encouraging your kids to do their best

[Cherys]

Anyone know how to do this?

Whenever I think I'm being encouraging they think I'm nagging. I teach AE and occasionally have had this problem with students. I think they're good and deserve a push - they think I'm getting at them, so obviously I'm a bit thick and insensitive in this area and would love some tips from parents who've got the knack.

My boys are both bright and I don't want to be a pushy mother or hothouse them but they don't need to make any effort at all to be in the top sets at school and I want to teach them that effort is worthwhile. But I find the balance really tricky.

Any advice welcome. Thanks

MY DS didn't have to apply himself to keep himself in the top group, so he didn't!

He's in Yr 4 now and the work needs application & effort - he's falling behind! I knew it would come home to roost - it was too easy for him in the early years!

I read the book 'Nurture-shock' a couple of weeks ago. They discussed praising EFFORT and leave off comments such as "You're so smart and clever" etc.

Basically, when a good piece of work does get turned in, say "Wow, you put a lot of effort in there and I can tell"!

The book has had mxed reviews but actually, it made loads and loads of sense to me - I'd recommend it.

Yes, we have started rewarding only for effort and not for results because of the reasons Doodlez mentions. If you google on rewarding for effort you'll see lots of articles.

Essentially rewarding for achievement seems to freeze children. Either they can become complacent or their success seems to paralyse them and make them nervous (everyone expects me to be clever--what if I can't be in this test?). Whereas rewarding them for trying hard makes them more likely to try hard next time. Which is what you want.

I think it is hard to find the balance as I have the same experience you do: DS2 (y4) feels pressurised when I encourage him. Now I tend to smothen the "I know you can do it" with a "Do the best you can" and most of all I try now to make him understand that all the hard work he puts into things is for HIMSELF, not for the teacher or myself, in a bid to get some consistency out of him (he can do a brilliant homework to please his teacher and a really bad one the following week if he has been told of for a reason or another.

With DD1 (y6) I never had that problem because she tends to be too "tough" with herself already so I really do not need to put too much effort into encouraging but more into praising her.

DS3 (y1) does not respond to anything yet (encouragement, praise, shouting or pulling my hair) so still working on my skills

100% with Doodlez and abride WRT rewarding effort.

(Hi Doodlez)

Hi Gori!

This is SO useful. Thank you!

Doodlez, thanks for giving me the tip for what to Google - I knew there'd be stuff out there, just didn't know how to access it, and will definitely get hold of that book - it makes a lot of sense.

As you say Gori - the f=difference between: I know yiou can do it, and 'do the best you can' is actually huge and has a massive difference on the child's attitude yet we could easily say either and not realise they have such different effects.

Funnily enough I was always praised for achievement not effort and it backfired as I get paralysed easily and underachieve to this day. Hmm. Interesting stuff.

Interesting thread.
I have an innate intolerance for shabby, rushed work and no effort attitude and I try to reinforce the message to my 5 yr old already.

I say things like "you can do better than this" and "you need to work hard" and my DH cringes when he hears me. But I'd rather she played and had fun than did a bit of reading or writing in a hurry whilst watching TV lol.

I have often wondered whether it's the right thing to do. I would be interested to hear from other parents who have older children to hear how it has panned out in the end )

The phrase "do your best" has never appealed on a parenting level due to my sense of perfectionism. I have never felt I have done my best in anything because I know that I could always have put more effort in, devoted more time to a task...so I used to say to my Mum, yes I've done my best but secretly I'd always feel guilty that I could have done more - you can always do better.

With my kids I tend to focus on why it is important that they work hard - it's not for me, it's for them. I highlight and celebrate the sense of achievement, when they figure something out. The focus is very much on their effort being the driving force behind their achievements and that anything is possible but everything requires practice to get there.
When they struggle with maths, spelling, writing etc - I convince them that they can do better but they are the ones that have to do it - I can support but the hard graft will come down to them and it will make a difference - in that way I hope to give them the responsibility for their learning and their achievements and I hope to avoid the constant nagging about homework - so far, so good.

With myself as a child, what worked best for me was a very subtle approach: my parents tended not to take a great deal of interest of how I performed in relationship to others, but they were always talking about things that made me want to find out more/read more/ expand my mind. Not necessarily directly related to the curriculum that I was doing at the time, but when it got to exams I found I could easily swat up, because my general knowledge and the level of my reading was so good.

Am trying a similar approach with my dcs. With dd who is in Yr 7 and has definite dreams, I have mentioned the kind of marks she should probably be aiming for to get into where she wants to go, but I tend to touch on that in passing. The main thing is getting her interested in reading and thinking. I don't check what she actually writes on the projects she is doing, but I show that I am interested in the subject and we have discussions around it.

Ds (Yr 5) has struggled at school so far, so I have tried not to stress him out, but just tactfully to make sure he engages with things and that there are enough books around on subjects that interest him. It looks like it might just be paying off, he is beginning to read for pleasure, and his teacher says he has made a lot of progress in the last year. But because he is that little bit weaker, I have tried not to stress him out about what set he should be in etc. I don't check his homework (if he gets it wrong the teacher needs to know imo) but have been taking a more active part in the last week when he has been off sick, and he too seems to respond to a more roundabout approach.

Both my dc schools give performance cards with effort and grade obtained every half term. I've always stressed I'm much more interested in seeing 1 for effort (maximum) than an A for grade. Always a bonus to get a 1 A, but I do tend to nag a bit to a 3 A. i.e. mediocre effort, but top grade, but will always sing praises to them for a 1 B.

Why give more effort if you can make the grade without it?

Is an "A" the best that can be achieved? Surely if a child can achieve the best without effort then the school are not providing a big enough challenge and it's the school which needs to be nagged, not the child.

Very good point MrsMatey, hadn't thought of it like that. Yes A is the best grade that can be given. Although the grades are based on position in year, for example top 10% of year are A 10%-20% B etc. Not sure of the exact bandings. Rather than grade expected or achieved in public examinations.

I've always seen (may not be right to do so) a low effort grade as giving a less than positive impression in class, i.e. day dreaming, chatting, therefore not giving full attention.