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Original poster

Persuading my 13yr old daughter to move schools

23 replies

Jazzy51 · 20/06/2010 18:59

Hi, this is my first day on this site and I need some advice. My daughter's school is not doing very well (teachers keep leaving) and she is now struggling with some subjects. I have got her a place at another school but she is refusing to leave her friends - what should I do?

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/06/2010 19:07

my initial thoughts are that its a really hard age to move schools at. did you not talk it through with her before you got her into another school?

my DD is the same age and is adamant she will not change school - i have a new job and its going to mean a commute for me - but its so important to her i couldnt take her out - she has a very well established network of friends who she loves, luckily the school is a good one. its a dilemma for you but maybe moving her at this stage could cause a bit of a back lash that leaves her in a worse position than at present?

have you thought about boosting her with a bit of private tuition? its not that expensive for an hour or so.

have you gone into school and spoken with them about your concerns?

Original poster

Jazzy51 · 20/06/2010 19:13

Hi VicarIna, yes I did talk to her about moving schools - she had to take an entrance exam and spent the day at the new school to get a feel for it - she has often expressed a desire to leave the one she's at but now she has an offer on the table she is getting major cold feet. Of course she worries about her friends and I get that and yes I could go down the private tuition route - but I wanted to offer her a school that could give her everything (her present is a state school and the other one is private). Don't know whether to leave her where she is or not.

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 20/06/2010 19:13

Have you taken her to the other school to have a look around and a chat? It is difficult at that age to see beyond friends.
Any chance of a friend doing the same?

piscesmoon · 20/06/2010 19:14

Sorry crossed posts.

ThatVikRinA22 · 20/06/2010 19:17

i just think its a really hard age to move at.

a child in DDs school has just come in from a private school - she just couldnt settle and ended up back where she would have gone had she not gone to private school.

i dont know - its a tough one. could she go back to the old school after a trial period (say 3 months?) if she really hated it? would that tempt her to try?

Original poster

Jazzy51 · 20/06/2010 19:21

she could - but she wouldn't be doing exactly the same subjects or with the same contents and she would then have to play catch up

OP posts:

piscesmoon · 20/06/2010 19:23

It is tricky because either way it could go wrong and you are the one to be blamed. VicarInaTuTu has a middle way-if it is possible. Not ideal but perhaps a compromise?

piscesmoon · 20/06/2010 19:24

You could gamble that she will settle and love it, but just leave her with the fall back-she may realise by then that it won't be easy to slot back in.

Original poster

Jazzy51 · 20/06/2010 19:37

I have a feeling that maybe I will have to leave her where she is and somehow find tutors for her when and if she needs them. I guess that this age isn't a very good one for moving schools.

OP posts:

whiteflame · 20/06/2010 19:55

I don't have a 13 year old, but moved schools at this age myself (from one I didn't like to one I did). Like your daughter, I didn't want to move, despite not liking the first school much.

In hindsight, I am so glad my parents moved me! My advice would be move her, and don't negotiate (i.e. just state that she is moving), or appear undecided to her. Also don't tell her there is an option of going back to the first school (even if there is) or she won't be committed to the new school.

She's too young to make major decisions about her education - she can't see past the initial social awkwardness of moving to see the long term benefits, which in this case seems to be decent, continuous teaching.

whiteflame · 20/06/2010 20:09

oh, and i also disagree that this is a terrible age to move schools. although perhaps not ideal in 13 yr old eyes it's really her last chance to do it before GCSEs, which ARE going to be important for her future. So it's now or never IMO.

Original poster

Jazzy51 · 20/06/2010 20:15

Thanks whiteflame - I had to change schools at 12yrs without any consultation and loved it eventually but remember only too well the constant stigma of being the new girl until finally some more girls turned up a year later. I guess, I'll just have to have a long talk with her present school and with my daughter...

OP posts:

whiteflame · 20/06/2010 20:17

yes, it's not nice at first being the new girl, and can totally understand why you dd doesn't want this. it IS a difficult decision. good luck to you both

BEAUTlFUL · 20/06/2010 20:24

I moved schools at 13 (from a really-bad girls' schol to a fab mixed school) and survived! She'll be absolutely fine.

piscesmoon · 20/06/2010 22:11

I think that she would be fine once she did it. I moved at 14yrs and although it was hard, I liked it much better once I got used to it. That is why I wonder if the idea of escape back would make it easier because she probably wouldn't want to. However it is a bit of a gamble.

Loshad · 20/06/2010 22:18

We moved Ds2 in september- he'd just turned 14 and was going into Y10 - it was hard for him to start with but has been absolutley the right thing to do, he made friends relatively quickly, has done really well academically, and more importantly is much more settled, calm and at ease with himself.
If you really feel it is the right thing to do then i would suggest you present it with enough sweeteners/insist (dependent on your parenting style) that she agrees to do so. Don't think either of you will regrest it later on.

BornInTheLGI · 20/06/2010 22:21

When your DD is 30, will she be glad she stuck with her friends (whom she probably will long since have lost contact with) even if she's lucky to have a job in McDonalds, or will she be glad that you gave her the chance to get a good education before it was too late?

Which of those two outcomes would you rather try to give her?

sue52 · 20/06/2010 22:24

A private school should be able to arrange a taster day for your DD. A good school will ensure that she is assigned a couple of fellow classmates to look after her. If she has seen the school and meet the pupils it wont seem as scary. 13 year olds are adaptable so you must ultimately decide what is best.

nooka · 20/06/2010 22:30

If you think that she is likely to fail academically where she is now then you should move her. You need to be very clear to her what your reasons are, give her lots of reassurance and then just do it. Don't present it as being her choice, I think it is unfair to expect a 13 year old to take responsibility for their education, and if you override it then you will have an issue with future lack of trust. My sister moved her ds at this age for similar reasons and he has done very well, made much better friends and has now completed an IB and is getting ready to go off to university. I don't think he has any regrets, but he did really not want to make the move, and was very angry with his parents for a long time because they presented it as a choice and then when he decided he didn't want to move, moved him anyway.

So have that talk but make it really clear to her if you have decided the outcome, that what you are discussing is how to help her settle in, support you will offer, how she can stay in contact with existing friends, even rewards/bribery if necessary etc.

whiteflame · 20/06/2010 22:37

i agree with bornintheLGI & nooka.

is your dd normally quite reserved and nervous about trying new things? or is she usually confident? just wondering if she REALLY doesn't want to move, or is just apprehensive (understandably)?

if just apprehensive then i think you need to appear extra confident and assertive about the move (if you decide to go with it), so that she doesn't get too worked up and worried, and sees that she CAN do it.

cremeeggs · 21/06/2010 16:49

I'm facing this same decision for DD aged 9 - friends vs chance at a decent education and hopefully some GCSEs. I don't envy you - it's excruiatingly difficult to decide for a 9-year old so must be even harder for a 13 year old.

Ultimately though I believe i have a duty to try to find the best education for DD - as Borninthe says, which outcome will she thank you for?

minipie · 21/06/2010 17:03

Is there a way she can meet some of the pupils at the new school? I expect not knowing anyone is a lot of what's scaring her.

piscesmoon · 21/06/2010 18:05

I think that I would just go for the change. At 14yrs I changed, my parents explained why, and really I knew that it was for the best.I didn't have the option not to, which was just as well because at that age I would have stuck to the safe and friends. After about a term I actually was much happier at the new one with a wider circle of friends. If you are really unhappy with her present one then I would go for it. I think that minipie has a good idea-any chance of meeting?

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