this is a NEW TOPIC, called "Elderly Parents", its on "other stuff"

[ssd]

just wanted to bring this to peoples' attention

it started about a week ago but its not had much traffic yet

most posters probably don't know its there (or here!)

its located in "other stuff"

feel free to use it when you need to!

Do you know what ginger, that's just what my dad said this week! He tried to get g'dad to sit out on the patio, or come shopping with him, because he thought it might break the very introspective view he has of life.
He won't consider respite, or a home of any type, dead set against. And his GP is, well, I'd be kind saying that they were useless.
I think he wants us to look after him full time. Hence the guilt trips he sends us on.
My mum is having a scan on Monday to see if a cancer she got rid of 12 years ago has come back. G'dad doesn't know this.
I don't know if I should spell things out a bit to him, but my relationship with him is still as a grand-daughter. And I don't know if doing that will spoil that. But I wish he would stop being so demanding of mum. Aaargh!

I am marking my place here as well. Trying at the moment to persuade my very capable, former nurse, mother that she is my elderly father's wife, not his personal nurse, and that they need to spend some money on backup for her so that when he's having a health dip (happens every three months or so) she can leave him in the house for half a day to go to her sewing club or out to visit a NT garden or do something fun with a friend. They are not short of money and could afford it. I hate to think of my mother being captive in the house, too, when she could be out relaxing every now and then.

I don't want it to sound as though my parents are rich pleasure-seekers, btw! They live in a modest semi. But they saved hard while they worked and now is the time they should be spending the money on easing their situation.

Abra Keep pushing and helping her maintain a social circle. (Are they eligible for carers allowance if that's still its name?) We didn't try hard enough with MIL who insisted she was not having help to look after FIL. She was fit but also elderly. He eventually went into hospital and had to go into a home. She then had a complete breakdown, despite no previous MH history, leading to 6 months stay in a elderly pyschiatric ward.

Oh how sad about your MIL. That is what worries me--that we are storing up a big timebomb.

Ironically my mother, having been a nurse, health visitor, having helped with Crossroads, etc, has probably advised elderly people to do just what we are telling her she needs to do for herself! I doubt they'd be eligible for the allowance, but they have the funds to do it privately and it seems that now is the time to spend the money: it's the rainy day.

Hope you convince her Abra! We have friends who do just what you would like your mum to do. He books into a local respite care home and she goes away on holiday! And he enjoys the home as he enjoys the different company and a week of no responsibility. They are comfortably off but still receive an Attendance Allowance. That might be worth you looking into.

Attendance Allowance isn't means tested afaik .
40nottrendy - I think if I were you I would try and talk to your gf .
I don't know what his situation is but I really would press ( you could ask the carers agency first ) for a reassesment by Soc Services ,explain about your poor mum . They will be familar with this kind of situation .They may be able to offer more help . Make sure someone is present with gf when they do the reasses .
Regarding GP - if it's a group practice ,you may be able to find one good one .My mums was awful ,but we were seeing a sucession of locums I think .
In the end I wrote down all my complaints and told the receptionist I wanted to see someone - saw the lead GP who is a million times better than all the others and we stick with her .
Or change practices .
Drinking and eating is a constant struggle with a lot of elderly I think .
Loss of appetite,loss of taste and sense of smell ,trouble chewing ,loss of thirst reflex . Physical difficulty reaching food .
You just have to really put your mind to it - straws /sports bottles for drinking ,finding nibbles that they like ,finger food .
My mother eats way too many pork pies ,cheese straws and dip but ...at least she's eating .
I peel apples ,pears etc ,cut them up ,squeeze lemon juice on and leave in a box ( took me ages to find one she could open on her own ) etc ,etc .

Hope your mums test is negative ...

Thank you for the suggestions!

I'm reading this with tears in my eyes.
I'd give pretty much everything I have to be able to see my Mum again.
She died a week before xmas.

We didn't always get on, long periods of time in the 90's when we didn't speak to each other, not really compatable personalities; but she was my Mum and I loved her.
Since DD age 5 came along we'd got on much better.
I've got a devastated Stepdad who's 87 to comfort and I live 2 hours drive away.

My Dad died 22 years ago.

My paragraph breaks didn't work!

Oh I'm sorry ChildofIsis ,how sad .
I'm glad you had a better relationship before she died .
Has you stepdad got other support ?

Stepdad lives closer to my brother but he tends to talk about his feelings to me. My brother has been a tower of strength for us all.
Mum had been ill for a few years and we knew that she didn't have too long from around this time last year.
She'd had enough and got sick of the nhs trying to 'make her better' when she had an illnes you don't recover from.

Fortunately we all became very close over the past few years, I'd hate to think how hard this would be if we weren't getting on when she died.

ChildofIsis what an awful time for you. Sorry about your mum. It must be hard being so far away.
Ginger, thank you for the suggestions. I'm going to have a chat with mum after the scan and see if we can come up with a plan of action.
His latest move, G'dad has decided to cancel the carers that come, aaarrghh! He was in hospital just after Christmas and on his discharge Social Services worked with us to up his care package. And despite the fact he gets enough Attendance Allowance to pay for the extra visits he now gets, he resents paying out. As I say, think he wants mum and dad to be there every day.

ChildofIsis, I am so sorry. That is so tough.

40not, oh NO! How completely frustrating.

oh 40not ....!
Time to speak to him plainly I think ,respect his wishes ( having carers in is ,TBH ,very intrusive and they're not always very helpful ) but he needs to face up to reality of situation .
Be clear about what help your mum and dad can give .
Be clear that he understands consequences of not eating /drinking - surely he wants to avoid more hospital admissions .
Can he compromise ,co operate ( ie try harder to drink and eat ) ?
So hard ,I'm sorry .

Thanks ginger. He got as far as cancelling, then woke up, felt poorly, rang my mum who told him he was daft to cancel the carers if he felt ill! He's now held off cancelling.
We do spell it out for him, my mum more so than me. He makes a show of listening and following advice, but tbh it's all forgotton half an hour later. He just doesn't seem bothered.
We so wish he would consider a home, where he would get, pretty much, someone on hand 24 hrs a day.
He's very strong minded and wants to be independent. His body doesn't match though. and I understand how that must make him feel.

I don't suppose he'd go into a home for a week - maybe if your parents were going away ?
He might like it ...?

Just marking my place, I have an 88 year old Great Aunt, she is more like a mother to me than my own mum, who doesn't bother with her at all, but that's another story.
She was admitted to hospital early January,with severe diarrhoea, found out she only has one functioning kidney, severe heart problems etc etc, she was in for 5 weeks getting looked after, we had her s.s assessed re care at home, but she is refusing most of the help on offer.
Its so hard to try to get her to contemplate more help, I live in Spain so cant get back that frequently and she fights all attempts to make life easier for her. Its so hard when I speak to her and she tells me shes had enough and what's the point of eating, I can fully understand where she is coming from but want her to accept help to make her days nicer.
I have just come back from another visit with her and she refuses extra help and any suggestions to make her day to day life easier.
Not sure what more to do for her other than just talk every day and go when I can, she tells me shes just waiting to die. Very Sad, I feel for her and all your relatives and you all.

Oh costababe, how difficult and sad for you. Completely understand how you must feel. We only want to make life easier for them!!!
We are hoping that something may happen that means g'dad has to go into a home for a week, I think once he got in, he'd realise it was a good thing. I don't know what we'd need to do though to get him to agree to try!!

Oh I'm so sorry costa ,it must be hard being so far away .
I know from my mum and other elderly people how lonely and dull their lives are .
I'm sure if you sent her the odd thing in the post - a postcard ,little gift like a bar of soap ,hanky ,things like that - that it would really make her day .
You sound like a very caring niece ,I 'm sure you make her feel less alone .

Just do what you can with trying to get her to have even minimal help .
And maybe get her to sign a letter giving you permiossion to speak to her GP ?
I know I've found that helpful .

Good luck .

I'm 51 with a 93 year old MIL so this topic works for me either way.

Thank you 40, I was hoping the hospital would put her into a sort of half way type care, when she left hospital, but they deemed her able enough to go home. I think once she has been in a home for a week as you say re your gdad she might quite like it.
Ginger, thats a good idea to send a little something every week or so, my son does send her postcards and drawings, I think I will make that a regular thing, thanks for the idea.