When will I know it is time to consider a care home?

[mungojenny]

My mum is 88 and very frail but lives in her own home, she has an attendance allowance and we are using that for extra care and support in her home at the moment as DH and I live 60 miles away.
She is lucky as she has lots of friends and neighbours but she does seems to be failing a bit more and is becoming confused sometimes (although not all the time).
However I am unsure what to do for 'the best' and I am not even sure what that is ! How do I decide at what point to consider a care home and how do we fund it ? It is something that I know nothing about and I wondered if there was experience on here that might help me start to think through the issue.
Added to which I am just so sad, my mum isn't my mum most of the time, it is so upsetting for her and me.

What does your mum say about it? Would she be likely to go along with any suggestion of a move?

It is better to plan these things obviously, rather than wait for some sort of crisis, but on the other hand the emphasis these days is very much on supporting people to stay in thier own homes for as long as possible, if this is what they want.

You should telphone her local social services for advice - funding will be dependent on various factors, including whether she has any capital. It also would be good to get a reassessment done so as to get a professional opinion on whether she is at the stage of needing residential care or not, and also to see if there is anything else that can be put in place at home.

It must be very difficult for you when you're at a distance.

The best time to consider a care home is about 12 months before you think you might need one, because most half decent ones have very long waiting lists. If you can, visit a few and get a feel for them, then put your mum's name down. If a place comes up and she's not ready to move, you can refuse it.

Also, has she had medical assessment regarding the confusion?

How often is she having care? Often confusion is down to lack of eating and drinking.

Thanks for the advice she has been a bit in and out of hospital recently and the OT assessments have been for her to return to home. She is intermittently confused but has picked up a urine infection which is also making it difficult. You are right I should speak to social services to get some advice on whether there is anything further needed to support her in her home and also to get some advice on what else I need to think about. It is helpful to have some advice and I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

mungojenny - sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Sounds to me as if things are heading towards your Mum not being able to cope. Don't want to sound negative, just realistic. My Mum went downhill very quickly once she became ill and the worst thing is not being able to tell whether they are going to get better or how long it is all going to go on for.

Finding out about care homes before you get to crisis point is a very good idea. Also, find out about local authority funding. With the cutbacks you may have to consider getting enduring power of attorney for your Mum, where you can deal with her finances and access her money if she is no longer capable. This may be necessary to pay for a care home. We got it for my Mum by getting her to sign a form, but that was three years ago and the rules have changed. You now have to go through a solicitor and it takes a lot longer. A difficult subject to broach, but really worth thinking about. As it happens my Mum died before she needed to go into a home, but the stress of trying to find out in a crisis, I would not recommend. She was very resistant to accepting help. It sounds as if your mother is not, so that is good. Good luck.

My mum and I have talked about care support but in terms of trying to help her stay in her own home as long as possible as she has lots of people popping in and generally is still independent although with more and more care in support (cleaner/carers/meals) - if that makes sense. I have already applied for POA but guess I do need to think about the next steps. Thanks for the continued advice it is helpful to hear from others as none of my friends are in the same position so it does feel a bit overwhelming.

hi mungo, theres lots of us here is your situation so dont feel alone.

my advice is get you mums name on the waiting list, as when she feels she is ready to move it'll be too late

speak to her doctor too, he can help if she needs to move quickly

it is hard, I'm like my mums mum now too and its heart breaking. like you none of my friends are in this position and its quite lonely

all the best x

She needs a ss community care assessment. They will want to enable her to stay at home for as long as possible. Does she have an extra bedroom that could be used for a live in carer?

I will look into getting a care assessment and thanks for all the kind words as I do find it helpful to hear from others who are dealing with elderly parents. it sometimes feels a pretty lonely world as my friends all have younger/fitter parents and I don't like to talk about how upset I get.
In answer to your question hogmanayhoneyblossom she has a spare bedroom that could be used. She does sound a bit brighter today and I am going to see her tomorrow.

i think waiting lists vary depending on where you live. where i am and also where my mum lives there can be waiting lists of not - its very much down to pot luck. so we could have got her into a decent one here and also in kent.

strongly suggest you visit all the care homes in the area and have a short list of those you think are suitable. after visiting a few and speaking to other local people you will get an idea on whats suitable or not.

someone who works for one said that be suspicious of any that stipulate visiting hours for either your initial visit or for a resident. the one she works for is quite tatty but the residents love it as the staff are nice ant there are lots of activiites