What am I supposed to do about School Refusal?

[EccentricaGallumbits]

I don't know what to do. Really no idea.

Thought we were heading down the H ed route at the beginning of the week. this would be virtually impossible and something I really don't want to do.

Today. DD decided to go into school (?)

School are next to useless. I have phoned, left messages, asked for someone to ring me back and they haven't.

DD said today her form teacher 'had a go at her' for missing monday and tuesday. Whether this is true i don't know. DD always thinks people are shouting at her and being nasty if they simply disagree with her or suggest she does something different. DD won't tell me exactly what was said because she doesn't want me phoning the school again. She gets really tense and stressed about me haviong anything to do with school or trying to sort it out andjust gets cross and won't talk.

So..

Who am I supposed to be talking to about this?

How do I get her into school?

Any ideas?

She is seeing th camhs people about once a month for CBT but no positive results yet. have to force her to go. she hates that too.

but i don't want to. really not cut out for it.

ps - thought you'd left? nice to see you.

Try to talk to the school if you can, have you seen the SENCO? You can arrange a 'gentle' start back to school with part sessions building up to full time, or ask the school to implement a 'time out' arrangment where your dd can have timeout from the classroom when things get too much, only to return when she is happier. This often works as it means children stay in school and have good positive sessions in class

would love alcohol but have give it up as fat.

I really do need to get someone at school to talk to me don't I.

We are in very much the same situation. School counsellor is absolutely brilliant and has taken it on herself to do all the liasing with CAHMS, education welfare etc. Big meeting coming up on Monday. Complex situation involving genuine disability, and possibly some kind of immune problem too, but certainly with a strong element of school refusal now (I get the joy of trying to decide which it is every morning).

The one light I can see is that I have the school on my side this time. Unfortunately, we have massive back history of previous school being unhelpful and genuine disability not catered for=allowed to worsen. Which means dd's trust in adults (including me) is at a very low ebb.

crap isn't it.

good luck for monday's meeting.

thanks

I was a school refuser mostly because of bullying so can sympathise with dd but now am older can also see the other side to it which is impossible to see when you're young.
No helpful advice as I never did set foot back after I was 13. I realised I could teach myself and that was the end of it for me. Nothing my parents did would do anything and CAMH's were the biggest waste of space I've ever encounted.
I know it's easier said than done but your dd needs you probably so much more than she's letting on. I found adults getting impatient with me was the worst thing although not sure what they could have done either. Therapy has to be entered into willingly or it won't work. CBT in my experience does not get to the root of the problems.

Oh no Eccentrica! CAT me if you want to offload. I was given some advice for my situation by people I work with which may be helpful (or may not!)

I agree that therapy is not going to work until she engages with it.

As a teacher, this is a problem more common than many people realise. Some children do manage to get back in, through phased reintegration; others don't. You could look at going down the medical route, and ending up with some tuition, but this is likely to be very part time.

Home Education is one possibility, but it's a big commitment and means having one parent at home in the long term - unaffordable for many. Also, depending on your child and the root of the issue, it may not be the best thing anyway.

The one thing you do need to do though, is keep that contact going with the school. It sounds as though you need to be really proactive if they aren't being forthcoming. Make sure your dd knows you are working with the school on this one.

Either school refusal is a mental illness (which is how the mainstream educational establishment sees it, and CAMHS and probably your GP etc etc)

or it is a rational response to being so desperate to avoid a horrible environment [I mean horrible to the refuser, not necessarily intrinsically horrible] that the refuser is prepared to undergo tremendous pressure, tellings off, attempted counselling, gently trying to change their mind, support of many kinds and they still refuse to attend regularly.

It could be mental illness in some and rational response to external awfulness in others, I guess.

Which do you think it is in your daughter? Which does she think? If you think mental illness, then CAMHS and co are the way to go. If not, then extract her from school, find age-appropriate childcare for the times when you have to be elsewhere, and help her get her trust and confidence back. The academic stuff can wait for a while. Next to impossible isn't actually impossible, right? Would it be better or worse than the current daily will-she-won't she?

I think ommmward makes a good point, that it could be mental problems in some cases and rational response in others. Probably also a mix of both. Or a rational response that might actually end up more damaging.
(e.g. my dd doesn't want to get up because her joints hurt and she feels stressed, which is certainly rational enough- except that staying in bed is likely to make things worse in the long run).

What I have found is that one cause doesn't have to preclude another, and that intelligent school staff (people as unlike dd's former head as possible) can actually cope with dealing with more than one concept at a time.

Do you yourself feel there may be an actual problem with bullying underlying some of this? Or do you think your dd has a general problem with people/overinterpreting criciticism? Or could it be a bit of both? If she has had her confidence dented at one time, that could be spilling over into other situations. Is there anything that the school could be doing (e.g. dd's school are investigating moving her into another class, not for bullying, just for confidence-boosting reasons).

The best thing would be if CAHMS could actually come into the school so you could all meet up together- CAHMS, you, form tutor or head, school counsellor etc.