How can I help my mother?

[boschy]

hi - copied across from relationships, someone suggested I try Elderly Parents. Hope you might have some ideas for me!

Mum is 81, widowed for 15 years, getting increasingly physically frail. got all her marbles but very deaf which can make communication difficult. I work from home and she lives round the corner from us - which is where it gets difficult, and I am a Bad Daughter I fear.

I dont spend much time with her - I phone/email a lot, but I am not one for popping in nor her to me. part of the reason is that she is very intense - I cant just drop in and talk about the weather or the price of tomatoes for 10 minutes, it has to be a 2 hour session about my innermost emotional wellbeing. equally, we cant talk about my DC/DH/DB and his family for the same reason - she has to analyse everything.

I KNOW this is because she is lonely and alone and has too much time to think, but I find it very hard to deal with, I dont have time to analyse my own innermost emotional state let alone anyone else's, or necessarily want to share them with her if I did. If I ever do have a whinge about anything in my life she clings onto it like a dog with a bone and keeps bringing it up again and again.

She's also very independent, wont ask for any help etc and if I offer gets quite offended. The other side of that is that if I say "would you like to go somewhere" she will say no because she is too busy/too tired/got to collect the cat food/whatever.

she has a form of skin cancer at the moment, and is making quite a big thing of it - I know this sounds really callous, but I have had melanoma twice, so the fact that she has a non-aggessive form now at 81 is kind of not as bad as it could be iyswim - what she has wont kill her, is not painful, is just a little unsightly.

I would love to find a way to be with her, to give her more company etc, but without having to give too much of myself all the time, if that makes sense? I love her, but she exhausts me.

Hi boschy have you approached social services about your mum, they might be able to offer you help. My mum and dad were able to go to daycare where they could have a chat with other elderly people and have lunch and even supper if they wanted. My dad loved going and having a chat with the staff who he thought were lovely, transport if a problem can be arranged. Even if she is financially ok, help will still offered.

I second contacting Social Services or Age UK to see what is available for her to improve her social life. Their aim is to help people stay living independently so they aren't going to wheel her off to a home; nor will they expect you to take her in; so definitely worh checking out.

she thinks Age Concern etc is for old people!! yes, I know...

to be fair to her, she has tried very hard to make a social life for herself over here (she moved near us 13 years ago, 2 years after my father died) but has found it very difficult. she's done all the NADFAS/U3A stuff, but not found any 'friends her own age' as she calls them. part of the trouble is that she's quite posh, and although she is not snobbish herself, she can come across as quite la-di-da.

sorry, not trying to drip extra information in, but just responding to comments. I will check out Age Concern though and see if they do anything locally.

You are NOT a "bad daughter". I can only repeat others suggestions of Age UK - or are there any local classes which she might enjoy. Our local community centre runs a bridge group, afternoon tea dances and there is a thiving art group - does she have any hobbies which might be a way to increase her socialising ?

can she come round to yours at the weekend when there are more people around? Say a regular thing? Extra help with the deafness maybe- it does make people quite isolated - look at new hearing aids that kind of thing and is there anything you both enjoy doing - could you do that - again something regular - just to take off the intensity
and could you do a bit to help her find some friends - or people to visit her- doesn't have to be same age just with a bit of time and similar interests maybe?

ach, readsalot and anothername - they are both great ideas so thank you.
BUT, and I feel there's always a but, which makes me feel bad too...

she has investigated - and gone to - every class she can find and given up on most of them after a fairly good stab at it. I have introduced her to my friends/mothers of my friends - not that many of them, I'm quite isolated too - but she sees it as charity, or that they are 'old people'. she would absolutely hate any of the things that people think 'old people' like - bridge, or tea dances or whatever.

when she comes here she ALWAYS makes an excuse to go home again quite quickly - so she'll come for lunch, but will stay maybe only a couple of hours. if it's just us 4 and her it's OKish, I make DH turn the stereo off etc and she can hear enough to keep up with the conversation relatively well. But if there's any more of us - extra family or friends or the inlaws or soemthing, she cant separate all the different voices out, loses the track of the conversation and kind of zones out. her hearing aids are pretty much state of the art, and she's had that really expensive bone implant surgery as well.

I went round with DD2 and the dog on Friday afternoon, and she was very pleased to see us, we had a nice chat. DD2 and dog enough distraction to avoid the emotional overanalysis!! but then we had to leave early because DD1 was having a crisis while away with a friend and I thought I had to go and pick her up (long story, all fine).

I'd like to go and see her more often, it's just the fear of being on the emotional rack which puts me off. I think she's at the stage in her life where the Big Things are all that matter, whereas I'm at the stage of just getting through every day on an even keel....

is there any thing charitable she could do?

And sounds like if you can manage to meet up when your DCs are around that really helps - fairly often but short is probably the key too - a couple of hours or even less is fine

argh, she's just phoned to give me the guilt trip - hasnt seen me for ages apparently. except I went in on Friday afternoon, and today is only Weds; I work fulltime from home and am also a school governor, so Mon night and yesterday pm were spent on school business. in between that I am also attempting to redecorate most of the house in case we have to sell come the spring, so not exactly lying around eating peeled grapes.

her face hurts (skin cancer thingy); the economy is going to hell in a handcart; my DH doesnt earn enough money; oh and she had a go because I have not yet paid for me and the girls to have the flu vaccine "you know they could DIE from the flu dont you?". god give me strength.

oh yes, and I am never to sit in the sun again, and nor are the girls. Because obviously I am completely oblivious to every health message going.

A digital hearing aid made an enormous difference to my elderly deaf mum. She can even adjust it for different settings to tune out unwanted background noise. Just a thought.

I think hers are pretty much state of the art... but I will check about digital, thank you.

Has she got pc access? My grandad took up the Internet at 80ish and loved it. I would get little emails from him when I was at work. He is no longer with us and I wish I had saved/printed out some of those mails.

Hi boschy - sending you a !! Fortunately my mum is very undemanding but I was and going "aargh" like you last week when mum had a follow up visit from home care (without me present) and told them she was coping fine and cooking meals !!!!! Sometimes you feel like beating your head off a wall. When my sister phones and tells me what I should do with my life I often find it is helpful to be watching TV with sound off but subtitles on or have phone in one hand and PC mouse in other while surfing - if your mother is like my dsis she only needs the occasional "mmmm" - I have survived calls lasting 75 minutes like this . My sympathy

ha readsalotgirl - have you tried solitaire on the pc while yours is on the phone??? and thank you for the wine, much appreciated! (cant make emoticon work, cant find the posh brackets!)

Hey boschy - YES - top score of just over 7200 !!! I think I need to get out more

a quick update - she is thinking of getting a dog!!!

halle-bloody-luia, it really is the best thing she could do. just a small, middle-aged rescue dog, but it will make her get out of the house every day, she can chat to fellow dog-walkers, it will give her a new interest in life and something else to think about.

she's had animals all her life, but her last dog died about 3 years ago and she thought she was too old to get another one. now tho she knows she has to keep moving in order to keep her knees mobile. I have everything crossed she gets one (I can always walk it with mine if she really cant get out or whatever).