Help please - my mil - causing arguments between dh and me...

[PiedWagtail]

I posted on here in early Dec. re my MIL. She can't cope - she lives with her elder son aged 60. she's 86. she doesn't wash. Doesn't brush her teeth, change her clothes etc. She stinks :(

I wrote a letter to her GP before Christmas to ask the GP to visit her at home and see what he thought. Emailed it to my dh for approval before sending. But he has gone mad at me. Says he doesn't want to send it - I have been rude and he wants to 'tone it down a bit'. I said 'she doesn't brush her teeth' he says he wants to tone it down. How is that rude?? It's a fact! He just gets angry and shouts at me when I mention it.

I KNOW it's his mum and he feels conflicted about it but doesn't he feel an obligation to say something for his family's sake too (ie ours)? I gag when I have to spend any time with MIL. Yuk. Plus, it can't be healthy for her.

Am I wrong?? How can I get him to change his mind?? Or should I wash my hands of it and leave it to him (to do nothing)???

I'd send the letter anyway

it sounds like MIL does need some extra help and both her sons have their heads in the sand

phone her local council for a social work assessment too

Is she eating well and does she have a safe environment in terms of fall prevention etc.? I think if it's just the hygiene thing I'd leave it. Yes, it's worrying and unpleasant (my MIL is similar), but unless she wants to do something about it docs or social services are not going to intervene. Have you tried talking to the other son? I think that would be the best starting point.

I agree with diplodocus that GP/SS unlikely to be able to help - although I suppose if it were acknowleged that she were depressed ( if someone younger was neglecting themselves like this you would think depression ) and she was ammenable to treatment ( and not on loads of other meds ) the GP might .

With regard to DH ,as you've guessed he's probably being defensive ,feeling guilty .
Could you maybe try and approach it from a very pragmatic pov ,
tackle the teeth - does she need visit to dentist ,would sonic toothbrush help ( takes getting used to but are fab and need no pressure or physical strength ) ,mouthwash if toothbrushing too much effort ( the non alchol based Corodsyl is good ,or the clove type one to get her used to idea )
Has she got dentures - is there a problem with them ?

Are there any impediments to her washing that could be sorted - bathroom too cold , no shower ,access too difficult for her ?

Is there anything that could be done to lift her mood ?
Any outings ,lunch clubs ,hobbies /interests that could be rekindled ?

I think if you try and wash your hands of it you and DH will feel even worse .
Try and keep talking to DH ,tell him you'll tackle it together .