).

I hope you keep posting, your advice certainly helped me, I know it'll help others too. ssd xx

how are you coping readsalotgirl?

hoping you're ok

ssd xx

Hi all. Thanks ssd - both posts much appreciated and no you haven't upset me at all. I don't think I was really ever very close to mum - she was very self-contained. I think part of my sadness now is regret that we didn't have a friendship like other mothers and daughters have.

I know mum was grateful and appreciated all I (and my dh) did - she told me so often so I never felt unvalued but I don't think I ever really came to terms with the way our roles reversed. Like yours ssd my mum was very capable, down to earth and strong - she used to be quite fiery even so it was hard to see her becoming forgetful, frail and just not as able to cope with everyday stuff. If I'm honest I miss the person she used to be and I was hoping when we moved her that we'd get some of that back - just didn't get long enough. I don't have any real regrets tho - I know I was hard on her at times but I think she'd have admitted she'd have been the same if it had been the other way round - and she never let us take the easy way out as kids.

I am comforted by knowing that after I'd left her she spoke to my dh on my mobile phone. I'd left it with her so she could call me if she needed. Dh called the phone and got no answer then mum phoned him back - very chuffed with herself that she'd figured out how to return the call - so our last memories are happy ones.

Just sorting out the paperwork now !!!

yup, I know what you mean about your mum

I hoped when we moved my mum she'd get a bit of life back again, but really she's just the same, its like her light's gone out and she's just living day to day. I think she's just all tuckered out. As you say, not easy to accept and live with.

Glad your last memory is a happy one! x