I'm at the end of my tether with my mother and at the point where I am about to go under for good I think.
Background is this. A few years ago my dad died (I had recently split with my now ex-h and have 2 young dc). Afterwards my mother kept going on about loneliness and how wouldn't it be easier if we lived together - I could then work shifts and all would be fine.
So I gave up my secured tenancy housing association house. She bought a house (or rather I arranged to sell her and my dad's house, clearing the house, her move, our move, the mortgage, finding and buying a new house just as I had made all the arrangements for my dad's funeral, sorting out his estate etc.) big enough and we all moved in together. First couple of years were ok. She is an extremely difficult person to live with, as soon as I'd help her with something she would leave it all to me. I took it as part of the deal and carried on.
She wasn't great at looking after my dcs although she didn't have to cook anything, just be there in the house for them. This caused me a lot of stress, I changed my work hours all over the place, cut back as far as I could. She would spend time telling me she "couldn't be bothered" doing things, going anywhere, chatting to her friends any more - this is not an elderly thing, she's always been like that. I used to do a lot when I was little but she had been fine the past few years before my dad died. I could have the motto of my childhood as "can't be bothered." Me and my dad did everything together.
Come this summer and I finally cracked. Was so tired I could barely function. Doctor has me signed off work since then and am probably about to be sacked. It is hard to describe exactly as utter exhaustion doesn't cover it, more like someone pulled the plug on me.
A month later, she has a turn in the garden, turns out she hadn't been taking her meds as in her opinion "doctor's just give old folk meds to shut them up." Erm, no they don't.
So, a few months in hospital. I am a little better but no end in sight to returning to normal myself yet, I've had to take a big step back, only being able to visit twice a week as when I tried more I was starting to get dizzy and I have my dcs to look after.
She is fine now, at the point of returning home. Only the hospital have been planning to have her out next week just after Christmas. I had explained to them that during school holidays is not ideal. I can't handle this. She is going to have a care package in place and the house has all this stuff for her so she can get around but I am feeling utterly panicked and selfish and tearful.
It's not that she'll be here but I feel like packing up me and my dcs and running away. I can't afford a care home, if she goes in one they'll want the house sold and we'll be homeless. My dad's pension is still paid to her and that is what she uses for the mortgage. I pay all the utilities and other bills. I monumentally fucked up by agreeing to this in the first place and...here we are.
A few days before Christmas, under immense pressure from the social work dept to get her home, my dcs birthday is next week. I feel like such a failure but I don't want this any longer, I can't deal with her attitude, she can do stuff but why do it when I'm here.
I feel angry that she felt she had to be like this, I feel like I am the worst mother for not being able to provide for my dcs (when ex-h left he had cleared out all our money, rather all my money and left me in enough debt to be black listed forever despite always being so neurotically astute before him.)
Sorry I just had to get that off my chest.