Private vs Public, Help please!

[DomesticG0ddess]

Firstly, I know this is a decision that only we can make, but I really want to hear some other opinions! We moved out of London to a small village on the coast in Hampshire. It has a "Good"-rated primary school that a lot of people seem very happy with. There are also some excellent private schools in the area, one rated "Outstanding" (for kindergarten, can't seem to find the rest of the results) which is v close by too. It seems to be a fantastic school; 50% of it's pupils go on to get scholarships and 95% go to school of their choice.

Both my DH and I went to state school and "turned out fine". My husband has a good job in London, and I have had an interesting range of jobs, though definitely nothing one could call a career. I thought my school was rubbish and I had no guidance from anyone, parents or teachers, so I often wonder what "might have been". So I have always felt deep down that I would like DS to go to a private school and have the opportunities that I didn't have.

Now my husband has expressed the same thoughts, having always been against it for several reasons, mainly financial, which I also completely agree with:

• he would have to keep working in London for much longer and therefore not be around as much
• we would have less money to spend on cool, horizon-expanding holidays
• would we be turning our backs on the community, which we like being a part of, and would the other local mums I know who are going to the state school think we were completely stuck-up/wealthy??
• our son seems v bright and would probably be fine in the local school

Is there any guarantee that a private school is going to provide a better education??

There are so many factors to consider. He's 3 now and if he was going to go to the private one I would want to put his name down for the Kindergarten in Sept, even if just to combine with the local preschool for a year and see how it went.

How do other people make such massive decisions??

You and your DH have to make the decision,but everything you say suggests that your son will do absolutely fine in the state school, and your quality of life overall as a family will be better.

Yes, we had to make the same decision for our twins and have happily registered them in our top choice private school.
This was the right decision for us.

I live in Hampshire on the coast too can I ask what area you are looking at , as I know a fair few teachers friends + DH so might be able to offer some advice

that should read the teachers I know are my friends plus Dh is one .. not I know loads of friends of teachers.. sorry bad night!

I doubt you get a lot of unbiased info on here as this is bound to set off the state vs private debate that forever rampages across Mumsnet. I am sure your son will do well wherever he goes. It feels like monumental decision but you will 95% likely feel you have the right decision which ever one you make. Quality family time is not to be underrated. Education has changed a LOT since you were at school ih terms of what goes on so try not to let your own experience influence your decision.
Good luck

Good points there.

MN is not representative of RL - there seem to be a much bigger proportion of privately educated people, and people who use private for their own kids.

And I agree that education has changed loads over recent years. My own school was a fairly mediocre comp, with no setting, all mixed ability etc(though having said that I still did fine). Comprehensives now set by ability, a lot have returned to more traditional uniform (blazers etc) and have head girl/boy roles etc. The top sets at my kids' school is more like how I imagine a grammar school would have been - very different to my own experience. So try not to let your own experience colour things too much.

'both my DH and I went to state school and "turned out fine". My husband has a good job in London, and I have had an interesting range of jobs, though definitely nothing one could call a career. I thought my school was rubbish and I had no guidance from anyone, parents or teachers, so I often wonder what "might have been". '

You're giving a mixed message here, saying your education was fine, although you don't actually have 'a career' and might have appreciated more guidance.

A good private secondary school will definitely do this for your children.

A good school will do it. That's not a private/state issue. It did it for the OP's DH presumably.

As a privately educated parent of privately educated DC - my 2p-worth would be to go and look, long and hard, at the actual options in front of you rather than worrying about the principles involved - and also to remember that the choice you make now (primary school) is not for ever - you could re-assess (in either direction) at any stage up to and including the move to secondary school (it does get harder after that).

FWIW - our own "decision" was one we fell into, rather, because the nursery of the local private school was the obvious choice for DS when we moved here. They bumped him up into reception (with our agreement, clearly) and he was then so happy and settled and thriving that we couldn't bring ourselves to move him. We were always planning on private secondary education, though - and in that there is a huge factor of what you describe as "what might have been" involved on DH's side - he has a good job/career, has done well, etc, but looks back on his (mediocre at best, state) education and thinks he could have done much more given the opportunities - and he wants very badly to give our DC those opportunities. It's not especially rational, IMHO, but it is very real to him and he is largely paying the fees!

How about going to visit the local state school and the private school you're thinking of and getting a feel for both of them while there? The Ofsted/private equiv. grading is only one aspect and you might get a stronger sense of what you want to do after visiting them both. My DS goes to a state infant, and bar winning the lottery the state system is where we'll stay. We did consider private vaguely and probably could've stretched to it for DS1 but not for DS1 and DS2. So I guess that might be another consideration if you've another child or are planning another child at some stage?

I really do not think there is any other way than going out to look at actual, real, physical schools.

A good state school will give good career guidance. A good private school will give good career guidance. A bad private school or a bad state school will not be as ...errr...good.

..and when you do go and look, bear in mind that the head of a private school is running a business and is therefore likely to be doing a better 'sales' job on you than the head of a state school (no reflection on their relative abilities, merely that they are doing different jobs) - so you may have to deduce for yourself qualities in the state school(s) which will be very clearly pointed out to you in the private school(s).

highjacking thread a bit. I find it difficult to trust my "instincts" when visiting schools. We had a problem with dc when going to nursery; 1 looked much better on paper AND on visiting, but dc hated that one (lot of crying etc)and loved the other.

Although I'm a bit antisocial, I like to "social" bit of dc going to local state primary school, always loads of children about (BUT dc actually plays more after school with the only child who does NOT go to the local school....)

Anyway, same problem coming up choosing for sec school...We had a look at some schools but I feel lot of effort are being put on showing us all the facilties available, but I still don't know how they actually are.

Thanks for your opinions. I do go to the local school on a weekly basis as DS's preschool is on the same grounds and I have spoken mums who have older kids there. I haven't yet visited the private one we are thinking of. However, DS currently also goes to a kindergarten at a private school, because like you stealthsquiggle, DS was in nursery when I worked 2 days a week, then went up to Kindergarten, so he has ended up doing 2 sessions a week at each place which has worked fine, but I was going to stop it at the end of the summer term, then DS has another year of preschool. So I do see the difference between state/private school behaviour and it is different, even at 3/4 years old.

I think that both my husband and I could have done so much more had we had a better education. But at the same time, we both come from backgrounds where we were just left to "get on with it" and we wouldn't be those sorts of parents. But as a result we speak no language other than english, play no musical instruments, etc etc.

I agree re: the sales job, I was told to try and go on a regular day, rather than an Open Day to really see what is going on?

Zam72, I am 12 weeks pregnant, so that is another dilemma. How can we possibly do it for 2? Maybe that is the deciding factor. I had a miscarriage in January though and we haven't really been considering the second child because we don't want to get our hopes up.

But to get a great education in a state school do you need to be a super pushy mother with extra sessions coming out of the kids' ears???

Lleytonsmummy, sorry did not see your post - we live nr Lymington, primary school is Milford on Sea and the private one we were thinking of is Durlston Court.
violethill you make very good points and I totally agree with the family time thing, this is my biggest concern.

It sounds as though you couldn't afford private for 2 DC - apologies if that is a false assumption.

That being so, IIWY, I would go for the best state option at primary level, use any spare cash to enable your DS to (in due course) take extra opportunities like music lessons if he wants to and you want him to (don't forget, those would be an extra cost at private schools as well) and save anything you can to try and ensure that you have the choice of private at secondary level, should you choose to take it. I don't think you have to be super-pushy mother with loads of extra sessions to get the most out of it - just engaged parents who are interested in their child's education and as involved with the school as time allows.

If it makes you feel better, a friend who is the head of a large private school (incl prep and pre-prep) told me that there is not a big gap between a bright state-educated child and a bright privately-educated child at 11 (and he has significant over-subscription for his places at 11, so he is making decisions between the two all the time) - the gap, in his (not unbiased) view, opens up after that - so his recommendation would be always to prioritise private secondary education if that is an option.

We could afford it if DH kept on working at the same company (presuming he does not lose job!), got promoted again, etc, for longer than we have planned.

That does make me feel better, and I agree that perhaps the money is better spent later on, and if DC's get are not doing so well, etc.

Thanks!

Hello Domestic Goddess again (Milford deemed too far by DH). I am only sending my children to private school as I have and will keep quite a big capital/cash buffer just in case plus investing in shares now to pay for secondary school fees in 10+ years time. I would not want to rely 100% on monthly income alone to pay for school fees. If one of you gets sick, loses job - you don't want to have to pull them out or face the stress. Fees increase much higher than inflation plus there are lots of extras.

Main factors for us to send our kids private - class size (my DD would not cope well in a class of 30), much more sport and music plus less inteference by government on SATs and curriculm.

Me and Dh did view Durlston for their nursery for DS1 also Ballard too we had the whole school tour for both.. I admit Durlston has such a lovely atmosphere and the facilities are great . The headmaster seemed very friendly and all the kids lovely HOWEVER I do think you are lucky to live in a good area with a variety of good state schools. Come secondary you have Outstanding schools to choose from highcliffe, Twynham , plus more Lymington way is Priestlands and then Bournemouth Grammars. I honestly think that I would stay in the state system but that?s just my opinion

Personally I would keep all options open at this stage, I would have a couple of days at private and a couple of days at state a week. See if state school is offered, if it is and is a good state school go for that. If don't get the state school of choice at least have back up plan. Gives you a couple of years to decide what your dh's work/life balance is going to be.

Just for the pedant - private and public school are the same thing.

Family time is over rated, everyone I know who works less hours to spend time with the family seems to spend it in front of the TV or online.
It also depends how much ferrying around to after school clubs you are prepared to do and the child will put up with to top up the gaps in state school.
My three are enjoying sport for the first time at private school, they still run like they have lead in their shoes but it's all very inclusive, sitting out isn't an option and that happened a lot in their state school, the fat kids sat watching with a "tummy ache" and my eldest was starting to think it was a good idea/option for her
They are also pushed more which for bright and average children I think is a good thing, mine were lazy at state, it's not an option when there's only 16 of you under the teachers watchful eye.

Who ever wins the election the money that has been thrown at schools for the last 10 years isn't going to be there and IMO the powers that be when they make their cuts will have their priorities all wrong.