Feel guilty that mum lives in such clutter and chaos, but she likes it like that.

[sandyballs]

I've attempted in the past to tidy up her bungalow as every surface has ornaments and bits and pieces on it, she goes to charity shops every day and buys more stuff, but she gets cross with me and says she loves having all this stuff around her.

She now has carers going in twice a day to ensure she eats and is looking after herself and I feel they must think me and my brother are awful for allowing her to live like that.

What can I do, insist she accepts help organising her home or just accept that this is her choice. The place isn't dirty, just cluttered.

The carers are not going to be judging you for the number of ornaments your mum has! If the house is clean, then that's what matters. It's a pain dusting round and under a ton of ornaments and clutter, but there's nothing fundamentally dirty or unsafe about her having the house the way she likes it.

True I don't know really why I'm bothered about what they think. I suppose if she's happy like that I should let it be. It isn't just ornaments though, it's old toiletries, talc, perfume, moisturisers etc, piled high, you can hardly see her bath but when I tried to bin the empty ones she went mad and said I was interfering.

Hi sandyballs, I emphathise with you so much! My Mum lived like this all her life and it is a very difficult thing to live with as hoarders have no idea of the effect it has on other people. I defend Mum's right to live as she wishes but it has also affected her life no end.

She is now in a nursing home after major illness and her house has now been cleared, completely refurbished and has tenants in it! It took me 6 months of sorting through everything but I did it! Several friends told me that I should just get house clearance in but I felt I owed it to her to sort through it all. I did find some wonderful things photos, antiques etc but had to wade through incredible amounts of junk to get it.

I used to worry what other people thought of me letting her live like that but it is a very deep seated issue that really has nothing to do with what you do or don't do. Also it is only now that I can talk about it and realise that there are a lot of other people with parents like this! I felt very on my own with it until my mid-30s.

I used to worry that I would end up like her but I now know that I won't, my slight hoarding tendancy is a learnt behaviour in that no one ever taught me how to decide what to keep or throw away but having gone through all the possessions, clothes and correspondence in the past year that I have ever had (she had gone through the bin and hooked out things i had thrown away) I have now taught myself!

Good luck with it and don't beat yourself up about it. I love the fact that I have done it and the house looks amazing but I would still prefer Mum to be well, happy and living in her own chaos in her own house. Life is short. xx

I think it's quite common and I'm positive the carers will have seen worse/are used to it .
Think it's a combination of boredom ( buying more stuff ) plus fatigue ,not wanting anything moved so that they know where stuff is ( ha ha ) ,not throwing anything away in case it becomes useful .

My parents tell me it all goes back to life pre WW2 when they had very little and everything was always kept/nothing was ever thrown away because it would come in handy one day.

Still damn hard work even throwing out the bits of polythene the Sunday Magazines come in in their house :( I think clutter is not such a problem so long as the place is reasonably clean/not smelly.

Crumbs, sandyballs - I wish my mum was that restrained. I love her to bits, but she hoards EVERYTHING. There are boxes of cr@p (magazines, ornaments, letters, books, crockery, materials, outdated plastic gadgets, cosmetics, odds and ends) some dating back to the 1970s and 1980s everywhere in every single room in a huge 6-bedroom house (and the garages, shed and attic) and in some places there is only a narrow passageway between those boxes. She even has her long-dead parents' stuff boxed up from the mid-70s which she claims she will one day sort out....

It's a fire hazard and unhygienic - we occasionally find mice have nibbled themselves a nest in the boxes and we regularly find mice droppings all over the place (doddery old cat notwithstanding!). My poor father would love to give the whole lot away, but she gets very defensive and angry if anything is removed (even stuff she hasn't looked at for 30-odd years). We are at a deadlock - it maddens my poor father (who is incidentally also a war-child, but also a former national serviceman who knows you can live with the contents of a soldier's locker for 18 months and he gives away to charity immediately anything he doesn't need), but neither he nor we want her to be unhappy, bitter and resentful for the rest of her life.

Does anyone have any tips for gently persuading an elderly parent to agree have a de-clutter? Doing it the sneaky way just won't work.

Oh that sounds hard ,and your poor dad .

Sounds a bit more deep rooted than just the generational habit referred to by PoshPenny ( I too have to whip away the newspaper plastic wrapping ,and all the unwashed plastic inners from cartons that are so useful for storing squeezed half lemons ,being spoon rests ,under protest ).

No help to you but I saw a TV programme about an incredibly understanding and patient family ( actually think it was one of a series on hoarders ) dealing with this .
It involved them going through all the clutter and wresting agreement for permission to remove - they hired a hall ,layed stuff on trestle tables and went through it with their mum ,that coped with one room I think .
But their mum knew she had a problem .

Perhaps you need to be a bit more assertive /straightforward ? Sit down and have frank discussion ? After all your poor dad ,and you ,are suffering to appease this habit .

Not much help ,sorry !

There is a great website called' Help For Hoarders' which could be worth looking at. Don't have a link, sorry

www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/

YrbanDad, If DM's an "it will come in handy" hoarder, would she agree to 'donating' to 'good causes' ?

You could then cart most it off to the tip but perhaps donate as well ?

Sandyballs, if the house is cluttered but safe and hygienic perhaps just leave her to it. Difficult thou cos you obviously want to stop it getting worse

That's a great website, gingeroots, thanks for that!

OP, I feel for you.

Me and my sisters had to clear out my parents house after my dad died (mum in a care home) and they were typical hoarders who'd kept everything. We even found stuff from WWII!

And now I have to chuck out loads of stuff that I've been keeping in my store room. Maybe the apple didn't fall so far from the tree...

Have found a place near where I live where I can donate my unwanted books to:

helpfromhome.org/borderline-books

OP I'm sure the carers won't judge you for the way your mum lives. And hoarding find it deeply painful to have their possessions moved/removed so try to remember you are actually being very kind to her by respecting the way she likes to live.

My mums house is a death trap as far as I am concerned and my dad hates it.She thinks she is organised and despises people who dont keep their stuff. The only way which works is to invite people (ie my sister and her family) round as she then gets into a flap and exhausts herself tidying which is a bit cruel.