Day pupils at boarding school

[octopio]

Hi, just wondering if anyone here has direct experience (through themselves or children) of being a day pupil at a predominantly boarding school. The ratio of the school I'm thinking of is about 50 day pupils out of a total of 600, which seems on the low side compared to a lot boarding schools.

It works out at less than 10 day pupils per year in the senior school. Do you think this would cause problems with friendships etc in the teenage years? Other than that it's a very good school, which we could get a large fee reduction at due to DH's potential job as a teacher there.

Hi. My DS is a day boy in a school which is 90% boarding. When he first joined he had a bit of a problem getting his head round it. He used to go home ASAP every night because he could, because he knew the others couldn't. A few years down the line and he is much more relaxed - and it is me saying "are you coming home yet?"

How it pans out for your DC could depend on a lot of things: how close to the school will you live, how far away do the boarders live (a lot of ours are local), will your DC have out-of-school interests where they make out-of-school friends, what personality are they (boarders have to be self-reliant and robust- will your DC fit in with that).

Do you have DD or DS? Do you have more than one (i.e. are the follow-ons likely to be day or boarding?) Will your DH's job evolve to include the boarding aspect?

One of the things that you need to consider is that day students may sometimes feel quite left out in friendship groups because the boarders are together all the time - day students can feel they miss out on gossip and fun that goes on after they've left for the night, for example.

I work in a boarding school and many of our day students do their homework at school, for example - so staying until about 9 pm - while others end up being weekly boarders and just go home at weekends. Be prepared for requests to do this!

I boarded at a school where they had both boarders and non- boarders; not sure what the ratio was. I am ashamed to admit that I didn't get to know any of those who didn't board, just due to the fact that the bond between those boarding is so strong.

However, this does not mean to say that it would prove difficult for your dc; I imagine there is also a good bond between non-boarders.

How near do you live? I was a day pupil at a boarding school, but lived in the village 10 mins walk away. I used to regularly be at school 8 am - 5.30 pm, pop home for tea, then return to school (for drama/music rehearsals, choir or just socialising), 7pm ->

Lots of our day pupils would stay after school for activities and would book in for tea. I only went home for tea because it was so close!

We also had Saturday morning school, and sports fixtures Wed and Sat afternoons. So I practically lived there really.

Loved it!

If the school lets you do home boarding this might be the answer (i.e. prep and supper at school).

What provision does the school have for day pupils? Do they have their own house? Do they stay for supper, prep and activities?

DH was a day boy at a predominantly boarding school. He did feel he missed out.

We are putting DS in same school from 2011 as a day boy but the ratios have changed hugely and it is now predominantly day with some boarders.

There is only one day house and about 8 boarding houses. I have heard that the day pupils start to request more time at school, starting with doing prep there and then moving on to flexi-boarding. Not sure how I feel about this- I never really fancied boarding school for them (2 DS, 4 years apart) to be honest, but feel they could be sucked into it all gradually. I sort of worry that they could be taken over by the school- the Saturdays are bad enough! DH not intending to get involved directly in the boarding side of things, beyond required extra clubs/activities.

What concerns me is that, having researched boarding schools, most seem a lot more 50/50 in their boarding/day ratios or are more day schools with about a quarter boarders. This one is a full on boarding school- and mine would be part of a small minority. I don't want them feeling like outcasts. The strange thing is that the prep school (up to age 13) is the other way round with 90% day and 10% boarders so I don't quite understand how it all flips at age 13.

I was a day girl at a predominantly boarding school. While everyone was reasonably friendly towards each other,day girls tended to have close friendships with other day girls and boarders with boarders. This was because as a day girl it was impossible to have the intensity of friendship that boarders had with one another, simply because they lived with each other.

I was thinking about all of this earlier this week and (if we ever won the lottery) I would not send a child of mine as a day pupil to a boarding school for exactly this reason.

My experience was exactly the same as Neolara's. I did board for fourth term and subsequent in the sixth form

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Our school has the day boys spread throughout the Houses, not a separate House for them. I can imagine that might be weird. How does it work if the boys want to go boarding - do they have to change House.

Our day boys get included in things by means of the inter-House Cup whereas your inter-House Cup (assuming that you have one) would drive an even further wedge.

My DS is quite sporty which always helps with general popularity amongst other boys (irrespective of what sort of school we are talking about) and there is a close bond within the team. Are your DSs sporty or do some similar team thing eg orchestra?

My experience of a boarding school (as a boarder) with about 20% day boys was that daya boys really did not participate fully in school life. The life of a boarding school goes on 24/7. A lot of the good stuff happens after 3.30p.m and at weekends.

However.....

We are considering sending our boys as day pupils to a boarding school but as day boys. We are doing this deliberately but we intend to live very close to the school and fully encourage our boys to immerse themselves in school life - as if they were boarders.

We like the boarding school ethos but also want to see our boys every day so we can monitor what they are doing and give them support if they need it.

Best of both worlds we hope....

I think there are some rooms available in the day house for staying over, for example after sports events/drama rehearsals but essentially it's a separate house for the day pupils. I actually thought this was maybe a good thing, as at least there would be some sort of day pupil grouping.

Abetadad, do you think it makes a big different to live very close to the school? I was thinking of doing this anyway, but it almost seems a bit pointless if they are going to be getting back at 9pm or later. I'm definitely the kind of mother who wants daily involvement with her children- maybe boarding school even as a day pupil isn't for me.

Another worry is that even the small number of day pupils seem to be spread over quite a wide area, hence very few local friends.

Our view is that our boys will have more friends who are boarders than day boys so livig next to the school would be good. That is the way they will get most out of school. We want daily involvement with our DSs too but the option of occassional daily or weekly boardng is something that also excites our DSs.

They will be getting home at 7.3pm I would think as boarders tend to migrate to boarding houses around that time.

One of the other advantages we see is that they would do homework (Prep) at a school in a proper set period when all the other pupils would be doing theirs so there would be none of the nagging to get teenage DSs to do their homework.

At my school the day pupils were spread over a wide area, so being so close to school meant often friends would come home with me for tea, or whilst waiting for boarders to do prep, before going back together for choir rehearsals or theatre, or whatever.

I was a day pupil for a short while at a school where there was 1 other day pupil. Didn't work at all and i ended up weekly boarding and even then missed out on friendships due to the bonding that happened on bored sundays etc. I didn't want to be full time but didn't particularly enjoy being part time either.

"One of the things that you need to consider is that day students may sometimes feel quite left out in friendship groups because the boarders are together all the time - day students can feel they miss out on gossip and fun that goes on after they've left for the night, for example.

I work in a boarding school and many of our day students do their homework at school, for example - so staying until about 9 pm - while others end up being weekly boarders and just go home at weekends. Be prepared for requests to do this! "
Agree with this 100%

It sounds like being in a boarding school environment, even as a day pupil, takes over family life.
It seems quite an intense all or nothing existence, with full on long days (and maybe even requested nights/weeks!)during term time, and then extra long holidays. Does anyone with experience of boarding schools feel that the parents are pushed out a bit?
I was at a horse event yesterday with lots of very posh, obviously public school teenagers, and they just seemed so identical, in the way they spoke, dressed and moved (much more so than state school teens I know). I sort of feel like my children would be taken over if I sent them to this school, or am I being paranoid?
Thanks for all posts.

We can't really advise, octo, it depends what your alternatives are. Our local comp was very uninspiring and I am incredibly grateful that I have the chance to send my DS to a school that he enjoys so much. Whether you get 'pushed out' depends on the school: ours is very good with its parental relationships. I find your lack of enthusiasm strange considering that this is the place that your DH is going to work - can't he reassure you about the school?

It seems that your DS are quite young and I remember my DC at that age: mothers tend to be a bit PFB and fearful of Secondary schools but you have to look beyond that and try to envision how their life will be as teenagers.

Thanks oshgosh, yes, I think I would prefer Dh to get a job at a private day school rather than public boarding, but life does always work out exactly as planned and the alternatives are complicated.

Does anyone have any views on the low ratio (50 out of 600) day to boarders? Is this particularly low by today's standards or not unusual?

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Re earlier posts about cloning children....! - the fact is that at boarding school, they are there for such a huge amount of time in intense little units, that it's pretty impossible not to all end up the same....same accents, same mannerisms, same clothes etc etc. How could you not be influenced by those you are living, working and playing with? It'll only happen again when they go to Uni or into work, and they'll morph into clones of their new friends there too.
I would say that you need to be prepared to let your kids "almost" board ie, picking them up late, taking them in at weekends for sports matches, socials etc. The ratio seems high on the boarding front and so the school will be catering to keep the boarders happy and entertained around the clock. Your kids may feel like they are missing out.
DH's school took boarders and day in almost equal numbers and he was still there Sat am for lessons and pm for sports games, and later afternoons etc (maybe doing prep at school). I was at boarding school, with a couple of day children just starting to be taken, and I would not have wanted to be them....they would have missed out on sooooo much!

Thanks, very helpful posts. I know I'd feel a lot more relaxed about it if the ratio was more 50/50.