ds HATES school ... don't know what to do ... (long, sorry)

[basildonbond]

ds2 (10) has never been particularly happy at school, but this year (y5) it's got much, much worse.

He says he doesn't like his teacher, he finds the work both boring and hard, many of the other kids are annoying and they don't like him, he gets picked on etc etc

At home, he's constantly crying over the slightest thing and it's taking him longer and longer to get ready in the morning as he's elevated dragging his feet to an art form. He's also started wetting himself pretty much every day at school (just leaking but god it smells by the end of the day) - he's had long-term constipation problems but this is new this year. He has mild asperger's and dyspraxia and somehow has a statement (which seems to pay for some of an LSA who's used by 3 or 4 other kids in the class, but doesn't seem to help ds2).

He does have a stable group of 5 friends, but two of them have fallen out with each other and the others tend to be 'best friends' with ds on the periphery. He finds it hard to make new friends and can be quite 'odd' in unfamiliar situations. He's quite vulnerable to being bullied as he's exceptionally tall and stick thin so stands out, walks and runs awkwardly and over-reacts to teasing etc

He's in the top ability groups but seems to have lost confidence this year and keeps saying he's no good at anything.

Tonight he was sobbing again saying he hated school, that there was nothing about it he enjoyed and that he wanted to change schools right away. Now, if I thought that changing schools would be the anwer, I'd move him in a flash, but I think he's going to come up against the same issues in any school, and wouldn't have the support of his friends.

I've talked to his class teacher who's very brisk and no-nonsense and says she's not noticed anything wrong, but he is really, genuinely unhappy and I feel awful ... I don't know what the answer is - or even if there IS an answer (and no, I'm not going to HE - I work part-time, dh is away most of the time and I need some time apart from him - also I think he'd suffer socially as he's the kind of child who needs to see people every day before getting comfortable enough with them to make friends)

what would you do??

Im not an expert on this but I believe its usual for children to begin to doubt themselves at this age and coupled with all the playground peer problems its all blowing up out of context.

Clearly H.E isnt for you so you need to address each problem seperately - ds has a statement so that means you should be having regular meetings to discuss his IEP so this might be a good time to speak about the social differences hes experiencing and the work hes doing -is it appropriate to him?

Toileting issues where once there were none is a bit harder,it cant be pleasant for your ds to be a bit whiffy round the gusset so can you address this perhaps with the GP and maybe a fresh pair of undies for lunchtime?

I think you need to speak to the class teacher and make sure she understands your son has needs that arent being met despite there being a financial support.

If hes aspie and dyspraxic would it be worthwhile seeking some info from a support group would a reward system work for him? would the happy face/sad face system work?

Does he understand the concept of time?
can you break the schoolday into 3 bitesize chunks for him so he can 'feel' the day moving along -my dc who dont have the same issues as your son used to use the 1-2-3 (hours) until lunch 1-2-3 hometime thought-it helped them see the day in chunks.

It could well be that hes finding it difficult to 'file' his feelings and you know perhaps he feels his 'differences' more than you realise - perhaps a referal to cahms might help.

Parenting is very hard without these exttra strains but im sure that you will resolve this very worrying problem.

Sorry to hear you've not had support of the school. My DS went through a phase of being very unhappy at school in Y2, and the teacher was fab. He basically said, 'he's well behaved and bright, and he should be enjoying school more than he is'. Some of the teachers had a meeting to try and come up with a plan and they introduced some small measures to help him in the day (eg: he and a couple of other good readers went to read to nursery children for a while on some afternoons).

And this was a child with no SN - he's just sensitive and didn't like the structure of school.

We talked to him about what was making him unhappy, and we really tried to change things - even daft stuff like he wasn't allowed to choose sandwich for school lunch , and took him out of after-school club where he went once or twice a week. In other words we changed what we could change.
Obviously there's a huge difference between a 6 year old and a 10 year old, but I still think the school should be taking this more seriously.

So sorry to hear this. I have no experience of this age but bumping for you. I'd suggest bumping this yourself tomorrow morning when the daytime crowd are around.

He's going to have to go off to High School in 16months, anyway, right?

I empathise, I have a 10yo yr5 DS with some similar issues. HE not an option for us, either.

My plan is to put DS into a small private school that goes from age 3-16; it's not a driven academic private school, they try to provide quality teaching and cater for individual needs. Do you have any options like that?

Cantsupinate that sounds really good.

How did you discover this school?

It makes me sad that a lot of children with differences will never experience the 'joy' of learning in school alongside peers,school nowadays is so competetive.

I would try to keep him in the school, but make things better for him.

I think giving him power where you can could help, like when he does his homework (before or after tea), what sport or activity he would really like to do after school(might be something he´s not doing now, lots of boys this age like martial arts, if they are not keen on team sports).

It doesn´t sound too bad to me, but it´s hard for you!

He has friends, so moving him is not great. I would really talk to the teacher again, and mention that you are very concerned. Don´t downplay it.

Hi BasildonBond,

Re your comment:-
"He has mild asperger's and dyspraxia and somehow has a statement (which seems to pay for some of an LSA who's used by 3 or 4 other kids in the class, but doesn't seem to help ds2)".

What did Part 3 of his Statement specify in terms of support?. The above should not be happening at all, the additional support provided in the Statement is for him alone.
That needs addressing pronto.

When is the next annual review being held?. I would call an emergency review if the review is not taking place within the next month.

Have a look at IPSEA's website as well as this could be helpful to you www.ipsea.org.uk. Seek outside advice from independent organisations like for insance IPSEA, SOS:SEN, the NAS and ACE.

Also you may want to post your initial post on the Special Needs: Children section (the SEN part of the Education section has far less traffic on it) of this website as their replies could be helpful too.

Word of mouth, Nickschick.

Would you consider helping him with NDD treatment? It can be of huge benefit to children & adults who suffer with aspergers, dyslexia, dyspraxia amongst other things. This is one organisation that treats people but there are others out there www.inpp.org.uk/ I know of a very good practioner in Windsor who has helped my dc loads.

In the short term the school is being pretty appalling. I would ask to see the HT and explain how unhappy your son is and ask for their strategy on how they are going to help him. If you still don't get anywhere then put it in writing to the head and copy to the governers.

How are his constipation issues because that could be causing the wee problems too.

Sorry no useful advice, just wanted to say he sounds so like my DS who managed to 'survive' primary school, but is so much happier and his confidence is growing now where H'edding. I know this not an option for you. I would be looking ahead if I were you to find the right school for him for year 7.

thanks everyone - typically he's been a bit happier today! had a friend round for tea and has been very sweet and affectionate but even so we've still had some tears

we've just had his annual review - his teacher wasn't there - iwll try to get another meeting with her - although I've now been in a couple of times already this year and they say he seems fine albeit with his recognised problems

he's already going to hte paediatric continence clinic - he's supposed to be drinking regularly but he always comes back with his water untouched and his teacher says he's reluctant to drink if no-one else is so doesn't push it

he's had a referral to camhs - they just confirmed the diagnosis and haven't offered anything other than more speech and language input at school to help with social skills

tbh I don't think any school anywhere will really suit him - but I just hate him being so miserable