P**d off with housing managers comment - need advice

[readsalotgirl]

I'm not sure what to do about this so need advice. Mum is in sheltered housing been there since October. Has taken a while to settle but is generally happy and enjoying her new life - loves the company and social aspect of it.

However she has various health issues including a serious incontinence problem which I suspect is down to a 3rd degree prolapse. Anyway there is frequent bed wetting and she uses disposable pads on the bed and under the commode but there is a smell and it is noticeable in the communal hallway just outside her front door )It is a block of flats). The manager of the block lives in the flat next to mum.

I visited this evening and mum said that the manager had made some comment about her putting the pads in the outside bins regularly. When mum said she would remember to take them out to the bin the manager said " oh no you can't do that, can't your daughter come down every day". Mum said no as I work.

The more I think about it the more angry I am - mum is quite capable of going out to the bin and she does not want me to visit every day. Also if I did it would make her feel even more dependent on me when the idea was to help her retain her independence. Nor is it this woman's business what I do with my time nor how often I want to visit my mother

What should I say to this manager ? Should I complain to her boss. Sorry this is long - needed to vent !!!

Oh dear ,tricky .
I would chat to the manager ,keep it friendly ( you want her on your side ) at this stage ,but keep a track of her replies and complain later if she genuinely is being unhelpful .( My mum has a tendency to missreport conversations but she's so convincing that I've only recently come to realise that I can't rely on her version .)
I don't know what she's contracted to do - it might not be very much but I'd talk through the situation ,ask for advice on how to manage your mums incontinence . Put the ball in her court a bit .

But if there's a smell ,somethings not working and your poor mum runs the risk of her neighbours ostracising her . ( my experience is that communities of elderly people are not tolerant of such signs of ageing ,it worries them ,they don't want to be reminded that it could be them )

Has your mum got proper pads that are adequate for the job ?
Areas vary but in our area the District Nursing team assess and precribe so that pads are delivered and a "clinical waste " collection arranged .
Ask the manager ( she ought to be able to advise ) or start with the GP .
( and get a urine sample so that they can check whether your mum has an infection which would make her wee smell stronger )

Does she use a commode because she can't get to the loo in time ?
Is she able to empty it ,could she be spilling some if she finds this difficult ?
Has she got a mat underneath it because she " misses " ?
I don't quite know how to put this without sounding un caring ,but I'm trying to think why she needs the commode and how she manages emptying ,washing it ,bending down to change mat from underneath it and all that .

I suppose what I'm saying is you need to track down the source of the smell and come up with a soloution that works for your mum .
Could she be leaking onto a chair ?
Could she be putting her pants on the radiator to dry after a little accident ?
( really sorry if that is the last thing your mum would do ,but I've seen it so often ).

Is there any chance that she would agree to having the cause of the incontinence checked ? The surgery these days can be very minimal and effective ?

Do hope you can get it sorted . The manager doesn't sound very helpful but if a complaint is justified then you really need lots of concrete ,first hand evidence . So my advice would be to find out more before you go down this route and in the meantime try and help your mum get sorted so that there's no smell .

I'd be annoyed too, but i'd also want to resolve the problem. Is it a prolapse? Has she been seen by a specialist for it?

I think you should try to imagine how this conversation went - even the most experienced housing manager may have difficulties bringing up urine smells with clients.

So the manager (wincing) brings it up, your mum listens and says she will get to the bin every day, the manager (overcompensating because the conversation is difficult and embarassing) - says "Oh cant someone else do it, I appreciate that's difficult for you" - all the while thinking 'phew, glad she heard me say that we need to tackle the smell'.

It's NOT you, it's really unlikely anyone is casting aspersions on your care - it's more likely someone is trying to walk a fine line when they discuss dependancy with your mum and the issues around that.

Yes ,Laurie puts it much better than me !

Maybe a special bin double lined with liners , something like an air freshner in the bottom ,and a good fitting lid that the OP could empty twice /once a week might help ?
And try not to be embarrased ,it's just a practical problem that needs practical soloutions .

Thanks for all the replies - I'm feeling calmer now. I was annoyed last night because mum was upset.

To answer queries - Mum has a 3rd degree prolapse and has just (today) had a ring pessary fitted which I'm hopeful will solve the problem. She was not going to the loo all day and then bed wetting at night.

The commode was offered and accepted to help with going in the night because sometimes she knew she needed to go but couldn't get there in time. She also uses absorbent pads on the bed and under the commode which she can put in a plastic bag and in the bin. However I have had to speak to her about doing this promptly ie first thing in the morning. I suspect that she struggles a bit with the one on the floor but she is coping with emptying the commode.

The suggestion re the bin is a good one - I will get one with a better fitting lid.

Mum does also use pads in her pants but she does change these regularly and I make sure she changes her trousers frequently.

I think I was more annoyed at mum being told she couldn't manage out to the bin when actually she does need to do a bit more exercise' it would help her get her bearings in new surroundings and boost her confidence a little. Just felt the manager could have been more encouraging.

The managers (there are 2) have been aware of mums continence issue since she moved in because I was very truthful about it - and that I've been trying to get it resolved. I do think Laurie is right - it is an awkward one to bring up so I suspect her scenario is pretty close.

Mum does also have a UTI - discovered today when at the hospital for the gynae appointment. Have to say I really have seen it all now and am just hoping I can get the pictures out of my head !! .

Thanks again ladies - and I'm off now to buy some pelvic weights - keep doing the exercises !