Should schools get involved in social issues?

[GooseyLoosey]

I have ongoing issues with ds(6). He clearly rubs other children up the wrong way. Several parents have complained about him, including those of his only real friend.

I am aware that he does not really "get" the finer points of social interaction. For example, he will want to join in a game, we have taught him to ask, which he does, so far so good, but he then does not understand how to itegrate himself into the ongoing play. He will either just stand there or will shout at the other participants in the manner that he hears loud out-going children do, but of course it does not work for him and only annoys the other children.

It has got to the point where he says that if he sits down at lunch, other children get up and no one will play with him.

I realise that this is his problem and that we need to solve it but we have tried endlessly at home (with some suggestions from you lovely lot) to no great avail. School do not really recognise a problem and I don't know to what extent it is there problem or what I can expect them to do about it. I just know that things cannot go on the way they are - anyone got any ideas?

Goosey - do you have Beaver cubs near you? (They go 6-8) This can be a very good, semi-structured way of social interaction outside the school environment, and much less judgemental. If the kids fall out one week, they have forgotten about it by the next, so do not carry 'baggage from day to day.

It might be worth talking to the school - not because you expect them to sort out your son's problem exactly, but more because they may have experience you don't and be able to suggest things to you. Maybe if you approach it that way you might get some help?

In DDs school, the yr 5 and 6 act as 'monitors' on a rota and keep an eye on the younger kids - I would think that if they had a problem like this raised with them they'd do something like assigning a nice older child as a big buddy to try to smooth interactions a bit.

Thanks Grimma and MrsGhoul.

We do have Beavers but I can't send him as the "best friend" who complained about him is there and it would just not be a good idea to put them together more. I do send him to other outside of school groups with his peers. They are of limited success. Ds participates with enthusiasm for a while and then just wanders off to the edge and seems increasingly isolated.

I have pointed it out to the school and they smile at me but nothing changes and something really has to. Children are getting up when he sits down next to them!

As I said I have posted about this before but my desperation grows!

Thanks Riven - do you have any idea at all what they try to do?

Clearly this is not a matter of telling the other children to be nice to ds it about helping ds to recognise the behaviours he has that are off putting to other children and helping him change them. Very easy to write - no so easy to put into practice.

schools have a responsibility to educate the whole child and it is part of their remit to deal with all learning needs.

I would have thought that they would/should do something . Is there any way you could speak to his teacher and the senco. Has he ever been assessed ?

Yes, schools should be getting involved, esp when the issue takes part at school.

I know the school I work at does get involved, as does DD's school, if need be. Normally their is a discussion ebtween parent and teacher to discuss ways forward for all involved.

I agree with all, it's surely detrimental to his development, so definitely something the school should be helping him with. Children getting up when he sits next to them isn't bullying, but in some ways it's not far off. I'd insist on a meeting with his teacher and tell her how upsetting he's finding it. They can't just ignore you if you insist it's a problem. Insist they tell you exactly how they propose to help him. It's not good enough for them to just to leave him to sort this on his own imo.

Yes, the school should be involved. They should be teaching manners and how to get along with one another.

Is he summer born? I think the youngest kids in the year really struggle with this issue.

yes, school should be aware and involved. part of your parent's evening should be to discuss how he is getting on generally at school, not just whether he is keeping up academically.

that said, if school thought there was a huge problem, they would probably have raqised it by now, but it would still be worth asking to meet up with his teacher to discuss.

some children are given social targets as part of an individual education plan if necessary. it doesn't sound as though this is needed yet, but the staff do need to be giving him some help. often the staff on lunch/ playground duty can act as facilitators etc.

Thanks all - had to go do some work!

I have spoken to his teachers (several times - last year and this and in reception). They have also had other parents complain about my son but not once have they ever actually done anything. Hence I am now looking for something specific to ask them to do.

He has never been assessed by the SENCO, although oddly I have recently suggested this as he has poor fine motor control and the speech therapist he sees (as the poor motor control extend to his tongue!) suggested this.

He is bright and can do all of the accademic tasks asked of him so I think the school see no need to intervene. They always tell me that they have never noticed anything. They must have their eyes shut as 5 minutes watching in the playground makes the problems obvious. I deal with what I see but it is very hard to deal with what happens when I am not there.

I really think this is something the school should help yhour DS address. His social development is key. we had sim. problems with our DS and found some teachers disinterested and other teachers - actually often those with sim. age kids, really understanding and helpful and fullof ideas. DS had a teacher who really took it on board and helped DS improve his interactions in groups in the playground. It made all the difference. We worked q. hard at home to teach DS specific things that he didn't intuitively 'get' like other children. He was able to learn and develop and now he does fine in social situations most of the time. DS had poor motor skills and was about a year behind in all developmental areas until about the end of yr 2 when he seemed to catch up and be on a par with his peers. We were offered a diagnosis of mild end AS for him which we turned down and I a v. glad we did now. It was the right decision for him and us.

That's interesting mackerel. It would not surprise me if ds had a mild form of AS but I too would not want the diagnosis.

What did you do at home with your son? We tell ds that he has to listen to what other children want to do and if he joins their games he must follow their rules. We stress the importance of eye contact when talking and that he must not just wander off when he is bored - he should try and finish the game.

Hi goosey. I'm not sure if I can be precise. DS did some slightly odd stuff, like ball his hands into fists and tap children lightly on both cheeks with them when he was getting to know them . We taught him he couldn't do that. DS also found it diff. if a friend said hello on the street. He just ignored them. so we practised saying hello and looking them imn the eye - a kind of role play. We've used that approach with q. a lot of stuff. It helps that DH is a child mental health professional and has lots of ideas and experience from work and colleagues advice etc.. I think we challenged our DS. i didn't want limitations set on what he was able to achieve which is partly why we refused the labewl - that and the fact he was so young and so much changes in those early years. We were concerned that, for example, school might have said, well, your DS has AS therefore we can't expect him to socialise appropriately / normally and therefore not bother to get involved. Instead we challenged him and helped him do it.