Received a note from DD's teacher about a "racist incident" and not sure how to handle it

[SecretSlattern]

DD is 5 and Y1. According to this note, she was in the toilets at lunchtime and apparently told a little black girl that she doesn't like black girls in the toilet at the same time as her.

DD is very interested in differences between people at the moment, she regularly asks questions about colour, how people look etc and I do try to be as honest as I can with her. Her latest thing is why do some people have black faces and she has a white face? She tells me she would like to try being black to see what it is like and I have told her it is no different to being white. The point I am trying to make is that I do not genuinely believe that this incident was intentionally racist.

DD told me on Saturday that she is "being pinched and hurt by D" a black boy in her class. There was apparently an issue with this child last week where he pinched her arm, twisted it and drew blood. She is not the only one, I have heard parents in the playground moaning about him and how he has been behaving towards some of the other children (mostly girls if that makes any difference). DD has assured me that the teacher dealt with D according to their behaviour policy, ie he was put on the red triangle with a warning about his behaviour. I am satisfied that this incident has been dealt with and tbh, have a sneaky feeling that DD might have been winding him up .

I think (as this toilet thing took place on Friday) that it is possible that DD was upset by D's actions and therefore 'took it out' on this young girl in the toilet. I really don't think there was any malicious intent at all. I could be wrong and I accept that now she is at school, she is learning all sorts of things, but I would be very surprised if she did mean it.

I tried to question her about it this evening, and she burst into tears and was difficult to make sense of. I've cuddled her and reassured her and told her that I'm not telling her off, but just that it is an important thing that needs to be sorted out to make sure she has the best time at school.

I'm not sure if I've handled this correctly. I want to go into the school and assure them that she isn't a racist and neither are we but then I don't want to seem like I'm making a drama out of something they think is pretty small. OTOH, a note was sent home with the words "racsist incident" on, so maybe they do think it's a big thing.

WWYD? Thanks for reading this far.

A friend's son had to go in his school's 'racist incidents' book because he called a black child 'chocolate drop'. His mother started to explain why this is unacceptable and he said - all indignant 'well i only called him that because he called me a milky bar kid first - and he didn't have to go in the book!'.

My own son came home from nursey and announced 'Mummy I don't like the brown children'. I was mortified.

I sometimes think that these incidents are best dealt with in a very low key way, with a little chat.

i think i would write a note into the school thanking them for bringing this to your attention. That you are dissapointed that your dd has been involved in said incident and you have reinforced your own non racist values at home and will continue to support the school.

and leave it at that

I'd aim to have a chat with the teacher next time you pick up/drop off to get a better understanding of how things happened, and any relevant background. We have had to have many chats about ds's behaviour in the past few years (he has poor impulse control at times), and most KS1 teachers are very open to informal conversations, or will let you know if you need to book a time to see them, and mostly it can be done without any great fuss.

It sounds like your DD was being fairly nasty (probably in a typical little girl way), and this is the way she expressed herself, which might be about her exploring differences, or a reaction to the nasty boy, or just one of those really stupid things small children sometimes say in the heat of the moment. However if the note is correct then yes, it was racist, and she needs to know this is serious stuff.

ds came home with a note that he had spat at someone a few days ago and we made absolutely sure he knew it was totally unacceptable and if it ever happened again he would be in serious trouble. He's ten so obviously we hold him to account at that sort of level, but I do think it is important that your DD knows what she did was really very wrong.

My dd is 5 also and someone in her class told her yesterday that she didn't like her because her teeth were crooked I told my dd that it was ridiculous to not like someone because of their teeth and that she had perfectly good teeth etc.

If someone had told her that she didn't want her in the toilets because she was black, I would have been devastated. Really. Your dd did say what she said because of the little girl's race so I don't really get how it is not a racist incident.

I'm afraid that I think it's quite odd that you have related the bullying boy with what has happened with the little girl in the toilets.

I agree with those who say it is a five year old we're talking about and don't see it as a racist but an unkind comment that has been addressed. Schools are very hot on dealing with racism whether perveived or actual after so many years of not dealing with it (as many other institutions)
I also don't like the word 'bullying' that people bandy so freely around - with young children, especially if its their first time at school, physicality can be the only way they have of showing emotion and they need to learn how to deal responsibly and express themselves in a better way. Bullying is overused as a word to describe any kind of negative behaviour and is now devalued when it really describes repetitive verbal or physical abuse by someone/people in power over those who are not.

agree with custy: write a note, explain it's been dealt with, thank them

and with nooka- make it very clear to your dd that she must never do this again

I have a dd who is disabled, and I do think it is very important to clamp down on any disparagements on race or disability early on: not because a 5yo can fully understand the implications of what she is saying, but because of the damage it can do to the person on the receiving end. And if one child gets away with it, that can mean that the same black or disabled child, gets to hear that every day of her life. It can wear you down.

It's like any other damaging behaviour: waving scissors about, or having stone throwing competitions- doesn't mean they are as horrible as adults throwing stones, but it still has to be stopped.