Mother will not see a doctor

[CryingAtMyParty]

Hi, I know that out there there are others with this problem. My mother has always flatly refused to see a doctor (or optician, or even take her dog to the vet).

Late last night (11ish) mum phoned to say that she thinks she has had a stroke. She phoned my sister who said she would call an ambulance. "I'll tell them to f*k off". Sis said she'd take her to the doctor the next day "F*k off".

It's like that all the time. Mum cannot look after herself. We go to clean up for her - she swears at us for doing it. It is 1.5 hours drive away from me (but close to sis). Mum's floor is so filthy with dog's urine and faeces even that I cannot take crawling baby. I am newly widowed with young child and baby; lord knows life isn't tough enough already. I can't go there at stupid o'clock to see her - actually I didn't even answer the phone this time, and just prayed that it wasn't a call to say that my brother had been caught in the M5 crash (statistically improbable and I thought that he'd gone that way earlier in the day, but was actually Friday evening)

We have to do something. She is moving to my town. I'm buying her a house with the money I have received following DH's death (rather than pay off my mortgage) then we'll tidy up her little house and sell it.

She always has something wrong with her, and she always attributes some other cause to the problem (something she's eaten, for example, or more usually it is a dose of the flu - on a monthly basis!). But this is the difficult bit. She smokes and I think that the smoking has caused her inability to now get out of the house, or even around the house. May even be contributory factor to her mild 'dementia'.

She says she has her 'reasons' for not seeking professional medical advice, and contemptuous of anyone who does so. I think it is because she doesn't want to be told that her problems are all related to smoking. Maybe she thinks that as a smoker she'll not be treated, or be judged. Or maybe she can't face up to the facts about the effect of her smoking addiction. Or perhaps she fears not being able to smoke in hospital.

Her partner of 25 years (not my dad) left her to go into an old folks home. He said that he couldn't breathe with all the smoke, and that she wasn't capable of looking after him. She has poohpoohed all that and says that he left to be closer to his ex-wife (who has a friend in said folks home). Um no!

Ok, she smokes. But it is so difficult to have someone who is ill, has needs, but prohibits any attempts to enlist the help that she needs. Then she accuses us of not helping her (not seeing her often enough, not phoning her often enough - and she is lonely). And insists on telling us of her suffering. What does she need? What should we do?

sorry long rant, can't think straight. Want to help and there must be a way. Want to do the right thing out of love and compassion and not the wrong thing on a guilt trip.

I don't have an answer about not seeing a doctor
with regards to the house and moving - is it worth looking into shetled accomdation in your town - which is rented - I am worrying about you using your money for a house which may not work out -has she agreed to this move? then I guess you would have a bit of spare cash to help your mum out -

oh jesus op, I'm so sorry. You certainly have enough on your plate without all this.

I dont know how to get around a mother like this, IME if she refuses help it cant be foisted on her.

of course she's being extremely selfish and unreasonable to lay the blame for everything onto you and your sister.

can you contact you local council social work dept and see if they can offer her any help (or help you, which is more important IMO)

I'm sorry this is a crap answer to a very difficult problem, I hope someone else comes along who has a better idea of how to handle this

Thanks. Thanks so much. I realise I had rambled this morning; it's so complicated! Mum thinks that all her problems will be solved when she moves closer to me. And I will have more time to devote to her, it's true. Less loneliness will help her health and state of mind. But it's this not going to the doctor thing that is so difficult. I'd love to crack that, get the help she needs, and maximise her quality of life. Social workers; unleash the tirade of swearwords from mum. So simply, we have to be burdened with her illhealth, real and imagined, but are not allowed to do anything that threatens her (now quite limited) independence. She's only in her early 70s. What a tragic waste.

Hi Crying. Not sure I have any answers for you but you have my sympathy and a big hug. Dealing with an elderly parent can feel really overwhelming and that's why this forum has been a great help to me - it does help just to vent!.

As AnOther has said I would be concerned about the legal/financial/emotional implications of a move closer to you. Has your mother agreed to this and have you a legal agreement that you will be able to sell her house ? Sheltered accomodation and the involvement of social services are worth considering.

Please don't underestimate how difficult such a move can be - I've recently moved my mother and she was both quite willing but also accepting of the fact that she wasn't coping alone.
If you are to help your mother then you must make sure you look after yourself first - especially if you have a young child. I hate to say this but your mum sounds as if she is emotionally blackmailing you and your sister and you may need to be a bit tougher with her. Why did she phone your sister and say she'd had a stroke if she didn't want any help ? How would she have responded if your sis had said "well why phone me then ?".

My father was a smoker who refused to give up until going to the GP when he had a chest infection. GP says "do you smoke" ? Dad says yes - GP says "what do you expect me to do then ?" Dad never smoked again. Sometimes the direct (bloody rude) approach works best.

I hope you find solutions but remember your priority has to be your own child/children and you really must make sure that you (and your kids) are protected legally and financially. You can't help your mum if you aren't physically and emotionally strong and well - so look after yourself.

totally agree with readsalotgirl

op, you probably know your mum is being really unfair, but if you all let her behave like this she'll only get worse

I think you do need to be cruel to be kind

she will run you and your sister ragged and it might cause resentment and bad feeling and thats horrible to live with

please try to be a bit harder with your mum and think twice about buying her a home-have you taken legal advice about this?

Crying, I agree with what other posters have said - you have a young child and you're going through a horrible time yourself. You must put yourself and your baby first. I know that sounds harsh but you'll be overwhelmed otherwise, and maybe end up resenting your mum or even hating her. (I was in a vaguely similar situation to you - young baby and my mum was diagnosed with Alzheimer's - there was no way on this planet that I could care for her, so she ended up having to go into a home. I've never regretted that for a second.)

And you really need to make sure you're not out of pocket. Is buying her a new home really the answer? If she can't look after herself now, won't you just be doing it all for her once she moves?

Crying - am not sure if this thread is still active, but here goes. I really feel for you - my Mum has now died, but she had a swelling on her face and refused to get any help. I thought she had an abscess and tried to persuade her to go to the dentist and/or doctor, but she wouldn't. In the end it got so bad that she had to and she was found to have mouth cancer. She died within a few weeks. I felt terrible - so guilty - but the district nurse etc assured me that you cannot make people accept treatment. It is very painful to watch someone suffer and not be able to help because they won't accept any help.

Three years on, I have got over feeling that my Mum did not care about me and my brothers and had no consideration for what we were going through. I think the illness and my father's death in the previous year changed her and she could only think about joining him. When she was ill, she didn't want a lot of intrusive treatment and it was her choice. It still hurts that she chose to go through it all alone, but she probably knew the doctors might have pressured her to have treatment and she didn't want it. Something she said to me years before did help. When her father was very demanding and difficult after having a stroke she said "it's the illness talking". Your Mum is ill - possibly with the beginnings of dementia. She is old and lonely and not very rational. The illness talking .... It is very tough, but you will get through this. I echo what others have said about buying a home. It sounds as if she is getting so she cannot cope with living alone, looking after a house, etc. and some kind of sheltered housing would be a better option.

Am thinking of you.

Hi whitecloud - was interested in what you said about your mum being changed by both her illness and the death of your father. I think this is also what's happened to my mum. Dad passed away nearly 5 years ago and then my brother (who had mental health and alcohol issues) died very suddenly 2 years ago. Since then mum seems to have given up - I find this hard as she still has me, my sister and 3 grandchildren. I had another go at her today as I buy food which she doesn't eat and then tells social services that she is cooking for herself when she's actually living on toast. However because of experience with my brother I do realise that you can't make people accept help - it's just so hard to sit by and watch and frustrating when someone won't do what they can to help themselves. Like you I hope the OP is getting some comfort from this thread - and thanks for your post - it's helped me

readsalotgirl - so glad that what I said helped you. It is something positive from going through something so dreadful if your story is of use to others. It sounds as if your mother may have given up. Coping with two major bereavements within three years is very traumatic - my parents died within a year of each other and it really is a hammer blow. If you are older or elderly, maybe you have even less resilience.

I think a lot of the pain is to do with the parent/child relationship. If your mother was loving and caring when you were a child you feel outraged that she doesn't seem to care about you, your sister or her grandchildren. I think it is hard to accept that the relationship changes and you become the carer - they almost become like a child again and you can't expect the sames things from them.

Looking back, my mother was suffering from depression for years. It turned out that she had an underactive thyroid (worth checking for, if your mother will see the doctor) but she convinced herself she had ME so it became really chronic without treatment until she had to have thyroxine. She wouldn't come to stay with me and she found us going to her difficult because of the depression. That was really painful, but I think she was ill and I can accept it better now. I have found trying to reason about why things are as they are makes it easier to accept them.

My parents had a horror of letting anyone outside the family in to help. They had a dread of intereference or the thought that they might be separated or "put away" because they obviously weren't coping. You can't do anything like that now without the person's consent, but it didn't seem to help. Makes it a lot tougher on the family.

Thinking of you and hoping this helps a bit.

Thanks whitecloud. I know deep down mum does care about dsis and I but I sense, also, that she is tired of life now. I think what I find difficult to accept is that she doesn't seem to care very much about herself. She has had an ulcer on her leg since the early summer but didn't go to the doctor until I found out about it (by accident) and called the GP myself. She is the extreme opposite of undemanding which I find odd since she used to be quite bolshy and ready to stick up for the underdog - maybe she just hasn't got the energy left for that anymore.

Since she moved closer to me she has had more company which she is enjoying and does seem happier.

My brother's death was a huge blow to her and I do struggle with the knowledge that he was her favourite and yet, as my dh has said ,was the least reliable of her children. I suspect actually my mother has loads of "issues" ariound family relationships as she had a kind of odd childhood but of course she is from a generation which is notoriously stiff upper lipped and would be aghast if I suggested she have counselling or talk about it in any kind of analytical way. As you say it does make it easier to accept things if you can understand why they are as they are - I think it's sad mum has never really explored some of the reasons she is as she is.

However I'm rambling now - just wanted to say thanks again and to all you fellow "sandwichers" out there " chin up" !!!