fall and memory loss

[golemmings]

I need some advice please.

My mum died 5 weeks ago. Dad was coping ok, upset but functional. He was her cater for many years and by the end she needed a lot of care.

We had a call from his local a&e department at 6 this morning to say he'd had a fall and was being transferred to the regional neurology dept for monitoring.

We pushed off down there today to see him and his consultant. He's about an hour and a half drive from us. First question dad asked this morning was how mum was.. I fudged it and hoped he'd be better when we returned this afternoon.

He then asked twice this afternoon how and where mum was. Both times I told him it was all fine and not to worry. He was also worried about his car and asked a couple of times where it was. He has no recollection of the fall or phoning for an ambulance to get himself in to hospital.

He's an hour and a half away. We have 2 dcs, dd (2) who has just about stabilised herself after losing her granny and DS who is 11 weeks. Children aren't allowed on the ward because of the risk of infection to them. DS is ebf and I can't leave him more than 3 hours (although I'm going to try and Express some milk tomorrow for emergencies).

Right now I am scared

Of telling dad again (and possibly again and again) that mum has died and reopening the grief

That if dad understands that mum is dead he might just give up

Of taking dd to granny and tramps's house with no granny and no granpa

Of compromising my children to look after my dad

Of neglecting my dad to look after dcs.

I really want my mum and I really want to not feel so guilty.

Apart from taking it one day at a time can anyone offer ant advice as to how to get through this?

That's really hard for you. It might be good to speak to the neighbours and ask them to keep some kind of an eye on your Dad. Is he eating and drinking properly when he's on his own? Maybe there is some kind of club/day centre that he can attend or can you organise a daily carer (one visit per day)?

You must remind him about your Mum I'm afraid or he'll never accept it. Sadly, it's being cruel to be kind I'm afraid. Are there sympathy cards from friends that you can leave out in his house? This might be a subtle way of reminding him.

I assume that you don't have any siblings that live nearer and can help?

It's all really sad.

Sorry to hear this golemmings - you have a lot on your plate at the moment. Hopefully the hospital can shed some light on what's happening with your dad. Could it just be temporary confusion due to concussion? Once you have an idea of what's going on, it might help you find a way forward. When my MIL became confused after a fall, my DH and I sought advice from organisations like Age Concern and the Alzheimer's Society. In other words, it can be helpful to make use of any professional support available.

So sorry to hear your having such a hard time.

My grandpa died around the time my grandma was diagnosed with dementia and she never knew he had died. We told her at first but she had forgotten by the end of the visit and just got upset each time we told her. We found that "he is busy today" was a much better approach as to why he wasnt there as it saved her starting to grieve each time. Iyswim?

Make sure any help and support that is offered you take, don't feel guilty about it.

Thank you. We mentioned the memory loss to his consultant who had thought he was totally lucid, which for the most part he is. Consultant wasn't at all concerned about it so we're hoping its temporary and due to concussion, as you suggest Farside.

I am going to have to tell him, next visit, aren't I. He'll be devastated and I'm terrified he'll just give up and die without mum to focus on.

Pippop, his neighbours are fab. When we went to his house, as we pulled up onto the drive his next door neighbour popped out from the back garden; two of them were round there trying to find a ladder to look through his bedroom window to see if he was ok and were prepared to break in if necessary ; all because they'd noticed the bin was still out and the curtains were still closed.. They looked mightily relieved to see us.

And you're right. I don't have any siblings.

We'll be back down on Friday so I guess i'll just have to see how it goes.

There's no sensible way of seeing him on Christmas day without impacting on our dcs and I feel just awful at leaving him in hospital on his own on Christmas day but I don't want to upset dd by staying in his house without him and going out for all of Xmas afternoon on my own or, worse, inflicting a 3 hour round trip car journey on everyone plus a wait in a hospital trying to keep dcs entertained whilst I go up to see him. We'll go down on boxing day though.

It's all so hard and so crap and I just really want my mum to tell me the calls I'm making are ok.

Can I delegate my life to someone for a bit?

That's great that he has good neighbours. Might I suggest a small Xmas gift for each of them as a thank you for being concerned and (hopefully) ensuring look out in the future.

I think you are doing the right thing about Christmas day.

golemmings - so sorry to hear about your Dad's illness. Was just wondering if his memory loss is some kind of emotional defence, as well? He is ill, in hospital and can't cope with any more trauma so his mind has kind of shut the fact of your mother's death away, as it's too much to cope with. As well as the effects of his accident, I mean? It sounds as if the consultant thinks his memory might return.

So glad he has good neighbours. My parents had good ones who kept an eye and it was a real help. With regard to Christmas and the welfare of your children it might help to think that your parents would want what was best for them and would want you to put the next generation who need you most, first. And you are able to see him on Boxing Day. That helped me when my parents were ill - my dd was much younger and I just couldn't do everything I wanted to. I still felt bad, but it did help. Am thinking of you at this difficult time, having been through it all myself. I do know that whatever you do, it never seems enough and you desperately want to shield your Dad from the effects of ageing and bereavement and you just can't. It is so hard to see someone you love suffer, but you are doing everything you can and must comfort yourself with that.