terrible resentment towards elderly father - how do l stop feeling like this.

[Sudaname]

I used to be a daddys girl too . Now hairs on back of my neck stand up whenever he phones me or when l go into their flat. He has turned into Victor Meldrew. He is unbelievably demanding - its relentless honestly. Ungrateful - treats me like a skivvy/takes me completely for granted. He has just turned into a horrible selfish, deceitful (did l mention the constant lies when challenged about anything he's done/not done) entitled old man. The minute l walk in - no hello - he launches into his latest problem or what he's ran out of etc. I fear l will end up hating him - which l know is an awful awful thing to say but l am getting so deeply resentful and stressed and exhausted with his behaviour. He is 82, fully mobile and compos mentis.

Lots of sympathy to you. My Dad has been ill this year, and while in no way as difficult as your Dad, it hasn't always been easy. I went to see him in hospital (nearly 300 miles away) and was told to go away as he was too ill to see me. That is totally unlike him. The nurse asked me if he was always such a grumpy so and so - which he wasn't. Now he is better, things are easier, but he still drives me mad.

Are you sure your Dad is ok - as in you say he is compos mentis, but one of the signs of dementia is people becoming very difficult?

Hi fedup - thank god someone is out there . No my dad has been assesed for dementia and hasnt got it. I think its a case of familiarity breeds contempt sort of thing really. Because l only took over their care full time a couple of years ago - my mum is no trouble at all but has very little mobility and some level of dementia and very laid back and grateful for whatever you do for her/give her - a sort of happy very passive state really. Mum has carers in three times a day for personal care - bathing toiletting etc but l do all the rest for both of them.
Now when l first started Dad was always singing my praises to my DH - 'she's a brick' etc and thanking me all the time etc But then l guess this gratitude gradually slid into entitlement and without me even noticing really - as in l cant remember a defining moment iyswim when dad turned into an ungrateful old so and so from being so appreciative. My little brother did say to me once though that dad had always been selfish and manipulative which surprised me as l only remember him from a chlid/young adults view - as l moved away young - and still have the rose tinteds on. But my little bro lived near our parents for much longer into his adult life so l suppose knows our Dad better as he's observed him adult to adult for much longer lyswim. So maybe the initial appreciativeness was just a mask really to get me roped into doing all this stuff and obliged etc etc and now the real dad is coming out. l dont know but l do know its messing up my head !

Hi sudaname. I've no words of advice I'm afraid, I just wanted to send you a hug! It sounds like you're in a very difficult situation. Is there any way you could reduce what you do a bit? I think if you carry on, you may end up collapsing out of exhaustion and stress anyway!

Ah thanks Fish . Yes my DH worries l will have a nervous breakdown .

No advice I'm sorry- just sympathy and advice. Look after yourself. It's your life.

Sorry didnt mean to post then. Yes my DH often says that and what he has said is unless there is an emergency l should start going round just once a day on some days and he will call round that evening when he returns from work just to check in on them. So at least l'd get a bit of respite on some days. They live near me now so l can look after them better but l keep going round because l feel guilty if l dont if dad has said they need something or whatever and he always makes such a drama of it and then l dread going round next time if l dont go cos he's arsey with me then - so l just go round for a quiet life - its sometims two or three extra visits to my main one. My DH says it wont kill him (my dad obv.) if he has to wait a few hours for a light bulb to be replaced or if he's a bit low on milk (usually means down to last four pints with my dad!) and also he needs to be conditioned to the fact l have a life too and not always ready to jump when he calls. I know my DH is right and am going to give it a go see if it improves how l feel and how dad behaves - but he is very stubborn so maybe not. For my sanity though l will do as my DH suggests ( theres a first ! )

Thank you twenty so much - yes l am going to try and set some boundaries as above.

Boundaries are really important. Don't lose sight of you. The more you hive the more he will take and still want more. Protect yourself. Hugs

What twenty said. It will be hard but you have to keep some energy and time back for yourself and your family. You sound like a wonderful caring daughter, and your dad should be reassured and grateful for all you do. Not everyone would be so dedicated.

My dad sometimes launches into a rant before I have even managed to put one foot inside the door. My usual response is to say in a sarky voice "Hello Sage how are you today?" and then reply with "I'm fine thanks Dad how are you?". This often stops him in mid-rant!

Dad was quite hard on me as child, as I have got older I have got less tolerant of his (now occasional, fortunately) bad behaviour. But I have found that gentle humour often works to deflect him.

I will try that Sage its probably infinitely better than rising to it and trying to shout over him -as l do now - and l imagine easier on the nerves.

Thank you so much Fish and Twenty. l appreciate all your kind advice and l am going to definitely try and put it all into practice and will keep posting how l get on.

Hi - my dad was not in great health latterly and became really quite obnoxious. he was very rude to my mother and more than once I pulled dad on it to his surprise.

Your DH is absolutely right and you really do need to set boundaries. My father was actually quite a controlling individual and in his last few years he tried to become very controlling of my mother - didn't want her to go out, when she did go out was watching the clock for her to come back. She was quite resistant to all this and was very definite about maintaining some independence and a bit of a life of her own - otherwise she'd have been in the house with him dancing attendance 24/7.

Since I've taken over more care of mum now I've realised how important it is to not get sucked in to going to see her every day; to keep some time for myself (and dh and dd) otherwise I know I'd get stressed and resentful and worn out - which is no use to anyone.

My dad was quite speechless when once I simply said I hadn't driven to see him to be spoken to so rudely and I was leaving - and left. He apologised later (most unusual).So it is worth staying calm and removing yourself "I'll come back later when you're in a better mood" perhaps ?

Good luck and keep us posted - lots of good support on here.

Thank you Read for your very good advice - rang very true - l have used the word obnoxious to describe dads behaviour quite a lot lately - and he is very controlling also. In fact he got one of mums carers - a young man - to adjust the heating to 'constant' instead of the 3 x 4hrs its set on a timer which is ample but dad is always moaning about it (hence the previous £400 gas bills at their old house l imagine) and thinks it should be on right through the wee small hours - which they cant afford and l wont allow (as their appointee and holding the purse strings). So he got this young man to do it - complaining in 'dog with bone' fashion to him no doubt as he is not as assertive or hardened as the other carers who are older women - so that he 1. Got his own way. 2. Couldnt get told off for it as someone else did it.
When l rang the care agency to complain they told me the young man had been told by dad that he didnt know how to work the controls - so could he do it for him (he knows how to use it alright as he has been overriding my settings to put it on through the night for 6 months now despite endless bollockings/pleadings/threats of certain death or whatever off me ! ! ). In the end l told dad l wasnt prepared to look after them anymore if he messed with it again and l would be looking into care homes for them - so thats why he didnt dare do it himself. So l told the care agency to go easy on the young carer as l knew only too well how manipulative and devious dad can be and how he wears people down to get his own way.

l went round today people at a time that suited me - and only went round once - teatime so that l could prepare their meal while l put their shopping away which l got with ours - and do the laundry and any cleaning needed doing etc - all in one hit. Dad phoned me 3 times today trying to cajole me to come round earlier - even hid some loo rolls (which l found later) to say he had run out (l knew he hadnt) but l stuck to my guns and insisted l was coming round later and just kept doing 'broken record technique' about the loo roll situation.

So quite pleased with myself and refusing to feel guilty - they are warm , dry, clean , safe and plenty to eat and drink because of me tonight now as we speak. End of - no matter how much dad moans.

ah op, you have my sympathies, I know how very hard your situation is!

one thing you might not know, if your parents are on guaranteed pension credit they may qualify for the warm home discount, ring their energy supplier and ask if they qualify, if they do they will get help next march towards heating bills (its a one off payment)
does your dad refuse anyone else helping with all the things you do, or is it a case of they get help but you still need to do stuff?

you sound like you are doing well, keep posting here, there are many of us with similiar situations, either on going or in the past and you will always get great advice and a sympathetic ear

also know what you mean about at the end of the day you can only do so much

yesterday after running around for my mum for ages she said to me "I dont know what I'd do without you"

sometimes you just need to hear that, your dad probably feels it but wont say it, maybe its a man thing

Thanks SSD - no l dont think they get that pension credit - must dig out their dss statements and check but they have a small private pension so l think that takes them over the line for that ?? not sure will check their paperwork just in case. They do have carers three times a day (1hr in morning then two half hours) but they are technically for mums washing and dressing and personal care basically but they do for example make Dad the odd drink or a snack if making mum one - in fact like the boiler scenario in my previous post he does tend to (try) to commandeer them. But l do everything else - l just wont do personal care for my mum as would just find it excruciatingly embarrassing - but thats just me. I'm not squeemish and have cleaned some horror filmesque messes up over the last few years (mum has some gross habits with the dementia which l wont go into in case dear reader you are about to eat !) and just get on with it - 'rubber gloves - will travel' is my motto - marvellous inventions . But l just have a mental block with anything to do with personal care and my parents l'm afraid.

l dont think my dad says thanks etc because we have locked horns now for so long and got entrenched in this defiance/resentment vicious circle. l think l have just become so sensitised to his behaviour iykwim that even when he does something minor it will annoy me and l know l am being unreasonable then but its because of all the back history really. l often think strangers or some of the newer carers think l am being horrible to my dad and being tyrannical with him because they only see a snapshot. The newer carers (the others know him!) will throw me looks or say something on occasion when l shout 'For gods sake dad just turn it off/put it down (or whatever)' but they dont know about the 50 times l've already told him and he wont do it. For example l was in a cafe once with him and he will insist on talking about bodily functions etc when eating - totally inappropriate topics such as his feet or teeth or gums or toilet habits etc (e.g. have had to stop him in his tracks from showing me inside of his mouth on one occasion). You see he's not queezy about talking about that stuff when he's eating - but l -and possibly other people in the cafe -are/am. So this one day - as soon as he ventured into one of these 'embarrasing bodies' topics - l said to him quite snappily - 'Dad do you mind l'm eating - change the subject'. Well he went into a sulk and didnt say another word and this lady was going 'Ahh' etc - and 'he's old' etc etc to her friend but loud enough fo me to hear and l ended up having words with her when dad went to the loo. If she had sat opposite him talking with his mouth full (another charming habit) and talking about horrible stuff as much as l had and actually been reduced to fleeing a cafe in tears one day he embarrassed me so much - then maybe she would have seen my side.

Sorry gone off on tangents a bit but it will probably stop me ranting at dad so much if l can vent on here.

we've had some "episodes" with my mum in restaurants, I know EXACTLY what you mean!!

its just a build up isn't it, its not a one off being angry at something, its a long, drawn out thing that gets you upset and tense and ready to burst

I have similar issues with my mum, but I know if it had been my dad (who died ten yrs ago) it would have been much worse

again, you have my sympathies!!

Ahh thanks again SSD - DH has just been round to take them a hot meal and nuke it for them and draw their curtains etc etc and he has even salted all their patio and pathway so dad doesnt do a triple salko on way out to the bins - sorry l know its not funny really [evil daughter emoticon]

Hi folks.another one here-juggling elderly mum who's up the road and IL's 45 mins away-PIL in home after stroke and MIL with worsening dementia.More dotty by the day.
I'm trying to keep my mum (86) going but feel guilty if I'm not there all the time- only just putting our tree up!

understand about not doing personal care-doesn't feel right.

Hope YOU all are planning nice Xmases-glad about your chinese SSD!!

hi everyone we're all doing our best aren't we, its just hard going sometimes

suda, your dh sounds great, my dh is like that too. When he's driving me nuts and I want to scream at him I always think "he empties my mums bins and hoovers the unmentionable stuff under her bed" and it stops be being too crabby with him!

also I agree with you both about the personnel care, I can't do it either, we have someone who does all that for mum. I once had to hold her hand during a very personnel examination she had and honestly I just wanted to run out the room

and yes, twenty, my motto these days is anything for an easier life, so no cooking for me at xmas its the local chinese for us , have realised (about ten yrs too late!) that when I get run down with too much, I suffer more than anyone and its just not worth it

takes a lot to make me feel like that though

Ah yes - my sister (one of those types who loses the use of their arms and legs apparently because they have children ) is 'giving me a break' at Xmas by taking them a Boxing Day roast dinner round. My DH is furious that she's not even thought that l might quite like Xmas day off after looking after our parents all the rest of the year. He said ' Oh thats very big of her ! ' Her youngest is 11, one at 13 and one at 15 before anyone thinks l am being too harsh. They drive and live a 10 minute drive away.

I am an expert in having a sister who thinks mum can look after herself and I worry too much
don't start me on this one, I could be here all night!!

Me too !!! Just spoke to two Bruvs tonight to tell em to at least Phone !!!!!! Eek. Just keep going girls and seek our own slivers of joy.....