Unhappy 5YO DS at school, Help pls!!

[JoCoolBeans]

For ages now my DS would be happy enough going to school but once we get to his classroom he refuses to go in and gets upset and needy, the teacher has had to drag him in crying a few times as he wont go and in and sit down and if we walk him to his desk he doesnt want us to leave.

It's his first year at primary school, a big deal i know but he went to playschool the year before.

Then when my DP was discussing his progress report with his teacher she said he was doing fine in most areas but not doing well socially and sometimes just doesnt want to pay attention to the teacher.

Then she went on to mention that she's found him alone in the playground lots of times during break and lunch and he has came to her several times and told her that he feels really lonely.

Admittedly, there's only 7 in his class. 2 other boys and him. She says that most of the time 2 boys will play which leaves the other one out and they change who's left out from day to day. I think DS is left out mostly.

DS also went to play school with these kids. The vast majority of his play school friends went to another local religious school (we're not really a religious family) about 5 mins further than DS's school and he often says he misses them too.

It makes me want to cry just thinking about him being so lonely at school and that maybe this is were all the problems are coming from. The teacher said today to DP that he lashed out at another boy in class today and was basically telling DP to discipline him (which we have). But i think this is because if i were DS and someone didnt want to be my friend and i was painfully lonely i wouldnt want to be nice to them either.

DP is going to have another chat with DS's teacher in the morning and hopefully not get "ummed" and "ahhed" at and fobbed off again.

I believe that social interactions should at least be encouraged at school and not just education. Lets face it, it was the social side that made me feel good about being there and made me confident enough to do the work i was given.

I've always maintained that the most important thing you can give a child is self esteem and i always try to encourage and praise him and love seeing him achieve and be happy.

But all i see when i ask my son to do his homework is a little upset boy with no confidence left like it's all been taken out of him during the day. He hardly wants to look at it. It just makes him upset, its not like it's hard HW and something he cant do but he had absolutely no confidence to even look at it.

He's a smart boy and he has been quite sick and missed some school recently but i think everyone has made "clics" and he's just not in one.

DP is going to tell the teachers to encourage him socially because we cant be there to do it ourselves.

If it doesnt improve dramatically i'll be ringing up the other school and asking them if they have a free space for him starting P2 in Sept. But they have full classes. Which is why i think he'd have more friends and not be pushed out so much.

I just don't know what to do. I've personally given up/cant stand talking to his P1 teacher because she makes it out to be nothing.(This has been a know problem for sometime and i have spoken to the teacher about it before)

I seriously need some guidance about this. I dont think i have anyone who i could talk to about this who would understand.

I know this is long winded and thank you for reading this.

What would you do?? I feel like crying. Life shouldn't feel like this for a 5 year old. I feel so bad for having to force him to do HW which takes 3 hrs when it would normally take 20 mins and have to put him in time out because he refuses and just cries his wee heart out It's terrible but i dont want them to make fun of him for being "stupid" for not doing his HW and falling behind in class.

I really need some advice girls, pls pls pls. I can't see my son go on being unhappy

Sorry haven't got time to reply properly - and not sure I have the answers but do feel for you - but regarding the HW: IMO you need to stop. Do not, ever, spend 3 hours, doing it. I know that, initially, if you stop after 20 minutes, it will feel as if you are rewarding him for refusing, but you are not getting anywhere as it is and I think that you will really put him off his schoolwork. 3 hours is too long to spend even at secondary level! You say that he is doing ok academically so I wouldn't worry at this stage if the HW is not completed. In fact, I would tell him 8and inform the teacher you are doing so) that you and he will spend no more than 20 minutes and "let's try and see what we can get done.eh?" If he is good, offer him a small treat afterwards.
This advice may be too simplistic for you and I have to run now but just wanted to let you know that the thing with the HW really stood out in your post.
As for the socializing: do you ever invite is classmates to playdates/ tea-parties?

Homework at 5yrs is madness , I would stop that immediately and let your ds relax and have fun at home.
ONly 7 in the class can be awkward if he doesn't gel with anyone.
My friends son had similar trouble in a small private school and she moved him to local state with 30 in class and he is much happier.
Sorry not much help but the school should be encouraging them to play with each other at play time.

your poor ds - he sounds really miserable

Two things - as far as homework goes, if the school is daft enough to insist on it for 5 year olds, make an attempt at doing it, but don't turn it into a battle. With ds2 (who's a very reluctant homeworker) I put a timer on for 20 mins and whatever he hasn't done at the end doesn't get done. I put a note in his book saying that he wasn't able to finish it in a sensible time and that's that. Your ds won't fall behind if he doesn't do hw now - there's plenty of research to show that primary level hw is completely pointless academically and is usually only set to keep parents happy. You could also try to make it a pleasant time, get him a new pencil case, make sure he's not too tired or hungry when he starts, snack before or after and lots and lots of positive parental attention.

The other thing is I'd seriously look for another, bigger school if possible. 3 boys in the class is just too small to be able to make and keep friendships going. In the meantime you're right to ask the school to be proactive about helping him socialise - talk to the head if you don't feel you're getting anywhere with his class teacher

good luck

How miserable for you. I've had some similar issues with DS in the past and it is heartbreaking.

Is it an independent school? Sounds like they are really pushy academically, maybe at the expense of the social/emotional side of things. I would definitely consider moving schools.

Agree with the others, sounds like the social side of things in the class is not working. Is there anything nearby you could get him involved in after school? If it is something he is interested in then it will help build his confidence, perhaps football, cricket or beaver scouts. This should then have a flow-on affect at school - it has certainly helped in our family.

I'd look at your options for a bigger class and arrange a formal meeting with the school to discuss your concerns.

agree with mimsum "3 boys in the class is just too small to be able to make and keep friendships going". If he gets left out by one of the other boys, he could end up unhappy throughout his entire primary years. It is difficult to move schools, but it is probably the best thing to do, to give him the chance to form friendships.

I'd pull him out and spend some time just relaxing and having fun with him while you find a better school.

You have to ask permission to withdraw your child from school in Scotland - contact Schoolhouse for advice.

If there are lots of other home educators in your area, that could really help to bridge the gap socially.

Your child isn't thriving in the school he's in. Fine. Pull him out and either put him in a better school or educate him yourself. S
imples.

I think move him too.

I wouldn't be so keen to move him.

I do agree that hw shouldn't be a battle at this age, and no more than 20 mins should be spent and then pens down. Fun time begins.

I would be organising play dates with both girls and the boys. In my experience they all play well together until about age 8/9 until teenage years and then the fun really begins!!!!

Are there girls with brothers in older years? I would encourage playing with these as this then leads to opportunities of knowing more boys in the playground, for boy games.

Really, leave the homework alone.

Don't even spend 20 minutes on it. He's having a hard time at school and when he's at home he needs ot relax and do things he enjoys.

JoCool, so sorry to read about your DS's unhappiness at school - it is heartbreaking to have to watch them suffer. With regard to separating in the mornings, is there a "special" job he could do for the teacher? Putting out pens/chairs/anything!, just so that he's engaging in something else when you go? Perhaps she could encourage the other boys to play with your DS and make a big deal of it when they do/say how nice it was that they included him, etc... might spur them on! Agree with the others on h/w, just put the timer on for 20 mins and as previously mentioned, put a note in his folder saying that h/w was done in time given. He is not going to fall behind just by not doing h/w (at 5!). If you don't get any joy from teacher as regards the socialisation, go and see the Head and explain your concerns. Lastly, could you invite anyone back to play? I really don't think it matters if it's a boy or girl at this age, does it? Good luck.

I had similar questions here

OH went in and had to talk with the teacher but she apparently took it as an attack on her and said that our son "chooses" not to have any friends in class. FFS, no-one chooses not to have friends, especially my son who says hello to everyone when we're out and makes friends easily.

Then she said that it was MY fault and that i'm making DS unhappy and because i'm unhappy that's making him unhappy, BS!!!! I only just found out how unhappy he was and all the pieces of the puzzle of why he finds it hard to go into class started coming together.

Then she said that he just doesnt want to play with the other kids in class and would rather go sit in the corner and that was his choice. You'd think that a competent teacher would try to get the kids to gel together and not just blame the child. If i felt lonely and didn't have friends in the class i wouldn't want to play next to them either TBH.

Then she asked if he played with anyone outside of school. The kids he does play with go to another school and the only kids around here that is in his class is a girl who wont let DS play with her toys when they're outside and just wants to take my son's toys (which he will share) and then they end up fighting.

Then she said that if i really had a problem with her i should just come in and talk to her. making it out like i'm just sitting at home making things up and gossiping about her!!!

I send in OH because i can't stand talking to that woman!! I've tried and tried and she just doesn't take what i say to be a big deal. She just shrugs and says that she's tried all she can do and that it's my son's fault!!

I feel so bad for DS. He's a lovely kids, not a bad recluse like she's making him out to be.

If i felt like i had no friends and just wanted to sit by myself in the corner just to have the teacher piling the blame on saying that it's my own fault, that would be soul destroying and explains why he comes home with no self esteem or confidence and just wants to curl up on the sofa and cry when asked how his day went.

With an attitude like that i don't think there's going to be anything the headmistress can do.

Another scenario for you, if you were sent into a room with 6 other ppl, how many good friends do you think you could make? The other kids live close as well in the same neighbour hood, 2 are cousins and probably do play together outside of school.

The ppl my son would play with outside all go to the other school.

My OH said that our son fell over on the walk to school and scrapped his face and when he was leaving the class heard our DS saying to himself (with his head down on his table) "why does all the bad things happen to me, why am i always the one that gets hurt" and sounding like he was about to cry.

OH said he just wanted to take him home but the teacher just told OH to leave as she was starting class.

We've tried all the things like giving him a job when he goes into class and distractions etc.

I just really want to move him now.

My BFF said last night if it were her son she'd not take him in. I think i need to contact the education board or something if i want to do that don't i??

She works in the other school too and said that she's going to ask about getting DS into it today. She also said she's worried that he's being bullied. So we're all going to feed the ducks today and she's going to try to get him to talk about school.

Also, Thank you for the advice about the homework, you were all completely right. We nly spent 20 mins on it yesterday and then went to the park and it was the first time in a while i've seen him really enjoy himself.

I can't stop thinking about him, OH should have just walked him home today. I don't trust that teacher at all.

Hope there's a place at the other school then. Hope he enjoyed the ducks x

Me again. Have read your last post (but not all of the intermittent ones) and I think you need to do whatever you can to move your son from that school. I hope that you will be able to do that relatively easily. I am sorry that you and he are having such a hard time. Hope you all feel better soon.

You're in Scotland, right?

Get in touch with Schoolhouse They'll see you right

link

If it were me I would write a letter to the headteacher saying I wanted a meeting to discuss 2 issues, socialising and homework. Then at the meeting I would ask how the school (teacher,playground staff etc) planned to support dc in his problems with socialising at school. I would ask what the policy was for homework and discuss whether the homework set was appropriate for dc. ( it says in our primary school's handbook that reading or being read to counts as homework). If I did not get a reasonable response to this I would then consider moving dc to a different school. The school is there for your child ( and everyone else's) that is the only reason it is there and if your child needs extra help the school should be expected to provide it.

Just 3 boys in a class is a recipe for trouble - DS's year had the opposite (just 3 girls) and the HT put a lot of effort into making sure that one didn't end up being left out - re-engineering classes and seating arrangements, making sure they did sports with the year above, etc, etc - because she had thought about it. Clearly your DS's teacher, for whatever reason, doesn't think it should be a problem. All things considered, I would move him, IIWY, and assuming it is an option - but in the meantime I would want to meet with the Head.

Not sure I've got any great advice but I've got a 5 yr old DS too and really really feel for you as it is my worst nightmare that he is unhappy at school and no one to play with. He's lucky as he's at a boys school and 22 in class so easy (er) to find someone to play with. The school did have a little sign thing in the playground where the boys could go and stand if they were not playing with anyone and then other boys are encouraged to go and get that person and play with them, but one of the school's big things is 'kindness' so they are taught from the word go not to exclude anyone. Sure it doesn't always work, but it is something. Not sure it would make any difference here as only 3 of them.

I think you are right to consider moving him to a bigger school with more children and more boys (not to say he can't play with girls if there was one who would befriend him - just easier if lots of boys to run about with - they seem to be more laid back about playing with different people from day to day).

Wishing you all the best and a good resolution to all this. You are doing the right thing imo laying off homework and trying to get him happy and secure at home to give his confidence a boost - it's heartbreaking to hear them expressing self doubt and feeling like the world is against them..they are only five for goodness sake and personally I think a happy child is the priority at this stage. If your sons class teacher and head won't acknowledge or support send him to a school that will.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE consider taking him out of school and home educating him until he is ready for school. This is what I have done with my DS and it has made so much difference I cannot tell you. It isn't as hard as most people think especially at this age and who knows in a few years he may be ready for mainstream education. There are so many people who can advise and support you if you do this. Boys and girls of this age should, if they want to be, at home with their family playing with mud and leaves until they are emotionally ready for school. There is too much emphasis on getting children into school far too early and not letting them be 'organic and free range' as they should be. I was pleasantly suprised on how many people home educate in my area and I am sure you will be too.