MIL - forgetfulness and personaly hygiene ishoos

[CocktailQueen]

I posted about this a while ago - the lack of personal hygiene - MILk only seems to have one pair of trousers, which she wears all the time .

She came to stay with us for a week earlier this year and that was all she took with her - tho she took a few tops. She's 86. She does not wash or brush her teeth. Dh and I have tried to talk to her about this and the importance of washing. She says she'd feel too nervous bathing in case she couldn't get out/fell - fair enough - and that a wash ie enough - but I don't even know if she's doing that as she takes no toilet bag with her when she comes to us. I leave a basket of toiletries in her room and say to help herself if she's forgotten anything but she doesn't.

Problem is, she smells terrible. Absolutely repulsive. Makes me heave sometimes. Breath, sweat etc etc :( Can't be nice for her, or healthy. The kids have noticed too. It's vile to be in a car with her, for example.

Her memory is getting worse and worse too. We asked her to come to us this weekend and dh reminded her several times as she forgot each time. We tell her things and she forgets them straight away. Have tried to talk to her about visiting her GP to chat about it but she pooh poohs the idea. Have thought about writing to her GP - like this post - and asking them if a GP/nurse could pop round to her house and informally chat with her - her house is filthy, repulsive, she obviously doesn't clean either. I think she'd be better off in some sort of sheltered housing where she wouldn't have so much work to do and there would be someone there if she fell.

BUT she lives with dh's brother, age 60, and would be resistant to moving house as she has to be there 'to look after him' .

He lives in his bedroom like a teenager and does very little to help run the house. He goes shopping with MIl and takes home heavy things. He washes up sometimes too. But that's it - he does no DIY, gardening, cleaning, hoovering, cooking or laundry. DH has tried to talk to him and say that MIL is getting older and he should maybe do more round the house (he does not work) but BIL just says that MIL wants to do everything round the house and won't let him do anything .

So advice please! Three issues - hygiene, memory, being unable to look after house. Have tried talking to MIL and failed. What else can I do? Is a letter to the GP the best thing to do?? What else? Sorry this is so long!

Do you have protective services who could swing by and check on her? the dirty house and self is an indicator of failing mental health. Next time you are with her, ask her to draw a clock face, the kind with the hands, and number them. If she can't do that, she probably shouldn't be living alone anymore.

good luck, this sounds really hard!

Hi Toxic- she lives with dh's brother - adn she'd think I was mad if I asked to draw a clock.... hmm...

Well, yeah, it will be weird to ask her, but maybe make it part of what the kids are doing? can she spell the word "world" backwards? these sound like really basic things, but it's using your executive functioning, which is the last part of the brain to organize, and the first to go...

Again, maybe, if you are doing fun stuff with the kids that involve these skills, you can ask her to do some too...

Can you DH ring her GP and explain the situation and see what they advise. I would also be concerned, my nan had alzheimers and it was very difficult for all of us, but the forgetfulness, lack of awareness of hygiene etc could be a sign of dementia?

I definately think intervention is called for and think you should approach her gp with your concerns. There they can put you in touch/give you pointers for community care.

My mum has had Alzheimers for 5 years now. It is ghastly....

All the best.

Thanks all. It's awkward as she's not my mum and I kind of feel that my BIl should be more proactive but honestly, he's useless. In his own world and doesn't notice a thing. Should I just let her carry on living like that, or do something about it? Dh is non-confrontational and just wants to bury his head in the sand and ignore it. Typical bloke...

Don't ignore it, and don't let BiL keep ignoring it either. As she gets worse, he's going to have to look after her more and more.

suburaphobe is right, it is ghastly. Start the conversation now, before it gets worse.