Do you encourage your child to be popular at school?

[LoveMyGirls]

Dd1 has got her induction day at secondary school today (eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkkkkk - I'm NOT old enough to be the mother of a child at secondary) I'm hoping she will find more friends there than she did at her previous school tbh because she had a best friend for about 2years but they fell out and other than that she hasn't had that many friends, hardly any that she is bothered about keeping in contact with.

I'm not looking for her to be the most popular girl in school but I'd like it if she can find some friends early on so they don't all form groups without her. Dd1 is quite shy and finds it hard to approach people, my advice before she went this morning was to say hi to as many people as she could and to smile a lot even though she feels nervous and scared inside, I said lots of children will feel the same infact probably all of them.

What else can I do to help her settle in?

Thanks

Encourage to be popular, bad bad thread title. I think you mean happy? So yes, I encourage my ds to be less negative in people and try and see the good.

My tip for my son, who had an induction day yesterday, was to ask people questions about themselves if he felt nervous.

I don't think that's true Pixie... one of my sons is very popular. I think it's just because he's good a football but he wouldn't dream of throwing friends away for others.
I also agree the thread title isn't quite right for your OP.
I think you've a said the right thing to your dd.
You can only encourage her to be open, friendly and receptive to people and then leave it. You mustn't project your own worries about her friends, or lack of, onto her.
She will find her own circle, in her own time.

I was rushing when I wrote the title, I don't think it's a bad thing to want your child to be liked and to have friends though.

I can see the stereo typical term "popular" conjures up the image of the cool kids I knew at school who people thought were their friends but weren't really as they would ditch them at the drop of a hat and steal their boyfriend and no I really don't want my daughter to be that type of "popular" child.

I just want her to feel happy and have some nice friends.

I've never had a child starting secondary school before and I'm worried about her settling in as any mum would be I think. I wasn't expecting to get berated for my title as you can see from my OP what I was getting at.

abr1de - thanks that's a good tip.
ingles - Thanks for saying i have said the right thing, I don't think I project my worries onto her though, these are things she has said to me and how she feels. I've always let her get on with it and listened when she's had fallings out with the girls from school.

I just want to be the best mum I can be for her

My DD1 started secondary last year and did not know anyone. Unfortunately, in the form she was put into all of the other girls came from the same school, which we thought would make it very difficult to make friends.

Induction day was awful. The form tutor who'd told us about the situation with the other girls was only able to be present in the morning, and in the afternoon a group of 3 girls who'd been friendly in the morning turned on my DD and told her to leave them alone. Cue 2 months of anxiety before school started in September!

On the way to school on the first day, we had a very frank chat about friendships. Although to be 'popular' seemed too ambitious at that stage, I asked DD to describe what she had liked about her friends at primary. We talked about what it was like to be friends, and how people achieved 'popularity' at primary school. DD concluded (for herself, which was helpful) that is was vital not to look 'needy' in the early stages - just to get on with doing things and talk to people as they joined it etc. She recognised that looking desperate for friendship was likely to end in disaster.

All went well in the end and although she has been through several different sets of friends she seems to be able to fit in and we've only had one trauma - probably not a bad tally for yr7!

Good luck with your DD - I hope she's had a good day.

Thank you Janey, that was exactly the kind of response I was hoping for when I started this thread. I'm sorry your DD had such a hard time of it though, especially having 2 months worrying leading up to it Your dd must be a very lovely, strong girl and I agree with what she said about getting on with things and not looking too needy. Thank you!

I encourage my children to be nice and friendly because it is nice for other people. If that results in them being popular then that's a bonus.

I don't think that that's in my control, but I encourage her to be nice to everybody and when she says 'so and so is my best friend' I encourage her to have lots of friends.

That was a good discussion to have with your DD janeyjampot.

I don't think it's a bad thread title, OP; being "popular" is a very big deal if you're chronically one of the least popular kids.

except that i think being popular and having lots of friends are two different things

Having lots of friends suggest that you just have lots of friends.
But the phrase 'popular' has negative connotations as it is often used by people to describe children who appear well liked but seem indifferent to it and chose friendships based upon fawning and selfishness.

I know that is not what the OP meant - but being popular , being a #cool kid' or Queen bee' is always used in connection with some children being vile to a child who seems isolated or lacking in confidence.

As it goes DS1 was very shy, DS2 is different anyway but DD is hugely popular. I don't know why. I really don't. But I encourage her to be nice to people, to value kindness and loyalty etc.
That ultimately is the thing that determines how many friends you have rather than how many people want to sit next to you IYSWIM

DD had her Induction Day and came back a little bit wobbly - ahd didn't make a friend in the group she was in as she obviously had thought she would. Janey's post is very helpful - I will be having a similar conversation with my DD!

I have always instilled in dd to treat others as she would want to be treated and to be open and friendly.
I have to say that the first 2 yrs at senior school involved a lot of chopping and changing of friendships which is entirely normal I believe .They eventually find their groups and settle down into stronger friendship groups that last.

You said the right sort of things. It takes a little time and you shouldn't put the onus on being popular, just hold back and ask casually how she's getting on when the time comes. People tend to find a niche.

Lovemygirls, how did her induction day go?

Thanks everyone, dd1 came back and has loved it, it went very well from what she has told me. She said she tried hard to say hi to people she didn't know, she asked a girl who was on her own to come and sit with her and a couple of others girls she already knew at lunchtime and wants to be her best friend already, she also said she met a couple of nice boys as well and is looking forward to tomorrow when she will meet lots more friends Mostly she said the lessons were really cool and the science teacher is lovely. Phew all that worrying and it was fine!

That sounds fantastic - well done on gearing her up.

DD said that a girl she knows said Hi to her all excitedly and then went on to practically blank her for the rest of the day. DD asked me what did it mean. I said that it was no reflection on DD, just that the girl was being a bit wierd and not to worry about it. She said she also overheard girls saying mean things about how other girls looked.

It's a dog-eat-dog world in Secondary School

That's horrible about the girls judging others on their looks, it is so true that kids can be cruel

I mentioned to dd1 that it's important to build friendships over time as well so she may say hi to people for a while before actually having a conversation, as I will often do that and make friends eg when a new person comes to toddler group I will say hi but then not know what else to say and after a few times of just saying hi we will get chatting and make friends slowly so maybe the girl your dd met today is like me and wants to make friends but doesn't know what to say?

Fingers crossed for another good day for Dd1 tomorrow, Dd2 has got her first taste of school tomorrow too as she starts in September, she's very outgoing though and although she won't know anyone at all I have a feeling she will find it very easy to settle in, it helps that she doesn't have any inhibitions yet I think.

teenage (and younger) boys and girls will make judgements on appearance the whole time. Part of the insecurities and tribal urges of young adults I'd've thought.