Hubs putting big pressure on daughter about school tests

[tonyee]

Our daughter will do the 11+ exam next year n my husband is obsesssed with which are 'the best schools', how hopes she will do well enough to get into 'X school' (what he considers the hardest, best school) etc...'all your homework and tests better be perfect from now on!'. I think you have to encourage kids to do their best but not make a big deal!

He also talks to her about whose kids we know who are in the really good 'X' school and the sister or brother who only got into the less good 'Y' school. Why should children even think about this stuff? Then they think of other kids in terms of who is 'smarter' and judge. I think it's wrong. We didn't go to the best schools. Is it a status thing for people who get so wound up about schools?

Money is tight for us so maybe he thinks as we are paying for private schools we should get the most bang for the buck. Have any of your husbands done the same? Maybe I should relax?

My dh hasn't and I'd be furious if he did. Our dd is (IMO) brighter than many in her class. OTOH, she is at an International school where the teaching language is English. It's her first language unlike several of her peers.
Whie both me and DH would like to see her reach her full potential, realistically I don't think we will. She is lazy. I think we both know that pushing her will send her the other way. Can you ask your dh to lay off her a bit. I know that education is important, but so is having fun.

Your dh would get on well with mine.
He had a crap education 9but has done very well) and though I know it stems from his own shortcomings, I have told him to button it.

Have you asked him to take an NVR test....?

Thanks for feedback all! The DH HAS done NVR tests, he gets into all this stuff. Just took one of our daughters school books on a biz trip to read n loved it. Hmm!

Ahh, it was pretty fun when I grew up, I went to a good school but it was right near our house. I asked my parents about switching 'I'm not driving an extra 5 minutes everyday! Are you nutz?'. Much more relaxed in those days about education. Seems to get harder and harder for a child to be a child these days, so competitive. Sad really. At least in the cities. I wonder how different it is in the country...

I would ask your husband what he type of relationship he would like with his daughter, if he continues in this manner she may end up hating him. This sort of behavior can damage parent child relationship irreparably.

But if he wants an anxious child with low self esteem, possibly with great results from a 'good' school then he's doing the right thing.

If he wants a happy daughter, who loves him and has a healthy adult relationship in the future he needs to change his behavior now.

You as her mother have a duty to protect your child from distress and unhappiness even if that means going against your husband, if I was in that position I would be telling my DH that his behavior is abusive and if he can't change it then he will have to leave the family home.

People in the country are exactly the same as those in the city, human nature does not change due to location.
There are good schools, bad schools, elite schools, state Vs Independent in the country too.

Thanks so much for that. I think you have a very good point. Plus after all the talk of getting into this one particular school, if she does not get in she will feel like a failure forever!! Plus that school is totally wrong for her I think anyway, very A type competitive, she is quiet and low key, not pushy at all. She's be a shrinking violet there I bet!
AAck! I'll have to administer a good talking to....

Sorry to say this ,but is your husband aware of how competitive girls can be ?
How they can become perfectionists?
And how common it is for this type of personality to develop anexoria ?