Sad & Withdrawn DD - Please Help

[WoodRose]

My DD(5) is a gentle, quiet girl who is always happier in small groups. She went to a lovely, nurturing pre-school last year where she was one of the quieter children, but she was very happy and had a lovely group of friends.

She is just finishing her Reception Year and is utterly miserable and extremely anxious. She tells me that she is "sad in her heart" and becomes hysterical if she should get any sort of mark/ dirt on her or her clothes because "the children will laugh at me".

Her teacher has admitted that there are a number of "tricky" girls in the class. There is a group of 6 very confident "Queen Bees" who came from the same pre-school (not DD's)who have continued their power struggles at big school. These girls can be quite unpleasant to each other, but they have not been nasty to DD. However, she has observed their behaviour and is very anxious that she may be on the receiving end of it if she doesn't say or do the right thing or look the right way. As a result, she is very withdrawn and almost mute at school and very, very sad.

I spoke to her teacher to find out whether there was anything the school could do to bolster DD's self-confidence or give her strategies to cope at school. The teacher told me that they had put stategies in place to help DD, namely each morning asking for a volunteer to "look after" DD. Whilst I appreciate the teacher's efforts to help DD, I am a bit concerned that this may emphasise her "difference" and may further erode her self-confidence. DD's school isn't very good at helping less confident children, so I'm not really sure what I should be asking them to do to assist her. For our part, I have made an appointment with our GP to discuss DD's anxiety. I also ensure she has lots of playdates and lots of bolstering at home. Apart from this, I am at a complete loss as to how to help DD. It is breaking my heart to see her so sad and so unsure of herself.

Any suggestions as to what I or the school could do would be very gratefully received!

I think it is worth going in to see your Gp if you are concerned.

Also are there any other things that could have triggered off this unhappiness? i.e changes at home etc. It does sound like it goes much deeper than just the school environment.

I am not an expert... sorry to hear your DD isnt very happy at the moment. sorry Im not of much help but its interstiong to see the insight of others.

goodluck

If it doesn't resolve, I would look at changing schools. Not necessarily the school's fault, but sometimes children thrive amongst different groups of children.

Is there a school with a good reputation near you?

Many thanks for your replies.

Chinwag - there are a number of good schools in our area, but all are seriously oversubscribed with long waiting lists and miniscule catchments. We couldn't afford private, even if we could get her in. We love in London where private schools are VERY expensive and often highly competitive.

Sereka - DD is happy at home and relaxed and chatty when she has friends over to play. Our lovely collie dog died last month which was upsetting for everyone. However, her unhappiness and anxiety predates this. She has always been quiet and very gently, but was always happy and relaxed prior to starting school.

Woodrose - Occassional school places come up in all schools (especially in London). If you do decide that moving your dd is the best option - then you can contact any school and put your dd's name on the waiting list.

You mentioned that you can't afford private school fees - but lower cost option is to move your dd to a pre-prep just for a couple of years. Then move her back to state school in year 3. Obviously, this is only an option if you have a nurturing pre-prep locally. But, the smaller class size and extra support should help build her confidence.

How about inviting some of the "Queen bees" individually home for tea after school?
Perhaps a bit of intervention might help her confidence.

My youngest daughter was very quiet at school and then became quieter still after her father left us at 7yrs old.It really helped to get children round the house and almost nurture friendships.

Jackstarbright - our local pre-preps are very pressured. I'm also worried that we wouldn't get a year 3 place if we opted back into the state sector. DD is still on the waiting list for our first choice school - where most of her pre-school friends went. She is 26th on the waiting list, so I'm not holding out much hope for that one!

Jaffacake - I and other mums have invited the queen bees over to play and have always been knocked back. I think they and/ or their mums formed their friendships at the pre-school and they are not interested in broadening their circle. My DD and the few other girls who went to different pre-schools have been playing together, but very much on the fringe of things and very much in thrall to the Queen Bees.

How about joining something outside school ?
Like rainbows the young version of brownies they start at 5yrs old.
it sounds as though your little girl would enjoy a different group of children away fro school bullies.

I agree that you should avoid a pressured school. Though moving in year 3 is often made easier by some dd's going into private schools and class sizes being more flexible.

26 on a waiting list seems a lot. Normally, once pupils settle into their schools parents are less keen to move them. Is your first choice school very highly rated compared with other local schools? Is there a third school locally that's worth considering? These 25 waiting list kids must be at school somewhere - so any movement in the top school should free up a place elsewhere. It's too much to hope that the queen bees are above your dd on the waiting list - I suppose .

We have DD on the waiting list for Brownies as it is likely she will be 7 before any sort of opening comes up.

Jackstarbright - there are long waiting lists for the schools in this area because the school catchments are ridiculously tiny. Children on waiting lists are almost always those children who have been allocated a school on the other side of the borough which nobody wants or have just moved into the area. Oh, the joys of London schooling!

We are going to really focus on building her self-esteem this summer and I am trying to arrange a consultation with an Ed. Psych to give her some strategies for dealing with the playground.

If you think she would like it, put her on the waiting list for Rainbows too. Sometimes places come up unexpectedly. For example, last time one of my Brownies left, the 7th person on the list got the place because the first 6 had already decided to do ballet/gym/music on a Tuesday. So you never know. Also if you put her on the list, the local groups will know how many kids are waiting to get in and might lok at opening another group - or you could!

I know Rainbows isn't the answer to everything, but it is an opportunity to make friends outside school. But there are other ways to do this. Does she have any other activities she does out of school - ballet, etc.

I also think lots of nurturing of the non-queen-bee friendships will help because eventually they will become a 'group' all of their own and will support each other and won't feel so much like they are trying to get into the cool kids party.

D

Don't consider moving schools after reception, your DD will find her own way in the end with support from you. No one is being mean to her, are they, it's just her own character showing and as she matures she will find her niche. Not everyone can be a queen bee and I'm sure your DD is lovely. Bear in mind that she may choose to play with the younger children that will start school in September.

Hi

Instead of people helping her . What about the teacher giving her little jobs and being a class room helper. That might improve her confidence. Be a Buddy to a new person. Get sent on errands around the school etc. One thing my sons school did was run a little social skills group which helped alot. He ended up with a best buddy from the year above him. If your school has parent helpers coming in to do reading etc a little more 1-1 time might help. At school children suddenly become very anonymous.

Hello,

This is my wife's account. She is almost to the point of tears after reading the posts.

I have a different take on the situation and hope it will be positive for you; I feel a great affinity with your daughter and certainly felt sad and anxious at first school and wasn't a part of the 'it crowd'. My Mum was very concerned that I was reclusive and lonely.

In actual fact I despised the 'it crowd'. I was afraid of being picked on by them but I didn't want to be one of them either. I hated their stupid games and their bickering.

As the years passed I continued to be a bit of a loner (a huge surprise to anyone who knows me now) and may have appeared to be unhappy at school.

I set myself apart from the other kids and didn't really find a niche at all until I was in my early teens and then it wasn't with the children at school but with those I met in wind bands and brass bands. Up until this point I didn't feel I had anything at all in common with any other child.

The point for me was that I didn't fit in; I wasn't like them; I wasn't happy with them. When I was with a group that I felt were like minded all that changed. To this day I do not keep in touch with anyone from school but I am in contact with dozens of people through the bands I was a member of.

Coming up to date - it all worked out fine; I am MD of a company that I began 20 years ago, have a number of staff whom I work closely with every day - work is very sociable. I have a lovely wife and wonderful children. Life is great.

What I hope you glean from my story is that not being the same as all the other kids might not be too bad after all. I found my happiness in making music and before that I guess I looked pretty down in the mouth. I found something I was good at that the 'queen bees' didn't do (couldn't do!) and suddenly I had a much happier feeling in my heart.

I hope that your little girl can find the special thing that makes her happy and come alive too.

Would home education be an option for you? You say that your daughter was happy before starting school, so perhaps it just isn't the right sort of environment for her personality.

I think flussymummy's husband has a good point: not fitting in at school doesn't mean one will not enjoy a happy social life later. My story was rather similar to his; the moment I left school at 16, everything was fine for me. In fact, few adults I've met have behaved like the children and teens did at school. I think there is something about the school environment that can make children behave differently to how they would elsewhere.

However, even if social problems at school don't blight a child's life forever, it's a pity if she has to go through years of anxiety at school before emerging out the other side into the light of day.

I also wanted to pop my head over the parapet and say that if your child doesn't like school, they might thrive without school in their routine... (I speak as the parent of HEed children - that suits mine best - although I myself did fine at school socially and academically)

It doesn't feel right that a volunteer from her own class should be asked to look after her. Does the school not have a buddy scheme whereby an older child (in our case a year 6) looks after a reception child? Ds adores his buddy and I'm sure this has helped him to settle into school. Ds doesn't like to get his clothes wet and I'm sure if there were a clique like this in his class he would be equally sad and upset.

Seems terrible that a bunch of 5 year old girls could be unpleasant to each other! Even the 'difficult' children in ds' class don't seem like they would know how to be mean to each other, as opposed to act out. I would be worried about that if I taught at the school, presumably there is no way of splitting them up, i.e. one class per year?

I agree with Acanthus, though - she may find it gets better when she can befriend a new little one in next year's reception year. Very for you.