How can I persuade my elderly parents to continue with visits from carers?

[lonelyplanetmum]

My parents are 87 and 88 and living in their own home.Mum has had a couple of strokes,atrial fibrillation, has a pace maker and is highly anxious.She never leaves the house.Dad has (slow) prostate cancer and severe memory loss which we think is Alzheimer's - but we are waiting for the official diagnosis.To cut a long story short, when I was at home ( 2 hours away) there was a crisis involving Dad's catheter.Social services got involved and set up visits from carers three times a day for the next six weeks.The carers have been great.They have been helping them wash, dress and helping prepare food and empty the catheter ( not at the same time!)What I am anxious about is what happens when the six weeks come to an end. I have already suggested continuing the care visits but Mum is very resistant.I just find it all so hard to manage. Also Mum keeps saying " he's not the man I married" which I find really difficult.She says it about 20 times a day. Of course, it's so hard for her as he remembers so little. However he's still my Dad and I see frequent glimpses of who he was. Sorry I'm rambling now.I do find the "He's not the man
I married" part so difficult to respond to..

Oh I so feel for you .
Can you try and get your mum to pin point exactly what she doesn't like about the carers coming in ?
Why is she resistant ?
And then see if its possible to overcome any of the issues .

It is hard ,having carers in is inevitably ,for most people ,intrusive .
What is the alternative ?
I have had to accept things I'd rather not ( mainly poor hygeine ,dirt and mess ,poor nutrition leading to health problems ) regarding my mother because of her resistance .
But it's her life I suppose ,I can't force her ,even though it makes my life harder .
It must be so hard her saying that about your dad .
Could you think of it less as a personal remark about him and maybe as more a code for her ,a way of her refering to how her whole life has changed .

Oh - phone social services and try and get hold of someone to talk to about
the care package .
I imagine it should be re assessed after 6 wks .
Chin up - it can be tough going ,I know .

I think thinking about the alternative which I imagine would be residential care for either one or both - and talking about that to your mum might help her put up with the carers
re not the man I married - yes very depressing I am sure - but I guess it has a bigger impact on your mum than you -not downgrading what its like for your of course for instance has she always been anxious and was he a support to her with her -

oh op, I'm so very sorry, what a hard situation to manage and live with

what about asking her doctor to have a word with her re having care come in, a wee word from the doctor can change everything IME, old folks listen to doctors more than they listen to us

as for the he's not the man I married , so hard for you to listen to, I know he's still your dad

I think you should contact social services yourself and ask about what happens after six weeks - and see if you can get the care continued. If you can could you tell your mum that social services have decided your dad still needs the carers - this might work if as ssd suggests you can get their GP on side also.
How would your mum feel about your dad going into residential care ? Might be worth having a chat about what she sees happening in the future. Perhaps the "not the man I married" comment is not intended in a negative way but is her way of expressing her sadness that your dad is so much less able than he used to be. My father was very restricted by illness in his latter years which made him very difficult to live with but we all knew he was very frustrated by this - and it was very sad. Your mum is grieving for the husband she has kind of lost already but perhaps not acknowledging the loss/hurt this also causes you. Not putting this very well but you have my sympathy.

Much sympathy.

Pil are in late 80s and mil has many health problems including senile dementia. After a recent spell in hospital (where she threatened to call the police unless they took her home at 3am!) the GP arranged carers to go in to help.

The next thing is that pil have "sacked" the carers. I had arranged a meal delivery service for them. That was cancelled. Gingeroots is right - when you are dealing with stubborn people (especially stubborn old people) you have to accept that it's their life, however random it is becoming. And when there are two of them, they can present a united front.

Apparently mil wakes up every morning and shouts at fil for being old and no use and not who she married. I feel sorry for fil but one day he appeals for help and then the next he's telling everyone to go away and that they can manage very well.